Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Well I feel its the truth.

I hope there are options.

What was the question you wanted to ask?

[Azzdog]

I feel very empty inside. Orygen is almost over (though I have serious grievances with then). I feel like I’m fighting to stay afloat at the moment.

It really doesn’t happen to everyone, a relationship. I’m still astounded that nothing is being done to help young people, particularly young men, to help them feel connected and validated by other young men. In a sense they wouldn’t feel so alone. It makes me sad and angry to see nothing at all in Victoria on this. I have tried to rectify this but no one took me seriously and a lot of people just dismissed it.

I wonder what it will take for a woman to take a chance on me? Nah who am I kidding? I have nothing of value to offer. Nothing at all.

[Azzdog]

I’m struggling so much. I feel so lonely and uncared for. I have no options. HOW DO I TURN THINGS AROUND?!?!???????!!!!?

I can’t see a future where I’m living a decent life. I’m dead inside

[Quercus]

Hi Aaron,

Far out you sound utterly miserable/distressed.

You have a fair point wanting better supports for young men. In rural areas particularly suicide rates for young men are significant. Why do you think your ideas were overlooked?

Have you considered what you specifically need in terms of support? Validation from other young men is a broad statement. How? What sort of interaction would achieve that?

And also... Is this kind of support truly non existent? Sporting or other groups come to mind. Or are you searching more for a peer based discussion similar to when you and Mitch speak online here?

I think what I'm getting at is I'm not entirely sure what kind of help you want or need?

It is hard to see you distressed and have no idea how to help.

[smallwolf]

Aaron,

I won't ask the question as this point in time. As Quercus said, you sound very distressed and anything I was going to ask would not be helpful. It can wait.

From your recent posts, it seems there are two problem you are facing. The first relates to a young men's support group, and the second concerns relationships. Quercus is right about your statements as broad, and perhaps need to become more specific what you are trying to do/achieve.

But... have you heard of the "Young Mens Project" which "which aims to reduce male youth suicide by asking young men to come up with ideas, programs or events to make it easier for their peer group to
seek help, and shift the way young men think about mental health issues" (from their web site).

They are an Australian based group you might be able to contact. Rather than trying to create your own group, perhaps partnering with an existing group might help? And if they do not have anything in your geographical area, perhaps this would be a chance to create something?

As for turning things around, are you able to find (any) positives in each day? Write these down. Reflect on them when you go to bed. And, perhaps, with time, things might seem a little brighter. Then I will ask you the question.

Quercus, James and I are still sitting with you,

Tim

[Azzdog]

I am very distressed and very scared about the future. I don't know what the future has in stall for me but judging on my past experiences, it probably won't be good.

My ideas were overlooked due to the fact that Orygen is a public health service and that things move slowly in the public system. Also Orygen is undergoing funding cuts which means the group program there has been decimated. Usually they have things daily but the program is quite scarce at the moment.

My idea for the group is potentially twofold. It could be at a public health service, like Orygen, where male clinicians run it and it is more of a formal therapy setting. That was my original idea. Then I thought about another idea where it is more of a social group. A group of young men hang out weekly, or fortnightly, and just do some fun activities like bowling for example. We would also include a space where we can sit down and discuss things that are troubling them. So it would be a bit like what Mitch and I have here except there would be a social element to it.

The trouble with sporting clubs is that they can be very hit and miss. When I played football the team I played for was like a boys club. If you weren't apart of the inner circle you were essentially an outsider, not good for overall team morale and wellbeing but the club I played for didn't really emphasis that as a part of being a team.

Sorry for taking so long to reply. Today has been a truly awful day.

[Azzdog]

I haven't heard of that group but I will check it out more tomorrow as I have work in the morning and I need to get to sleep soon.

The one positive today is that I didn't have a mental breakdown. It looked like it was going to happen a lot today. I am just really angry at the hand life has given me and the problems I have had at orygen.

I don't see a future where things are good, I truly don't.

[Azzdog]

I am in a desperate place right now. Really trying to work out why I have been delivered such an awful hand.

[Azzdog]

I feel heartbroken, utterly heartbroken. I wish I could live a decent life but I don’t think that can happen.

[james1]

Hi Aaron,

I don't want to post much as Tim and Quercus have already written some good posts and there's clearly a lot on your mind at the moment, so I don't want to add to your thoughts.

it is such a chicken and egg problem. It seems like you really want to feel validated by other men and by women, and you don't know how so are asking us for help. Yet at the same time, we are asking you on what you need to feel validated, because we also recognise the struggles you are having, but it seems like just talking to you about these things isn't enough.

It maybe feels like a bit of an impasse right now, but I think and hope that this is one of those temporary dips that you've described before, and perhaps we'll be in a better place to think about it when it does subside. Until then, perhaps we can take the small achievements. You're still here, we're still here.

James