Should I stay or should I go?

[Gigi1981]

Hello Everyone,

my husband is clearly suffering from depression and shows all the key symptoms. It comes in peaks and troughs and I am not sure what triggers it. I assume that this time, it was a selection of work stress, discussions we had and his sudden thoughts of potentially wanting children. We discussed children at length before our wedding several years ago and I was always open about not wanting children. He did not want any at the time, too, but now says that he is not sure anymore and that the thought of children "hurts" him. Is is confused and unsure but believes we are diverging. He is tired all the time and recently has become very withdrawn, to the point of telling me he wants to be alone and misses his single life. Then again, he tells me he loves me a lot and the thought of losing me hurts him to the point of crying. But when I ask him whether we should split up, the first reason he gives me why he doesn't want to is that the administration of a separation would be too much work. When I told him that that is not a good reason to stay together and that I believe we should separate because i cannot live with these annually upcoming existential doubts and questions he has, he said that he cannot imagine living without me. I believe depression has left him completely confused but I am also at a point where I wonder whether he has these depressive bouts again and again because he is not happy with the relationship and does not see a future anymore. I wish I could find out whether that is the case but when I ask him, he says he does not know and gets all withdrawn again. He thinks that i am better off without him but in the same sentence, he tells me hurtful and mean things about me, like him missing to be by himself and living his life without having to fake excitement for the things I like. We have a beautiful holiday booked for the end of the year and after seeming genuinely excited for so long, he now tells me that it all just seems like a big chore and effort to him. Even the relaxing part of the holiday which he actually craved is now all of a sudden "too long". I don't know what to do anymore. I have gone through these same things every year since we got together eight years ago. I can't help but feel that he is just not happy in the relationship but for some reason does not find a way out. Or is it the depression that it appears his family has a tendency for? I don't know anymore. Most of all, should I leave for my own sake & happiness?

[Croix]

Dear GiGi~

You said

I am now really worried that if I do not walk away from this relationship, it
will mean that my life will continue like this for the next 40 years

Well if things continue as they are I would think there is a fair possibility of exactly that happening. If you remember in my case I improved and kept on improving (always with ups and downs I must admit) and problem episodes became sorter and less frequent. In addition I regarded my wife as an equal partner - and was dumbfounded she wanted to remain. There were never any old hostilities or feelings of superiority, even when at my worst.

If I understand apart from being diagnosed and an initial course of therapy you husband has not been under treatment. I guess Mary (White Rose) has probably put forward the best strategy if you think it feasible. Persuade your husband to be stabilized via medical treatment (most probably meds and therapy) and see how you feel.

Whatever you decide please come back and say how things are going

Croix

[White_Rose]

Hello Gigi

Sorry to be out of touch with you for a while. Unfortunately I have been sick and told to go to bed, keep warm, drink lots of fluids, take my antibiotic. However I am much better and starting to write on BB again.

One thing I have been told constantly and basically I've said yeah, yeah, yeah, is that we are only responsible for ourselves. Lately I have started to see the truth of this in my life. You have a well paid job which you gained because of your skills, you manage running the household with all the tasks this involves, you make time to try and talk to your husband. and you are not falling apart in the process. It may feel like that at times because we all go through bad patches, but essentially you keep your act together.

I wonder how much of this frustrates and irritates your husband. You say, He believes, I am not his equal because of that even though I do most around the house these days (including bills) and I have a job that earns more than him. I am quite successful, well-liked and intelligent, but he holds on to the tiniest things and hence believes I am dependent on him. It is completely absurd. You know yourself and your capabilities. So why does your husband keep up digging up these silly events.

Many men are quite happy to support a stay-at-home wife, or a working wife who earns less then him. It really is a return to the man being being the head of the house, making all the rules and expecting obedience from everyone. Please excuse me if I am mistaken. To me it sounds like he is happy with your current lifestyle and all goes well. However he does have depression and when it rears its head he starts to see you in a different light.

