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Community Member

Was not entirely sure where to post this so seeing it involves family decided this place.

My wife and I have been married 31 years, our relationship is good, some rocky patches recently though due to me essentially shutting down. have not been to doctor or anything as it began as me feeling blue a bit and has progressed to me feeling constantly like I have failed myself, my wife and my kids.

Back in 2000 my wife and I sold our first home, the plan was to move to the in laws 5 acre block and use the funds we had plus a loan to build a 2nd house. However we could not get a loan to do so as the in laws did not want to risk being the security, instead they suggested that they build a new house and that we contribute our finance from the first house we had, so we agreed to a purchase arrangement for the existing house and contributed our funds. A contract was written up and signed but kept in the Father in laws possession.

Fast forward 12 years, normal issues now and again but in general all had been going well, we where within 6 months of finalising our obligation and would then be asking to have dual title on the property. Then out of nowhere the MIL (mother in law) had a melt down at my wife, her daughter. Without going into detail it was horrendous, essentially blamed her for everything that was wrong in her own life. So the situation of staying became untenable. We knew that she hated us living in "her" house and in good conscience could not stay so we advised that we would step away so that they could decide what they wanted to do. Also advised that we would sort out our share at a better time.

So within 3 months we turned our lives upside down and moved, I gave it as long as i could and nothing was reconciled before that. We did have a meeting with them to discuss what had been said and the FIL had no idea of half of the things that the MIL had said, she constantly said "Oh he doesn't know about that".

Fast forward 4 years. The PIL (parents in law) sold the property without any discussion with us, I had considered putting a caveat on the property to protect our interest but because I did not have a copy of our agreement I had no grounds according to the law.

Fast forward 2 years and the PIL deny that we ever had an agreement.

I am at my wits end with this, I feel wrung out, conned, stupid, depressed and a failure, and I am trying to hide all of this from my wife.

2 Replies 2

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi H2oMAN,

Welcome to Beyondblue forums, you are always welcome to speak your mind here without judgement from us, and we will do all we can (we are not professionals though so keep that in mind) to offer advice, and at very least some emotional support to help you clear your mind and breathe a little.

I cant say much in this matter, it does seem that you have been "taken for a ride" and by family members that has to be hard. I think you should open up to your wife, as she may be feeling the same as you and if you can both understand how each other are feeling, you can have support there for each other (as I believe a relationship should be) to help get you through. I would also suggest seeking some professional help, say a doctor for example, not to "fix" the issue, but as someone that can give you professional advice on how to deal with the stress and depression that you may be feeling right now, also to take your wife along as well (hence why I suggest to open to your wife first), as this can help her to deal with this issue as well.

With your wife also informed of the issue, legal help and advice would be beneficial as well, as she can back your claims up as she was obviously aware of the agreements as well, and can confirm the issues regarding the PILs.

Dont feel you are letting your family down by opening up to your wife this way, you would expect her to do the same to you if she needed it, well, she is also there for you in the same way so dont be too proud or prideful (or fearful even) of leaning on her for support as well, they may be her family thats the issue, but you are also her family and one she was able to choose, and she still had chosen you, so that bond is worth relying on.

You dont have to follow my advice if you dont want to, but I just wanted to air my opinion in hopes that it can help you, feel free to keep talking on here about anything you want to, even if just to chat.


Community Member

Thanks Terry appreciate the comments.

Specifically and to clear thing up a bit I have discussed my concerns with my wife and we are united on our and in our thoughts on this.

I have not however conveyed to her the full extent of the emotional impact it has and is having on me. This is essentially due to a couple of factors.

1. The emotional impact it had and is having on her let alone how she would suffer further if she knew how it was impacting me.

2. She has a serious health issue(s) stemming from auto immune system problems, crones disease is one aspect along with lupus. She is under instructions from her doctor to not put herself in any stressful situations, unfortunately someone forgot to tell life to comply with that.

So I am loathed to unload any of my messed up emotions and head space on her, she has enough to deal with daily and children without worrying about me.

Problem is I have been able to wing my way through, I've been running my own business and winging and faking my way forward but not anymore. My wheels are broken, I can not think straight, I can't hold a train of thought long enough to execute actions. I have a backlog of work sitting in front of me that I know I can do but can not get it done. I look at the orders and invoicing that needs processing and all the number are a jumble?? What's with that?? I'm 3 years behind on my TAX and the ATO is being good but I'm stuck with information that I can't find for my accountant to get the tax caught up, and when I do I know I need to find the money to pay the bills which I don't have.

Normally I'm fairly stoic and can forge my way ahead, but at the moment I'm suffocating. I know intuitively that it's something that will pass but can not see a way forward.

I also know in perspective that what I am going through is nothing compared to others, yet it feels like the world is caving in around me?

Not really expecting any solutions to all of this from a forum but it certainly helps to vent a little and get some perspective from others.

Thanks again, all good for now.