Struggling to deal with the loneliness

[lonelyheart101]

I'm very new to this, so here's some background. I'm in my mid-30s, smart, career-driven/successful, fit/active, likable and down-to-earth. I recently moved interstate for work so it’s just me here with no friends or family. I am experiencing a crushing loneliness from not being able to find a relationship.

I have been on countless dates over the past few years and have failed on every occasion in getting the girl to agree to a second encounter. I don't know what is wrong with me. Our evenings are always good (no issues with confidence). We share laughs, engage in two-way conversations, and even flirt a little. In fact we often end up agreeing to a second date. However the next day is when I receive the rejection msg/call (I had a great time, but I don't think this will work out...etc). I have read countless tutorials on dating and followed the usual advice. But after the latest failure I am really struggling to deal with the rejection.

While I'm not an adonis, I like to think I'm good looking. I would even settle for a friend, just someone I could do simple things with. I feel like the world is passing me by and losing hope of ever finding happiness. I can barely look up anymore when I walk, seeing a couple walk by is a constant reminder of my loneliness.

People often complain about the devastation of relationship heartbreaks. But I believe never being in a relationship is a more painful feeling of death by a 1000 cuts. I am not a big believer in fate though I do believe love finds people, not the other way around. Maybe god never intended for me to be with someone. If that is the case, how can I make the hurt go away and accept my fate? I guess wanted to believe that it is possible for someone out there to love me, and that I wasn’t meant to live a life in isolation.

Thanks for hearing my rant. I have no one else to talk to.

[Quiettall]

Hello Boo

I wanted to encourage you. I have struggled with loneliness like you when moving from one job to another, either interstate or overseas. When I felt the way you do now, I took myself off to meet other people through various social gatherings that I might be vaguely interested in, such as craft, hobby, social or interest groups. By focussing on building some casual friendships first, it gave me more confidence and poise to then be free and open and relaxed to engage in a a more deeper relationship.

There are plenty of people who will support you here, and can attest that having a "love-partner" is not the only antidote for loneliness. May who are either married or partnered are just as lonely, and that is often because they dont have a broader range of friends and interests to fill their lives....focussing too much on the relationship with the significant other. I know...I have been there and sometimes fall back into that trap even now.

Anyway, chin up and hope my comments are of help

[Boo1986]

Thank-you Quiettall,

Your comments certainly have helped. As has everyone within these forums actually. I am really glad I did this.

I have always been a little too focused on a love-partner due to my religious upbringing, basically I was always taught that marriage is the ultimate goal, and I feel like a failure for not having achieved this. Although I stopped going to church at 18, and formally resigned my church membership last year, I just haven't been able to shake this feeling that I am 'incomplete' without a man. I really want to be a strong, happy, independent woman... but I always seem to seek out relationships to define myself, and my self-worth.

[Meridian]

Hi Lonelyheart101

I have been on that dating scene and I think I might have some things that may help - from the other side of the dating table. 🙂

You know you're successful at work. You know your dedicated to going to the gym. You know you have so much going for you. Sit back, ask about them and their lives and allow them to slowly discover all the fabulous things about you, on their own. Might take a second date or more to get that info out of you because you're humble, unassuming, and awesome!

Successful at work enough for a transfer: woo hoo BUT making sure the date knows this would be a big turnoff.

Gym: everyone wants someone who takes care of themselves. Discipline is thought highly of but inflexibility and not prioritising a partner when in need, over sticking to your strict gym routine is a big tick in the no box. I have experienced this and those who portray themselves as incredibly devoted to their routines, food and schedules will always be interpreted on a FIRST date as: 'you will always be second to my needs'.

I would play down the lack of relationship experience. When someone is worthy of you they tend not to be interested in what went before. They like who you are NOW. If questions arise on future dates always be honest. Doesn't mean you have to give explicit explanations. Short and sweet only and by then it won't matter!

'I moved interstate for work' is enough to get a conversation going.'oh really, what do you do for work?'

'I go to the gym as often as I can. Its a great way of managing stress and is something I believe I will always do.'

'That sounds fantastic, I like going to the gym too it really relaxes me after a tough day at work. Where do you train?'

For me the key to an appealing date was: intelligent, humble about achievements, subtle about wants and chilled personality. Is acting as themselves (not who they think you want them to be)

Also honesty and amazing manners and someone you know would be there for you even if you were a stranger on the street in need. Im sure thats you.

