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Sinking into a black hole with no intimacy

Community Member
Hi everyone, in my younger years I struggled alot with depression . As I've grown older I've managed to controlit and accept my feelings. I've been in a stable place mentally for the last 6 years .

I'm 30 years old. 9 months ago I met my partner through an online platform, we began seeing each other from different states until 3 months ago I moved to be with him.
We have not had sex once the last 3 months , after 3 weeks I had to ask what was going on as he would turn away ebery time itried to kiss him for too long . He told me stress, days and weeks passed as I got more and more down on myself. I found myself retracting, closing up etc he would see how hurt I was but he could never give me an explanation. Fast forward to now, I've managed to get an insight into why which I won't discuss here but it may take months for us to have a sex life again and that's only a maybe. He still only tells me th3 bare minimum and each day I feel myself getting more depressed sinking into this hole. Along with thus there is zero intimacy , he has not kissed me properly, passionately once since I arrived 3 months ago - I've brought this up, he says he doesn't want to lead me on and disappoint me if I want more. ... ( let me add, he is very affectionate, hugs kisses on the cheek etc but nothing more than a peck)
Living with the man I'm in love with who can't show intimacy , who can't kiss me or even share a moment with me is breaking me. We are now isolated together and I'm finding it hard to hold myself together around him, because what do I tell him if I break down, that I can't be with him if we can't have a sex life? That part isn't his fault. And how do I explain to someone what intimacy is and how the lack of it is destroying our relationship?
When we lay in bed at night I wait for him to fall asleep just so I can cry. I hate it. I'm miserable but equally just as happy! I've met someone so compatible with me in every other way. This battle in my head is driving me crazy.
I don't know how I can be ok in a relationship with a man who can't kiss me .
3 Replies 3

Community Member
My feelings of depression and my ability to withstand this emotional weight comes in waves. I'm ok for a couple of weeks maybe three, then all of a sudden i am not ok. And I see no light. Either I leave and hurt someone I love ,or i stay and I hurt myself . I just want to feel ok.

Community Member

Hi Daisy

Your sad post is a classic reminder of the old adage, sex in a marriage is only an issue in 10% of good marriages yet 90% of an issue in bad marriages.

The first thing to realise is you are not alone. An unsatisfactory relationship with no or low intimacy is one of the most common issues counsellors face every day. Every negative feeling you have so accurately expressed is a fast trip towards a break up unless there is a course redirection.

He says he doesn’t want to lead you on if what he is providing is below your expectations. Therefore he must know the relationship is at risk. Could this be his way of ending it? Some men are dreadful cowards when it comes to respectfully ending relationships.

I’m assuming there were no issues with intimacy prior to 3 months ago (otherwise you wouldn’t have moved house). Because you haven’t revealed the reasons why he is struggling for intimacy, it is difficult to offer specific advice so I am going to try and get you to question your attitude.

Could you be overthinking this problem? I don’t mean the problem is not real but is your attitude towards it over complicated considering you’re only 3 months into the living together stage. You see, in my experience if there intimacy problems in young people this early in the relationship, you can bet the problem will never go away.

I understand you feel strongly in love with your fellow but the gulf between you is a large one. Yes, it will hurt if you break away now, but better now than struggle with your torment and sadness for another 12 months, only to break up then.

Of course, I’m presuming he doesn’t have some temporary medical or psychological issue that will pass with effective treatment. Your post implied that wasn’t the case.

Please post again if I have missed the key points you were seeking advice.

Hi Betternow, yes your last comment was correct he has since come to me and discussed why, which has to do with health reasons I just didn't want to go too in-depth online. Whether this is temporary or permanent at this stage I don't know.
And because of this he has held back from any type of intimacy as he says if he kisses me and I want more in that moment he won't be able to follow through. I know this takes a big toll on his self esteem as well but I can't be ok like this.

We have had communication problems as I've discussed in another thread, I have struggled to express my feelings , since I posted that thread he actually came home from his meeting and hugged me, apologised for yelling and sat and talked with me till we found a solution so I'm really pleased he tried and hopefully will keep trying.

I know he loves me and finds me attractive ( I've been in enough toxic relationships too understand co-dependency and love) so I am sure of this.
And outside of these issues we laugh all the time and share alot of common ground. But this intimacy thing is a real hard one. I don't know how to fix this.