Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[smallwolf]

Aaron,

Depends on how far you have from Uni and what time is available to you...

For reasons known to myself, I have been (weather this week being the exception) going to my college to do my work from there. And of course, that way you mix with the staff and other students as well. I should mention the college I go to is much smaller than a regular Uni, but has a association/link with CSU. And when I am there I can in some of the other activities that occur during the day(s). There is something special about being able to chat/mix with other people on campus.

I guess the question is now... do you have time during the week to go to Uni? Is it very far away from where you live? Would you anticipate any problems/issues doing this? Do you even want to do this? And if you did go, you could look out for "clubs"?

I don't remember Kings of Chaos. The games I played were mainly in the 80s, then games like Doom, then Online RPGs. And James is correct about the fetch quests. I liked D&D Online, but found it heavily instanced and had to replay a lot of quests to advance.

I don't know too much about batyr. But I did find there web site and had a quick look. Very interesting what they do. And someone (Dalai Lama) said (I got this from the book of joy and paraphrasing) that you help or give hope to someone else, it can help to reduce your own suffering. If nothing else, it is a distraction from ourselves.

Tim

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey you two,

Sorry for the late reply, I had a breakdown yesterday and I've spent the past couple of days trying to get an assignment done on top of that. It was really hard and I'm still not completely better either.

The book about Germanicus would be a terrific read I reckon. The greatest emperor Rome never had. I recently got a book called The History and the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. A monumental piece of work if there ever was one and highly recommended.

I go to La Trobe, the campus in Melbourne, and it only takes 25 minutes to get there. However, I just don't feel the need to go. I don't normally get anything out of going there just to study apart from getting study done. For all intents and purposes I am invisible at uni.

The reason I had a breakdown is due to this longstanding issue I have had at Orygen with my former therapist. I wanted to start a body image/mens health group and she inadvertently got in the way of it. It has been a year and it has not been resolved. I intend to do my own group but I don't have the resources Orygen has or the knowhow. I had another breakdown as well over relationships when I found out that a former friend of mine has just been to Thailand with his girlfriend. They have been dating for about 5 minutes. It doesn't seem normal to me.

[Azzdog]

Like I honestly feel very cheated that this is my life. I didn't want to be born with a mental illness and I hate the thought that I've pushed people away on this forum particularly. I don't like being angry and I am scared that I will never have a 'normal' life.

I really do feel like this will never change.

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

Just when things were looking up?

Firstly, did you go to the board games club at the beginning of the week? How did that go?

On Uni... So you might be a little bit away from campus. But it is not that far away if you want a change of scenery. New people, new faces? Or would that be a little bit much? Let me know.

Friends holidaying in Thailand... Maybe that is normal these days? I can't say. But from what you are saying they were not going out for that long. I probably wouldn't do that. Would you?

And you have not pushed James or myself away. We will keep chatting as long as you need to. I know you want things to change. But these things don't happen overnight. If I am being honest, I have lived with this for 30+ years, getting worse year by year. Fixes are not instant. But each day we hope is better than the last. Or each week is better than the last, even if there are some down days.

Remember, you are not alone here! And it is ok to be scared. But we are riding this train with you, wherever it takes us.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

Unfortunately I had a breakdown earlier this week and I couldn’t go. I will endeavour to go this Tuesday when it’s back on.

I sometimes go to my local library which is only a few minutes away. Going to uni is just too much for me right now.

I can assure you they are not friends, or they are more than friends. Before we fell out he said he was dating her and that hasn’t changed. Personally I wouldn’t do something like that unless we had been together for a year or so. Particularly if you are going to a place like Thailand where neither of them have been.

I know you and James have not been pushed away but I feel like others may feel that way on this forum. It is not my intention I’m just dealing with awful thoughts and I don’t often handle them well.

I appreciate that though 😊 I have an ASD assessment on Monday which may give me some answers.

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

I hope you get to go out on Tuesday. Please don't feel like I am pushing you to do anything however. And if Uni is too much then do that later? You cannot run before you walking or crawling. Start small, and as you feel comfortable with those, aim higher.

On your friend going to Thailand... Can I ask if it is possible for you to be happy for them? Even when you and I might not agree with the timing.

On pushing people away... People come, people go. We dont know how many people read each thread. And some might know how to reply. And as you said, it takes persistence to get to know you. While you have James and I here, you are not alone.