Oh and when asked what you're looking for in a partner? Be honest of course. I always admired answers that were non restrictive such as 'someone who is happy with who I am and who I adore' or 'someone who I can share my life with'. and leave it at that. When I have been given those sort of answers theres always a kind of smiley quiet moment where both parties imagine that kind of happiness. Nice scene to set :

good luck xx

[lonelyheart101]

I have been on more dates since my last post (as per advice on not giving up). But unsurprisingly they have
again all failed to lead to a second date. The last date I went on we had a great time and Meridian, to touch on what you said, I definitely do not overplay things like my job, gym, health etc. I always show interest in
the other person, we enjoy some banter and the evenings last for hours. So the last rejection stung me the worst after in her own words I was kind, honest, intelligent, and attractive. This after she went on 3-4 times with a previous guy who she complained was too critical of her and made her pay for one dinner! I’ll never degrade myself by being mean to a girl. I’m sure I speak for many people here, but being rejected after being told you have so many good qualities really is devastating and hurtful.
I often receive the 'I just didn't feel the chemistry' reply. I get that the failed chemistry dynamic is not uncommon on first dates (and some dates I haven’t felt the chemistry). But my sample size of failed dates is now too big for me to ignore that I simply don’t have any spark with most girls I like. The easy option is to give up but I may as well keep banging my head on the wall. On the plus side I get a break from my loneliness by having the company of an attractive woman for a few hours at least.
The other suggestion is that I expand my social circle and take up an activity. Those things are great and I do make an effort to every while to get away up the coast or country (love exploring, hiking and nature). At the end of the day those things will not stop me from wanting something deep and meaningful. Even cracking a smile is becoming so difficult in the days after I get sucker punched by the rejection message (let alone working up the energy to be social in an activity.

Thanks everyone for their support, I know you all mean well.

[rufio]

i get that feeling too. im 31 and have only had a couple relationships and they have never lasted longer then a couple months. ive been trying online dating for a while and havent found much. i have friends but i still feel lonely often. i have considered just stopping and working on being alone but i dont like just giving up and i know like everything somethings just take more time and everyone is different.

ive double downed with apps, ive been joining more groups, im looking for a job and also want to find some volunteer work to do.

so i guess what i am saying is i hope we both keep trying and find what we want and in the meantime be happy with ourselves ^_^

[Lonely22]

Lonelyheart101,

that sounds like a really difficult situation to be in. As you can tell by my username I'm in a somewhat similar situation, although I don't have the dating experience you've had, I am so fearful of rejection that I talk myself out of asking girls out, or just force myself to view women in the most innocent way so as not to become infatuated by her.

You go on dates frequently, that to me is an indication that women are at least attracted to you and willing to know more about you. You come across as very knowledgeable In relationships, you know the type of woman you wish to be with, there's no reason to settle for anyone other than that ideal match. No company is better than bad company, especially for eternity, so stay strong and hopeful.

You're confident, don't let rejection take this from your personality. From the advice I receive on this forum, confidence is so important, I hope you remain this way.

You are religious, I take from your posit that God may intend for you to be alone. I used to think this way, then I looked back at all of the opportunities I've had to make relationships, the girls that have come into my life without my own 'putting myself out there' that I've become infatuated by. God did this, knows my unconfidence, anxiety issues, and placed these women in my life, albeit for brief periods, and my not pursuing these interests, taking a chance, that's on me, and I deserve where I am, God did all that he could,without creating these relationships entirely, thereby not giving me a chance to at least help myself, be confident, break out of my shell and work for the relationship. Think about your life, the women you have come into contact with, have you done all that you possibly could. I know I haven't, but I know what I need to do in the future to change this.

Have a merry Christmas, use this time to appreciate other areas of your life that may be overlooked. 🎄

[lonelyheart101]

Lonely22

I understand the phase you’re going through, having myself experienced it. Being self-aware is so important and you’ve identified what you need to change to improve your outlook. Forming a relationship is a multi-layered process, each with its own sets of challenges. The ‘first date’ phase has given me a different kind of grief.

In regards to doing all I could, the hurt comes from not understanding what my fault is. If chemistry or spark is some abstract notion, and I’m lacking it, how do I even fix it? I was always under the notion that being a nice person with a sense of humour was the right attitude to take into a date. I look around and see how comfortable girls are making physical contact with their boyfriends. Spark is something I’ve tried to initiate but with no reciprocation (obviously without trying to be creepy doing it). I agree that no one should settle for anything less than their ideal partner. But how do I know what an ideal partner is if I can’t manage more than one date with them?

I think god challenges all of us in different ways. But also guides us in identifying how to overcome those challenges. I’m missing that guidance right now, to the point where I’m questioning my own self-worth. Maybe the girls are seeing a problem in me that I’m oblivious to. I guess my issues run deeper than I thought. I feel worn down my rejections (I can see the pain around my eyes when I look in the mirror). It is getting harder to stay confident during my day-to-day life.

I am spending Christmas with my family. Hopefully I can find some comfort with them and remember what it’s like to feel loved, even if only for a few days before returning interstate. Going through this experience I wish it upon no one.

I hope you find the courage to approach a girl and make something of your opportunity. Girls give out cues when they're interested. Smile and when you see her smile back for example, approach her with a friendly icebreaker followed by an introduction. Once you start talking it becomes so much easier.

Merry xmas to you too.