Acknowledging that a wife has more earning power, is not dependent on him for anything and is happy and confident in her life, gets him into a bad place. It's most certainly not your fault and quite probably not his fault. We do reflect the environment in which we were raised. My daughter's parents-in-law are an example of this. Once their first child was born she stopped working. He made all the decisions, including many that were bad for his wife, encouraged his sons to be the boss in their families and wondered why they would discuss matters with their wives.

I suggest something of this nature is happening for your husband and he probably does not realise it. Meanwhile he is making you responsible for anything he feels is wrong because he feels inferior. Tell me what you think about this.

Mary

[Apollo_Black]

What does he believe the real problem is? You?

The only thing can really do is to continue to better yourself and hope he can step up to some degree. Seems to be he's trying to bring you down to his level. He feels inferior because that's exactly the position he is in, and only he can resurrect his mojo. Best not to take the bait and encourage him to see a psychologist. Have you had counselling together?

Does he know you're considering separation? If not he deserves to be aware this. Unfortunately it may come down to option A: seek help or option B: separation

[Gigi1981]

Hi All,

thank you so much for your advice and sorry it has taken me a while to respond. The past weeks have been really difficult, albeit not at home with my husband but rather within my head. It feels like my mind has built a wall or maybe I have played so much with the thought of leaving because I saw it as inevitable that now I don't know what to do anymore. My husband's behaviour has improved again and he makes many attempts to cheer me up. But I can hardly enjoy anything at the moment because I feel like I have lost the last bit of hope in our marriage. I know all too well that after his bad phases everything will look rosy again, just to come crashing down next year or in a few months. He has agreed to see a psychologist again and acknowledges that he has a lot of things to discuss. He says he wants to deal with his issues and get rid of them and he says he does not want me to go. I tried to explain to him that happy marriages don't usually have such all encompassing, fundamental issues like doubting everything, blaming, wanting out etc. He said he wants to speak to the psychologist about always having this flight reflex when he enters his phases although he actually doesn't want to us to break apart. I am happy that he tries to find help for him, but I cannot build up any hope that anything will improve for good anymore. I am now finding myself considering leaving regularly. I don't want to but it is as if I have built a self-protection mechanism that tells me I should save myself because I don't want to regret one day. I feel guilty for not being more loving with him because I do love him but at the moment, it is as if I feel nothing, as if I do not know what to feel, think and do. We have a beautiful trip coming up that I was so excited about. Now he is excited again and I don't know what to feel about it anymore. That makes me really sad. And I am constantly worried whether I should rather break everything off before the trip which builds up pressure. How can I get peace in my head. I don't know whether I can make the decision to separate right now and I don't know whether it would be the right choice. But I don't want to forget how terrible I have felt and that I need a plan B. I am going to see a psychologist this week, but I am scared they will advise to end it. I'm not ready although I currently believe there's no hope. But what if I'm wrong. What if it can change, even if I don't have hope. I just want to stop thinking in circles everyday.

[White_Rose]

Hello Gigi

Well a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. I am so proud of you going to see a psychologist for yourself. I would love to know how it turns out. I doubt any psych would make a suggestion you leave after only one session with him/her. What I think is more likely is the psych will get to know you better, get you to talk about your fears, needs and ambitions and move on to your relationship with your husband. That's my guess only, the psych may talk about completely different topics. So let down your guard and talk about everything.The psych is not allowed to tell anyone what you have talked about.

Your husband making attempts to cheer you up sounds very jolly. I think I would want him to sit down and talk with you about the best way to move forward. If he is going to see a psych then it must be in this 'good' period. Waiting until he falls over, so to speak, will make him resentful and angry putting you both back to square one. I think it is imperative that he returns to therapy immediately if your marriage is to be saved.

Wanting to run away from the family seems to be a common step with men who are depressed. You are the third wife who is in this situation that I have answered recently. All for different reasons but basically because they are depressed. The men say they are going for the good of the family, they are burden to the family, family would be better off without them, and off they go. It's the wife who has to pick up the pieces. Not biased in any way, just working from the posts we have received.