Best of luck for the assessment today! Hope it goes OK for you,

Tim

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

Sorry to hear you had a breakdown before. That really sucks that she got in the way of you starting up the group. Perhaps it is something that you can look to start later? Have you ever tried to start up a Meet Up group?

And I am not sure if I have said it before, but I don't come online on weekends. I know this is often a hard time for you, but I just hope you can remember that if I go missing over the weekend, it's not to do with you.

Is that the book by Gibbon? I borrowed that once and got a fair way through. It's a great book! Do you like any other parts of history?

I hope the assessment is useful and if I don't hear from you before tomorrow, I hope you are also able to get to the board games! I played some board games with my friends yesterday. They own 200 board games. We played: The Bandits of Colt Express, Cryptid and Hanabi. Have you played any of them?

James

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

No you are not pushing me, the only person pushing me is my mum! Haha

It is not that I don't want to go to uni because of anxiety, it is just too far to go to and I am trying to save money as well. So it is a financial reason as opposed to a mental reason haha

There is a part of me that is somewhat, I say somewhat, happy for him. We used to be so alike the two of us. Then, when he got a girlfriend, he changed and became very ignorant about mental health. You just need perspective he said to me on my seventh admission into hospital. That is not what a supportive friend should say.

The assessment went well. It probably turns out I don't have autism but I may have symptoms of it though.

Hey James,

I am trying to resolve the issue but it probably looks like I am going to have to do it myself. I don't think Orygen are keen on the idea. I have never tried to start a Meetup group but I know the site well. I will definitely consider depending on what Orygen do.

No its okay, I do remember you said you disappear over weekends and thats fine with me 😊

It is the book by Gibbon. I read some of it at uni and enjoyed it. I like a lot of ancient history such as the Romans and the Greeks but I also like the medieval period as well.

I am going to try to go tonight. I am anxious as anything but I will try. 200?? That's incredible! I haven't actually heard of any of those board games actually.

[smallwolf]

Glad for you on the assessment. Can you tell me what that means? Will they check up you in the future? Or ???

On what your friend said.... "You need perspective". Huh? Don't you wish you could just flick a switch in your brain and everything would be normal.

With that said, we also need to be open to challenges. Do you still see a psychologist? If so, how is that going? Working well or ??? Do you get any homework from him/her? I get something different each time the session ends. These are things aimed at small improvements in my life. I see that you are going to try something different tonight. 🙂

On the thing you are trying to do at Orygen, is it something that you could start as a blog. Writing maybe for yourself, and then see who finds your blog? Or do that in addition to whatever you are try to do there or at Meetup?

Best of luck for tonight,

Tim

[james1]

Hey Aaron,

I thought I'd reply to what you said to Tim about your friend saying you need perspective because it's something that has been said to me as well.

I guess my thoughts around this are quite conflicted. For one, it's so easy to look at a problem with either hindsight or from afar, and say, "this is your problem. This is how you fix it." It is much harder to be living with that problem constantly and not only say, "this is my problem. this is how I will fix it," but also to then say, "and now I will fix it."

Mental health is really tough to deal with and it takes up basically all of our mental capacity to cope, leaving us with little to actually deal with the underlying difficulties.

But, on the flip side, it can be frustrating for the people around us. They can see the solution. They are telling us the solution. We are unable to make it work. So we get called lazy, narrow-minded, lacking perspective... blahblahblah.

The curve ball I'll throw in is that, yeah we are lacking perspective. We are absolutely caught in the moment, and more often than not, I think that is one of the hardest things we face: how do we get out of our own context that we live in, when we have not lived any other and are now conditioned/hard-wired to think and feel a particular way which feel 'true'?

As an example, if people leave me, my 'truth is that I've done something even if it's actually got nothing to do with me. It just feels right and I can even logically arrive at it. From what you've said, your 'truth' is that you are different to the rest, and that difference - whatever it is - is stopping you from forming relationships. Whether or not there is an actual objective truth out there, we all have our own subjective truths that are hard to break or disprove without evidence to the contrary.

I think that is what people mean by perspective - they are saying, "my truth is different to yours, please be open to my truth as well." Ironically, it is often said without perspective, i.e. without having listened to our perspective. So perhaps it's actually something that goes for everyone - the more we are able to listen to and try to understand each other's 'truths', the less trapped we'll feel in our current one.

Anyway, how was the board games night?

James