Still in love with my ex who suffers from depression

[bubbles85]

My (f35) boyfriend (m29) ended our 8 month relationship about 2 months ago due to his depression. He was in a dark place and said he needed to work through it on his own. He had told me during the relationship about the fact he suffered from depression, but felt he wasn't strong enough to tell me his whole history with it. I never pushed and let him reveal things slowly as he felt comfortable.

Everything in the relationship seemed to fall apart in only a 2 week span from the time I could see he was struggling to when he ended things.

Over the last couple of months we still have been speaking sporadically and we work for the same company so I do still see him daily even if we do not speak.

I've been really struggling with the break up as I am still in love with him. The time and space has done nothing to dull these feelings. We fell hard and fast into the relationship, it was my first major relationship and his first since the first time he was in a serious depressive state.

I know he is in treatment and seems to have his good days and bad from what I can see when I see him around work.

I really want to tell him about how I feel but I am terrified of being rejected again. I feel like I am currently in limbo because I don't want to be putting any pressure on him while he is still unwell, but my feelings for him are still so strong. I'm looking for advise on how to navigate this.

[bubbles85]

So I'm still struggling with how I feel about my ex. We have limited contact, but everytime I think I'm starting to feel somewhat normal, we have a slight, meaningless interaction at work and all my feelings come flooding back. I've heard through third parties he is still really struggling with his mental health so I know I can't speak to him and need to move on from our relationship but it's just so hard when I still have to see him. We have been split up almost as long as we were together, but my feelings haven't dissipated.

Any tips? I've tried to keep my distance but it's hard with the configuration of the office. I still physically see him even if we don't interact. And I know he notices me too. Leaving my job really is the last option as I really enjoy what I do and there is limited places to move to that would allow me to do the same type of role

[Tay100]

Hi bubbles85

It can be really hard when a fair chunk of time has passed, and your feelings haven't dissolved as much as you'd like. Being together at work doesn't help with moving on either, as you say. Even though you have been broken up for a while, try to not put to much pressure on yourself to feel 'a certain way' by now. Healing, authentic healing, often happens in its own time, especially with things like this, and we are in circumstances where we have to see them. Try affirmations of self-compassion when you have an interaction with him, and repeat these phrases and those feelings resurface. Acknowledge what you feel and don't try and suppress it. Distract yourself with enjoyable elements of your work, so you associate work with positive distraction, and not with being around him.

Let us know how that goes,

Tay100

[bubbles85]

It has been 8 months since we split and I'm still struggling with my feelings. And I don't want to feel this way anymore, I want to move on but still everytime we interact the feelings are still there. We had started messaging but can barely make eye contact when we actually see each other. I can't talk to him as I can't handle the rejection again. I need to move on but it's hard

[Guest_3256]

Hi bubbles85.

I can resinate with you on this as I was recently in your position, actually more so an ongoing 2 year push/pull or otherwise known as the carrot chasing the stick. I am not sure exactly the full brunt of your situation, however, if you have already tried to communicate your support/desires/needs and he still is not doing anything about his [depression], then I would best understand that this is more about him then it is about you.

I want to let you know that this is a common situation in unhealthy people. I do not believe in unhealthy relationships. It's an unhealthy person that unbalances the dynamics of a relationship. Let's peal back the complex stuff.

When there is what I like to call an unbalanced relationship (use an analogy if you'd like), it is mostly caused by one person who is having difficulties with accepting themselves as a person or in simple terms, do not value themselves.

Now, the golden rule is, if one does not value themselves, then they do not value others, if because of this, they cannot commit to themselves so therefore they cannot commit to others. They both tie in with each other.

I want you to know that you have the courage to make the best and most appropriate and healthiest decision for yourself and only you can do that. If you cut this person off, don't beat yourself over it because you have shown that you are a compassionate and beautiful person and for also reaching out for advise. That is something that a healthy person values - support from others.

Keep your chin up and smile.

[bubbles85]

Thanks for your reply. I'm trying to have the courage to choose me, but every time I do something I worry about his reaction. Even when I know what I'm doing is what is healthy for me.

This is my first breakup where i was genuinely in love with the guy and in love when it ended. I just thought by now I'd be doing better than i am

[Guest_3256]

Hey bubbles85.

I believe that you are worried about his reaction because you love him which is totally normal and healthy and because you might be walking on egg shells. I personally wouldn't sweat on it to much.

As long as you have provided that level of support, then let them reach out to you. I personally want a partner who can look after themselves and to know that they were able to make work on their issues.

Wait for them to reach out, water on a ducks back, do you and when you are not thinking of them, they will reach out - what I call having faith.