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She left and took who I was with her

Community Member

Fiancée of twelve years left a couple months back for another guy she met on a contkiki. A continuing i was asked to to attend. She lied and cheated so many times and me being dumb and in love forgave her several times.

she finished her degree and left me because I “wasn’t getting better”. I was being treated for insomnia depression and anxiety. I was trying everything I could but that wasn’t enough for her.

id supported her with everything I had. Through her abusive parents and our financial struggles, I did what I could to keep her smiling. It clearly wasn’t enough. Or she wasn’t the person I thought she was. I thought I knew her after twelve years but who knows.

i want this loneliness to be over. I’m so scared of being alone for the rest of my life. I consider myself a realist in that I know I’m a person deserveing of love, and I’m not unattractive, but in a world where average isn’t enough I’m so afraid of being alone for a long time. I’ve barely coped with the last two months, how am I going to be in a year. Two. Ten?

how do you keep your head up? I’m doing all the things your “supposed to do” I’m seeing a psych, I’m getting out and being social, I’m trying to distract myself with work.

What else can I do? I feel so worthless and unwanted. I smile for my friends but there has barely been a night where I havnt cried myself to sleep. I feel ridiculous, I just want this to be over, but I don’t know who I am without her.

i don’t want a rebound. I don’t want casual sex, I want a partner. Someone who I can share everything with and at this point it’s looking like I might not be able to find that any time soon. If ever.

how do you keep your head up. Please, I’m drowning.

6 Replies 6

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor


I know your pain all too well sadly, but with added venom, I was married to her and we had 2 young children, on top of that, I was locked out of the home 2 days after first being told she didnt want to live together anymore, which so happened to be my birthday, told me that there were charges against me and an avo, which I later found out to be lies just to keep me away (I was naive and was first time in this situation so didnt know what to do), I was left homeless, lost my job, the split also split my side of the family from me as well, and hit a deep depression I am still suffering from, to this day. She had moved away from the old home, not informing me of her address, changed her number and blocked me from all contact, and because of that, I have never even seen any of my sons birthdays (he was 9 months old when we split), didnt get to see them go to school, and of all the dreams I can remember, at least 80% of them are nightmares of me trying to battle it out in court and losing my kids, hence why I suffer a bit of a sleep problem.

The thing that keeps me going is My kids, I cant let them go on without knowing me, I dont know if you have any, but if you dont, its not the only thing. My mental state has always been rather logical, and in general I do tend to be an optimistic type of person, so I see life can still give happiness, you never know what is going to be there for you the next day, and I know its well worth sticking around to seeing.

I motivated myself as much I could over the last 8 years (thats how long its been since I have seen my kids), but chasing dreams I wanted to go after, but had sacrificed for the sake of starting a family, I got a car I always wanted to own, I traveled overseas, I got a new job and love doing what I do. clearing these things out of the way so that when I do find someone worth being with (which now I have more of an idea on what to look for in a partner, so I know it will be better than my last effort) I can focus on them fully, helping them get their dreams and being happy to be a part of it in the process.

Thats how I get through it, I dont know if this will help you, but maybe there are some things you can get out of it

Keep your chin up, and focus on you while you can, dont let anything stop you from becoming happy again


Community Member

That was really tough to read and I can't imagine exactly how you feel. Through my relationship struggles I have found we all seem to cope differently and fear different things.

For me personally i feel there are 4 stages in relationships.

Level 4- being with someone but in a bad relationship, or being unhappy

Level 3- being single but unhappy about it.

Level 2- being single but finding contentment and joy.

Level 1 (which is potentially on par with level 2 - not sure as i have never experienced it) - being in a relationship and being content/ being in a good one.

i found myself at level 4 for many years. And although I havent met a man who I feel I can trust or want to spend my life with that is also single, I am still have found contentment in being single. So I am at level 2!!!

There is a saying my father has always said to me "better alone than in bad company".

Make the most of your single state to do things you enjoy/think you will enjoy. I ended up taking up new outdoor sport activities as being in nature is super refreshing and grounding for me. I also am learning and instrument, learning to cook new cuisines, enjoying TED talks and planning trips ive always wanted to do. I want to enjoy being alone, and free.

Its not always easy being single but if i ever start feeling sorry about myself I remind myself that I am no longer at level4, but level2. And I beleive we will all get to level 1 if we work hard at improving our own personality and be sure not to compromise on the essential values we need in a mate. Im.hopeful, and I send out those vibes. I live on hope that i will find a partner who will truly love me, want to work at the relationship and enjoy getting the most out of this life.

Maybe we need to Find who you we are. And love who you are. Then we will be able to love another again. Thats my focus.

Very proud of men like you who share their feelings and emotions. It's refreshing and inspiring.

That’s rough man. I’m impressed you got through all that. God knows what my ex has been saying behind my back because people have been dropping out of my life like crazy.

im Trying to keep at it. If it was just one problem I’d be able to manage but I think you know full well that when t rains it storms.

im just still weathering my storm I guess. Thanks for your reply. It meant a lot that you share and give a damn about me in the slightest

Its ok, its been 8 years, pain hasnt reduced, but I think maybe I am more tough skinned to it now than before, which means it helps me cope better and function better, its about the only way to describe it. It got to the point where some switch flipped inside me and I decided to make the most of my life, and focus on whats important to me, solve each problem as they came up one at a time, and now I can honestly say that I am still me, still optimistic, still enjoy life.

As I said, it is really the only way i can describe it, I am still in a depressive state, but dont feel as hopeless or as "oppressed" as I once did. So it means I can cope with it.


thanks for the reply, it certainly is a good way to look at things. I think the metaphors I’m using most these days is “when it rains it pours” and right now I’m still trying to weather the downpour.

as I said in the original post I’m “doing all the things” that I’m “meant to”. I’m just facing more and more rejection from old friends, potential new friends and so on.

I really don’t like being alone, my psych diagnosed me with what’s basically the polar opposite of psychopathy/sociopathy, in that the parts of the brain associated with emotion and empathy are hyperactive and slightly larger. (Brain MRI’s are freaky)

so what that basically means is I cant shut down an emotional response easily. In my case that means a lot of people are currently taking full advantage of the fact that I’m a generous person, because I can’t bring myself to not help someone regardless of the cost to me. The guilt overwhelms me.

this ties back to my loneliness in that I now have no one to turn to who accepts me fully. Everyone knows and likes parts of me but shies away from the whole, and I’m so afraid of never finding someone like that again.

im an average guy in a world where average isn’t nearly enough, and it’s dragging me down.

thanks again for your reply it meant a lot, and gave me a lot to think about. I hope you find who you are looking for.

Community Member

If it helps at all I am where you are.

It was only six years not twelve, but I’ve since learned that he had someone else for that final year.

I’m sorry I don’t have any wise words or advice for you, but hopefully you can take some comfort in the fact that I am where you are. If nothing else I can offer empathy and the ability to relate.

I hope that tomorrow is easier for you than today