Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

I hope it’s a temporary dip right now. It’s taking up so much energy right now.
I just want to feel like I’m contributing something meaningful. Or I’m in a group of some kind, like at Orygen. That would go some way to give me some validation.

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

I'm of the opinion that we are always contributing something meaningful when we interact with others.

By telling us about your experience right now, you are contributing to the wellbeing and understanding of many people who read your posts and are either going through the same thing as you, or perhaps are learning more about a wider set of experiences to enrich their own lives.

For example, I used to volunteer at a disadvantaged high school and I honestly think I got more out of it. I learnt (second-hand) about living in a war zone, about losing your family to African militia, about being sent on a boat to a new country while your parents stay behind on shore. I may never live those experiences, but having heard about them directly, and mentored the kids, I feel a bit more aware of how these things change the worlds we live in.

So you're not useless now nor when you aren't in a dip. Perhaps you are not contributing as much as you'd like, but hey, you can only do so much and right now you are demonstrating to me and to many others that it's very possible to really be open and honest about yourself on a metal health forum.

James

[Azzdog]

I guess so. I hope there are some who are reading this forum and at least feel reassured they are not the only ones going through this. That’s how it feels from my end, that I’m struggling and this kind of situation is unique to me.

That kind of experience sounds like a really meaningful one. It’s the kind I would like to have as well. The more we learn about others experiences the more we can understand about our own.

Some positives I can take out of today are that despite feeling crap I went out and got my electric guitar fixed. I also managed to get through work yesterday despite wanting to come home many times. Do I can do things it’s just that my mind wants to look at the negatives a lot.

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

Just want you to know that you are not alone in this. But that your situation is unique to you as mine is to me. Daily I have this feeling that my chest be being crushed, stomach in knots, sweaty palms, etc. The ADs that I am on now are intended to manage anxiety as well as depression. They sorta work. The thoughts in my mind are reduced, but the physical symptoms not. I explained this to the psychiatrist today. So whatever is affecting me at the moment is at more subconscious level than ????

You also said that you mind what to look at negatives a lot. That, to some extent, describes me to a tee! I will minimise the positive and focus of the negative. Slowly getting better at it. But that is just it. Slow and steady. You wish it could get better faster, but it does not.

It can only get better (for me) if each day I reflect on the positives. Even small things like water, shaving, brushing teeth, coffee, food. You staying at work despite wanting to go home shows perseverance. You are getting a degree - something to look forward to. You can play music, which is another positive. You know there are many one man bands/projects in the US and AUS in the atmospheric black metal genre.

Chat again with you later,

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

Gee that sounds really rough. Is that a side effect of the medication or something entirely different? Hopefully you manage to overcome t so on because it wouldn’t help your mental health. It wouldn’t help mine that’s for sure.

I write a lot of music to just fill the time. But who knows? If I find the right avenue maybe I’ll put them into a wider audience. I don’t think I could do them on my own though b cause it requires a vocalist and I can’t really sing (that well).

Another positve from yesterday is that I finished the main story of the new Assassins Creed game. Felt like there was a lot of grinding to do so I felt accomplished that I managed to get to the end of the main story. Still have a ton of side quests to do though.

Hope you are okay at the moment Tim.

[Azzdog]

I have crashed horribly again. It's a hard life knowing you are ugly.

I feel nothing.

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

Do you think that you might be able to replace "knowing" with "thinking". Tell yourself that is what your mind is thinking and is not really the case. Or could you say "thank you" to your mind? Or say it using the voice of some cartoon character so the impact is lessened?

I am sorry that you feel nothing. Do you want to talk about it? What happened?

Tim

[Azzdog]

I think it is all based on experience. How can I think that I am not ugly when I have never had a relationship with a woman before? I know that I can make people laugh and all that so I can 'think' that my personality is not ugly, even though I have my days. I have no way of being able to reconcile with the idea that I am ugly from a physical point of view. That's my conundrum.

