Should I leave or stay?

[Tulips2019]

Hi everyone,

ive been in a relationship for 2 years now, we live together with my 2 kids 10 & 9. I was previously in an abusive marriage and was single for 5 years after my divorce. I finally met someone and we hit it off straight away and fell madly in love. Kids love him too and I introduced him to my kids 8months after meeting. I wanted to be 100% sure before he met the kids. Shortly after meeting the kids we moved in together.
this is when I began to notice a certain behaviour. If we ever had a small disagreement or even if I would say anything that he didn’t like he would start shouting at me and became very verbally abusive. This was shocking to me and very scary and hurtful. Rather then apologise he would give me the silent treating for days and finally after days would try to apologise. This has now gone on for 18months. He has also yelled at my kids, yelled at me in front of my kids and called my horrible names. I’ve given it so many chances but I feel like I just can’t do it anymore. Every time I say I’m leaving he convinced me to stay. I feel like I tread on eggshells everyday because if I say the wrong thing I know he will snap and the same thing will happen. I don’t want to raise my boys in this environment.
he extremely rude at times and very condescending. We have been to councelling but stopped when he thought we were back on track and no longer needed therapy. I feel so controlled and stressed everyday. I want out but I’m stressed about the pressure of having to pack and move out.
I just need some honest advise.

thanks

Tulips

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Tulips,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

I want to start by saying that no-one can really tell you whether you should stay or leave. You are the only one to decide that.

What I would like to suggest is that perhaps you could go back to counseling on your own, even if your partner doesn't want to go back to counseling with you? The fact that you have both been to counseling before suggests that there is indeed some love there, and that you are willing to work at the relationship. Working on it on your own though, is obviously a much more difficult undertaking.

I think that of paramount importance is your safety, and the safety of your boys. If indeed you are in any kind of danger at any time, then yes, I would certainly suggest leaving then, even if only for a day or two until he calms down again. The last thing anyone wants, needs, or deserves in any way is to be unsafe in their own home.

The number 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) is also available to you to chat to someone, and is open 24/7. Beyond Blue is also 'open' 24/7, however you may not always get an instant response to your posts.

Feeling like you are walking on eggshells all the time is no fun at all, and I certainly feel for you there, having been in that situation myself. Please feel free to keep coming back here, knowing that we will support you as much as we can, with what we have.

Take care. I hope that helps at least a little? I'll be thinking of you. xo

[Juliet_84]

Hi Tulips2019,

My heart truly goes out to you, as I am also familiar with that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you realize there is something drastically wrong with the person you’ve fallen in love with. That must have been compounded for you by the fact that you have gone through the trauma of leaving and divorcing your ex-husband with your boys, only to seemingly end up in a similar situation. No one can tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, as it is your life and you are entitled to live it the way that you see fit. But it would be such a shame to go through all that to only end up back there in a sense. That being said, I only say that to you as someone who wishes you happiness - I’m reminded of the quote “when you’re going through hell, keep going”. I want you to know this is a judgment free zone and you also don’t even need to put any pressure on yourself now of making a decision. I agree with Soberlicious that it might be worthwhile to go and see a councilor on your own and they can hopefully make you feel stronger within yourself.