There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. You cannot make him depressed or stop it happening. You can support him while he learns to live with depression but it's difficult when he pushes you away. I think you love him very much to put up with this for eight years without him looking for and getting help. Also continuing to go until he can manage by himself.

Look after your own mental health as you will not be able to support him if you are crushed. Also look after yourself because you have a long lifetime and it should not be spent living with this will I/won't I stuff.

Mary

[Gigi1981]

Hello All,

I hope you are all well and happy. I just wanted to share my past weeks since seeing the psychologist and also to maybe get a bit more advice. By the way, thank you, I really appreciate it.

I went to the psychologist and it felt like such a relief. I had been waiting for weeks to get in and was about to go mad. The psychologist gave me what I needed, i.e. a way to see that I can give our relationship a chance while at the same time keeping track of what I want from life. My key need that I explained to her was that I did not want to lose myself in false hope and that I wanted to continue planning my future, even if that meant doing it alone. She gave me a strategy to give the marriage a chance but set times for myself at which I will look at it and re-evaluate. So I will do that. I have also started a journal to write my thoughts, plans, goals and feelings down. It is helping. After the psychologist, I felt great for a little while but then the concerns and fears that I will end up in the same cycle year after year crept back in. I am trying my best to fight them because I realise that there are only two ways at the moment. Either, I leave (which I think I am not ready or willing to yet) or I stay and give it a chance. However, I realise that if I choose the latter, I should probably do it wholeheartedly. Otherwise, what's the point? It is difficult for me to do that wholeheartedly because in me, a fear has formed that says "if you commit 100% again, you will be hurt again". But I also read a lot online, especially about the fact that worrying about something that may or may not happen, just makes your present life worse and draws the possible pain out longer. If it then, in the end, does not occur, you made your life difficult for no reason. This makes complete sense to me, but inside I am still scared that if I commit again and try to be my old self (which I am no longer), I will fall back into a pattern and be hurt again. Or maybe my real fear is that my husband will not see anymore how much I am in pain and uncertainty. So how can I get out of that cycle of thinking and commit without making the mistake of creating false hope. Then again, maybe there is hope. I am massively on a self-protection path at the moment. But my husband had his first session and it appears that the psych is quite good. But it is still too fresh to believe that long-term change will happen. So how do I give it time and fully commit until it's time to re-evaluate?

[Apollo_Black]

Awesome work! You are sounding level headed and you have a plan. Don't worry about the negative thoughts creeping in, that's totally normal. Keep reminding yourself your are concentrating on moving forward and trying your best. As long as things are stable and safe at home then there's is no reason you can't give it your best shot to repair your marriage. The stay plan is the same as the go plan. Ultimately you are making positive changes to yourself which will hopefully improve your relationship. If it doesn't then you'll be in a better position to separate and get on with a better life. So if you are safe, free from abuse or anything like that, then you can continue to knuckle down and keep moving forward. You can take the focus away from worrying about leaving, particularly if you're not ready for anything like that. I don't comment a lot lately, but I can see that you have gained strength which is good to see. Keep it up and if you feel like you need a pep talk come back and we can help

[Gigi1981]

Thank you so much Apollo and Everyone else! I really cherish all your advice, thoughts and most of all, the time you take for a stranger's problems. It means a lot and has carried me through the last couple of weeks of emotional mayhem! Please let me know if I can return the favour any time, what goes around, comes around. Have a lovely week and here's to hope, faith in ourselves and the beauty in even the hardest things in life!

[White_Rose]

Hello Gigi

I will certainly raise a glass to that toast.

Are you continuing to see the psychologist? I hope so as it will give you someone who will listen to you and help you sort out the truth from the imagined stuff. Sometimes we need another person to help us challenge our thoughts.

I am pleased that you feel you have a plan. That helps as you do not need to think about what to do next. It's already decided.

I hope you will continue to write in here to keep us up to date. Or simply to dump your feelings if you have a bad.

Mary