The other issue I am facing, which has set me off, is this. Relationships are not guaranteed nor are they a right. Yet media has us believing that this is something that just happens eventually. Unfortunately, based on what I know and some of the replies to this forum, this is not the case. I have no way of knowing for certain if it will or won't happen but I don't have a lot of faith that it will.

Let's put it this way. I am a straight edge. That tells you that I don't drink alcohol, amongst other things, and I am anti-establishment (not for the sake of it, but based on principle and my values). This already puts me in a niche market of getting a girlfriend. The way alcohol is treated in this country is almost cult like. If you don't drink it you will find it harder to make connections with others. The opportunities for social connections diminishes.

Now this necessarily wouldn't be a major issue except for one thing. I have depression, social anxiety, a dependent personality trait, and OCD. This is what makes things especially difficult. Being an introverted, shy, ruminating, social anxious straight edge is a real setback in today's society. It's different. Totally different from what modern society expects of people trying to fit in. Different is not okay in the eyes of the mainstream. You are made out to be weird and strange and "The Other".

This is what I am up against. How do I rise above this and prove to others that I can be just as fun without the need for alcohol? I often hear people say that "you can't have fun without alcohol". I would argue that those people lead very boring lives if they can't have fun without it.

I like punk music, I STRONGLY dislike modern pop music, I like history (I don't know many people who do and attempts at finding groups have been very difficult). Where does this put me in the eyes of women? I don't know but I am damn sure I am up against the wall and I have a lot of roadblocks in front of me.

[Azzdog]

Another thing that I think is worth mentioning:

There is no doubt that what I am going through is not unique and that this is a problem facing a lot of people. However, what I have seen on the forums is that this issue does not have the publicity nor the exposure it should have. I think the underrepresentation on this issue in the forums could be because the conversation is so heavily in favour of people in relationships, and that society takes it for granted, that people are not as encouraged to open up about it.

Thats me just thinking out loud there but I think its curious that this is something not being brought up a lot.

In any case, there is a real scarcity in the amount of information and knowledge out there on the damage being single can have on someone's mind. There is plenty of that kind of stuff for people in relationships, as there should be. But there is a real lack of knowledge in regards to the damage that is being done being single. No one is making that conversation happen, probably because a lot of people don't care. Like I said in a previous comment, this is a couples word. It's also a families world. Not a world if you are single like me.

I am going to make a real effort in making sure there is more public discourse about what I have just mentioned; the damages of being single and being an advocate for men's health. It's important we have these discussions because we need something to fill the gaping void that there is on men's health and being single. Women also need to feel safe and validated in this discussion as well. I would go further and say their voice is integral to the conversation as well. Gender equality benefits everyone.

I want this attitude to change. I want people to be more aware of this. It needs to be discussed and I will make that happen.

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

On alcohol... you might be right as far as attitudes towards drinking of alcohol, but that does not mean if you went to a pub you had to buy a beer other alcoholic drink? I know of a few people around my age that don't drink, and others would not think any better or worse than then because of it. And the same applies at a restaurant or nightclub. There is no rule that says you have consume alcohol?

On your taste in music... I have said this before that I like extreme metal. And my wife and kids don't like it. My kids like hip-hop. I don't. My dad likes Australian Country music. Not me. Everyone has different tastes when it comes to music. Your taste is music would be neither here nor there as to how a woman might look at you.

Nor is your liking of history. My brother has a degree in Ancient History. Because he liked it. But he also made friends with others in the history department at Uni.

Come some date in Dec, you will have a degree. And that degree should lead to some sort of employment. (I cannot remember whether you were doing something in the teaching area.) And this would give you opportunities to connect with other people?

When I asked about the board games group recently you replied saying it would take a long time for you to able to invite someone out for coffee etc. That's OK. I am not the best conversationalist either. But it also sounds like you want a relationship now? My final thought is that maybe some women think you are already in a relationship if you did not bring up the subject?

You are not ugly. And yes there are roadblocks. But as it my psychologist says to me (paraphrasing).... "have to rework (/reroute) the pathways in your mind" to get past these roadblocks. I am confident you can do this.

Tim