Still holding on

[Licing]

Been with the guy for almost 10yrs. Not once he ever compliment me nor express his feelings towards me. Realised from the beginning that this is a one sided relationship. Ive felt unloved before him and now I feel very ugly and unworthy. I love him so much and even known him always cheating for the 10yrs, I still don't want to leave. Do I have a sickness? I know he doesn't love me and I know he doesn't want me. He tells other women he misses them and wants them. But not once he ever tells me this. He now has a new woman, he tells her that he loves her. But he denies something going on. And he talks to her everyday where he only talks to me when necessary. And I still want him to be with me. I know that I will never move on until he leaves me. And I know that when he does leave me for this woman, I will be in my deepest hell. How can I be in this one sided relationship for 10yrs and love this man who doesn't love me, even treat my love for him as garbage. What is wrong with me???

[blondguy]

Hi Licing

Welcome to the BB Forums

Last year I went through exactly what you are going through and the pain is dreadful. I remember it well. I am sorry for the pain you are going through now as it is very real.

I dont think there is anything wrong with you at all. You are in love with him. You are not unworthy or ugly in any way Licing. You mentioned that your partner has been cheating on and off. This is what really hurts. I do not want to be judgmental or patronizing but he does not deserve your kind and wonderful heart you have.

Just a thought for you Licing....Even with his new woman....If he has cheated on you he will cheat on his new partner as well...As you said...."when he does leave you for this woman, you will be in your deepest hell" You will actually be free of a guy that really doesnt give you the respect you deserve. Let him go Licing...he will continue to hurt you even if you are together.

Please be 'Kind' to Yourself and give your heart to a guy that deserves you. He doesn't.

I am sorry Licing...Just my opinion and I dont mean to judge....

We are here for you

Paul

[geoff]

dear Licing, I don't want to put you off reading my comment but I have to agree with Paul.
What you are looking for is compassionate person who idilises you, tells you that you are gorgeous and loves you so much, because for 10 years this guy has been playing on behind your back, having an affair after another and just using you as a door stop.
I have a feeling that you don't want to live by yourself and that's why you won't kick him out, OK point taken, but you can also go out and if you meet someone who is going to love you, tell you that you are his dreams and been looking for someone like you all his life, then bingo, you have a true soul mate.
Please don't be a person who is not loved, nor treated like a princess, you have to much in you that needs to be loved, and not someone who is never told that he loves you, but will tell other girls he loves them and I wonder why he does this.
It's time for revenge, go and enjoy your life, be treated like a queen and enjoy the company of each other, go on drives, movies, picnics, walk in the botanical gardens and go sight seeing. Geoff. x

[pipsy]

Dear Licing.  After reading your post and Geoff and Pauls answer, I can only conclude how desperately unhappy you must be.  You are such a loving, caring person.  Why are you with someone so unworthy of such a beautiful person.  He is heartless, cruel, selfish, you can do 100% better than he deserves.  You are selling yourself short with this person.  You asked if you are sick, no, you're just desperately lonely and so sad.  He's actually not capable of loving anyone, himself included.  If he was, he would see you for the beautiful, sweet person you are.  Self centred people like him need to be in the centre, that's why they're known as self-centred.  He's egotistical, with no conscience. 

Look after yourself, darling.  Find someone worthy of you.  I'd love to have you for a close friend, if it was possible.

[White_Rose]

Dear Licing

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good you have taken this first step towards regaining your happiness.

Ten years is a long time to spend on someone who does not deserve you. A person who clearly is interested only in himself. I spent 30 years with an abusive man. What would have happened if I had left 29 years ago? I have no idea but I feel I would not be as hurt as I have been and would have retained my self confidence. Well I eventually left and I sometimes wonder if my children would have upset if I had left, taking them with me, many years earlier.

No point in speculating but I do not want you to take this amount of time to leave. Rather than wait for him to leave, why not go yourself, or throw him out? I expect it depends on the ownership of your home etc. Go and see a lawyer first. Contact the Women's Legal Service in your state. I believe their advice is free and that way you can make arrangements knowing he cannot con you into believing he has more rights than is correct.

Yes it will hurt, but will it be more than the pain you are experiencing now? Probably not, because you will not have to put up with his coldness and infidelity. You will be free to build your own life again and shine.

If you are really nervous about taking this step, go and chat with your GP and see if he/she can find a counsellor for you to talk to before actually leaving. It may be very helpful to sort out the confusion in your own mind and accept that it will be painful to leave but you will survive and find yourself again.

You are worthwhile and no one deserves a conniving, manipulative, self-centred partner. So lets be sexist and say Women Can Do Anything.

Please continue to write in and tell us how you are going.

Mary

[Licing]

Thank you all for your helps. I know that this is no good and I know that I should walk away but I don't want to. I know that he doesn't care if I stay or leave. I know that I'm just a doormat to him. But I still want him. I still love him so much. From the way I look at it, every guy that I been with either cheat on me or leave me for somebody else. I feel that despite everything, hes the best thing that ever happen to me. He doesn't smother me with all the beautiful lies and promises where everybody else just sweet talk nothing to me. At first I was so happy he never sweet talk to me because I thought he wasn't the kind who can say what he doesn't mean. And I was right, it's not that he's not capable of loving somebody. He can love this woman because she's the only one he ever say it to. I thank you all for saying I have such a good caring heart. I feel that I'm this horrible person who is so selfish for wanting what I can never have. I know I should let him go so he can be happy with that woman. But I still want him. I know I have nothing to be proud of. I know I shouldn't be complaining knowing that I made my choice. I'm sorry to be so silly like this. I've made my bed, I should lie in it. Thank you once again. I can't talk to my family and friends because I don't want them to be disgusted with me. I am so scared that my family would look down on me.

[White_Rose]

My Dear Licing

I am so sorry that you feel so unworthy of love. It is hard to leave the person you love, and in some ways, it's harder when they do not love you. You become accustomed to getting the crumbs. No one here is disgusted with you or believes that you are selfish. You want and need what we all need, someone to love and who loves us. This is natural, not horrible.

What is sad and horrible is that you know he will leave you. I mentioned above that having a chat with your GP would be helpful. Talking with your doctor is the same, in a way, as talking here. We cannot tell anyone about you because we do not know you. Your doctor cannot talk about you because he/she has a duty to be confidential. So would you please go and talk to someone? A person who is next to you while you speak, who will not judge you or tell you what to do.

I really believe it would help to have someone to talk to regularly so if you went to chat to a psychologist you can perhaps understand why you stay with this man. If separation is inevitable, then please take steps to make yourself stronger and able to cope when it happens.

Please keep writing in here if it helps. Mary

[pipsy]

Dear Licing.  You say this man is not lying to you, sweetie, I hate to say this, but he is lying to all of you.  He's seeing another woman, does she know he lives with you, what's he telling her about his living arrangements?  What if he decides to bring her home, how does he get around you then?  You're not the selfish one here, he is.  As Mary suggested, please talk to your Dr, try and arrange to talk to a counsellor.  You are selling yourself so short being this guys doormat.  Why do you love him so much?  You have so much to give to the right person, he doesn't deserve a second thought.  I know living alone is scary, but being in the situation you're in is worse than being alone.  You don't have to tell your family anything you don't want to.   If you decide to 'pull the pin', tell your family he left you, if it makes it easier.  This guy doesn't love anyone but himself, please, please take care of yourself. 

We're here for you too.