Step parent stress

Flower

Hello,

I'm just really having a hard day today and needed to find a space to let it out.

I am super stressed over my partners kids. I have none of my own, only one previous partner had a child and it didn't get serious enough to meet said child.

Partner and I have been together over a year, now live together - happened organically - we love it. Met his kids from day one.

Teen son goes up an down - normal teen stuff. I can handle it.

Teen daughter on the other hand is very difficult. I very much want to have a good relationship with her ( and boy but you know - girl stuff).

I understand she has stuff going on. Typical teen girl stuff, previous life stuff, non healthy relationship with biological mother but the way she can absolutely rage on me is heart breaking. She can make me feel as small as an ant. I want nothing but the best for both of them. I try to find them alternatives to school cos they don't like it, i try to help them set up for a decent future, she shrugs it off saying she will just go with the flow.

Her dad has said she always tries to run off partners of his. I get it. She doesnt want to be "replaced" and im not here to do that.im not trying to replace her mother or her relationship with her dad. I have told her that, tried to show her that.

Sometimes she is sweet as pie and sometimes she is yelling and throwing things. She says some absolutely vile hurtful things.

Partner has spoken to her to explain that I am not here to replace anyone I just want to help everyone be their best like a family should.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I just had a moment today where I told her her she needs to stop face timing a friend while she was doing her online schooling and she went off. I can't even fake neutrality anymore and said I was sick of her shit and she said that I'm the one with shit because I make everything difficult and about me...I don't know how. Maybe because Im bringing up stuff with her dad and he tells her off when usually he wouldn't say as much cos he too is tired of her shit.

What am I doing wrong? Do I distance myself? I cant keep trying with her much longer and getting shut down because it hurts my heart.

I honestly want nothing but the best for these kids, I love them. I just dont know what to do. Maybe just let it all go and if she ends up a deadbeat then thats the road she wanted. My partner and I are both exhausted with her.

white knight

Hi, welcome

I know exactly how you feel. I'll address that soon.

Briefly- 1/ 7 year relationship had a step son. I was in my 20's (now 68yo). 2nd relationship a 11 year marriage, we had 2 kids of our own, we split when girls were 7 and 4yo. 3rd 10 years I had visitations and the last 5 years we had one of my then teenage girls living with us- she was the step mum from hell, she had 2 kids 14 and 17yo when we met. . 4th relationship and 2nd marriage my daughters grown, my wife is "mum" to the eldest. We dont see my youngest one at all.

So, 3rd one had a son 14 and daughter 18 (that was having a child then) and the 14yo didnt talk to me for 3 months. Then I bought the step daughter a mobile cot so treating equal I gave the step son a multi swiss item. He accepted it then threw it in his bedroom. But 2 hours later he retrieved it and played with it for hours. I knew then I had his heart. At 16yo I taught him to drive and we bought him a old panel van for him and I to restore.

So- to your situation. All you said was fine but most, to a teenage girl, wont mean much. She is unlikely mature enough to comprehend the importance and dedication from you or partner to pledge "not trying to replace" and so on. Like that swiss army item there has to be a connection and until that connection is established, you wont be able to correct her social media habits or anything else. She will rebel even when it isnt justified. She is ready to pounce.

The connection? That's a tough one without knowing you both but watching a Facebook video of funny scenes, cooking together? Makeup experimenting? Actually my then step son, once he began to talk to me I bought a donut machine and asked him if he wanted to cook some. 2 hours later his mother arrived and saw flour all over us. 3 days later he asked if he could cook more and teach him the process. Correcting your step daughter in any way is not possible, in fact in 12 months time you want her to tell friends that "my step mum is great, I really like her" and it is certainly possible even though you might not feel it possible now. Furthermore a teen grows quickly, the one you interact with now will be a different girl in 2 years time.

Funny how teens friends mean everything to them. We also forget how easily they can multi task. I'd leave the raising to her dad and try to be her friend. It's the only way unfortunately.

"I try to find them alternatives to school cos they don't like it, I try to help them set up for a decent future, she shrugs it off saying she will just go with the flow." This highlights my point. I know how you feel, you're trying to be a guide, a positive influence but sadly this is parenting so she doesnt want that. I hope that doesnt hurt you at all, I fell into the same trap and often the blood parent will overlook those things which all results in a atmosphere of becoming an outsider and there is only one answer to that situation- absenteeism!. What I'm suggesting is not leaving them for the weekend but throwing yourself into personal interests, hobbies, sport, groups and so on, easy if you have a passion, harder if you dont. For example- when that 14yo step son was coming for the weekend I'd do my garden. Them days we had one acre so I'd immerse myself into that and we'd gather around for meals and TV at night after all he was visiting his mother not me.

I hope you got something out of my reply.

"The job of a step parent is not unlike walking on glass and sweeping it up with a toothbrush... glass being the child and the toothbrush being the influence they allow you..." WK

What do you think of my response?

TonyWK

Flower

Thank you so much for your input. I greatly appreciate it and am taking it onboard.

Just when I think I have found a connection with her, doing makeup together, gardening, baking, taken her shopping, gotten her nails done all stuff that could be built upon to be a fun activity together. It barely has time to become something and she turns on a dime and starts screaming at me.

I would keep trying but it's getting to the point where I dont know what is real or fake with her and I don't really want to keep putting myself through the cruelty right now.

I know I will soften up and try again cos that's just what I do because I can't help but want to help people and be there for people.

I bought her something really expensive for her birthday from my work to be like hey you deserve something nice and you can show it off to your friends. It lasted a few days and she was berating the place I work saying its stupid and overrated.

I absolutely want to start putting time into myself. I think that is a really good idea. Also getting my partner to spend more time with the kids on his own. The only thing is that he sees me as so much part of the family that he wants us to do stuff all together.

I wasn't feeling well one day and we were going to go to the pool and I suggested he take the kids and left me at home but he said it wouldn't be the same, he wanted me there so we were having fun as a complete family. The kids ended up not wanting to go in the end but yeah. I will encourage him to spend more time doing something with just the kids. If he can get them off their phones long enough haha.

Thanks again for input. I truly appreciate it x

white knight

Well you're doing all the right things.

Below is a thread about how short comments can be far more effective and take the place of arguments.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/wit-the-only-answer-for-torment/td-p/71440

It might help. I'm glad you took it on board.

Feel free to add instances that occur here if needing ideas.

TonyWK