Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Hey you guys,

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I have had a significant drop in my mental health today. So I had the date and it went well. I thought we got on well and I know personally I had a good time. I gave it a couple of days and just sent a message to ask how work was going, you know just to start conversation before organising another date.

Its been three days and she hasn't responded.

It could be a number of reasons but the feelings of rejection, loneliness are here in full swing.

This could be the story of my life.

Am I really that boring?

God it hurts

[Azzdog]

I don't to sound demanding here so I apologise if I do.

But right now I am trying to work out what I have done wrong, or if I have done anything wrong. But why do I get seemingly rejected all the time where the conversations online go well and then it just abruptly stops? Or why are there really positive dates and then thats the last you will here from them?

What I am curious is to here what a woman's perspective is on this as I am having a really hard time trying to work out what I need to do better or what I am doing wrong. Plus the aforementioned questions are driving me insane.

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

Hi. Don't give up yet. I have friends that have taken a week to respond to a text message. The alternative is to wait a day or two and just call her? Maybe ask her out for a coffee? lunch? I understand why (from your previous posts) you would see this as rejection, but you have also come a long way from a few weeks ago. And will also meet new people at board games today?

Tim

[Azzdog]

Unfortunately she deleted me off Tinder. I don't have her number but I wouldn't call anyway now as I am sure this is a clear sign she is not interested. I'm frustrated because I thought it went well, it is all based on our own experiences and our interpretations can differ. Maybe she didn't feel comfortable but I certainly didn't get that vibe. She was laughing a lot. It doesn't make sense.

I will go to the board games group tonight. It will be the first time so it will be totally new people.

[james1]

hi Aaron,

Sorry to hear that. It really hurts being rejected, especially if we don't understand why.

You have asked (as you have before) what you've done wrong.

My only response is the same as before: why is the only explanation for her not replying that you did something wrong?

I feel like we can keep telling you that you have done nothing wrong, but only you can convince yourself that maybe there's an alternate explanation.

Some other reasons I can think of (and some which I have been rejected for) are:

- she wasn't in the mood to talk, then later couldn't be bothered

- someone else happened to be an even better match

- she realised she wasn't physically attracted, even though she had a great time

- she was too sick (chronic fatigue)

- I liked video games, and she didn't

- she forgot to reply, then was too embarrassed later

There's nothing I did wrong. It just wasn't a good match for whatever reason.

Perhaps you've done nothing wrong?

James

[james1]

i wanted to add...

There's one of those dumb movies...it had justin timberlake and cameron diaz as teachers.

anyway, there's a sweet kid and he tries to tell this other girl that he loves her through a poem in front of everyone. he gets horribly mocked and runs to a shed.

Cameron Diaz's character finds him and basically says, look, your chances are pretty low in high school. its not what girls are looking for right now. they want cool guys, not sweet natured guys. but stick to your guns, and your time will come.

its pretty corny, but i feel like saying the same thing to you: yeah, you are different to many people your age. And yeah, if you got the total number of women who would be attracted to you it'd probably be less than your average male stereotype out there. but you have other unique qualities that are not lost on everyone - clearly we think so, and others in the world would too if you met them.

the only thing you are doing wrong right now is beating yourself up about it. you said you are proud of your differences, so act proud of them. remind yourself that they are good things, and that you are doing nothing wrong.

and don't forget, when you go on a date, it's not just them judging you - it's also you judging them. take all dates as opportunities to find out what -you- are attracted to, and what -you- want.

[Azzdog]

Hey James,

It doesn't sound like a movie that I would watch haha but I do like the quote though. It does have a ring of truth to it.

Those reasons are plausible, some of them were ones I had thought of. I am trying not to beat myself up about it and try to be more objective about it. It is hard when you have never had that experience and you have never had a woman attracted to you, that I knew about at least.

I really don't think I did anything wrong. I was myself. What more can I do? All I can do is keep trying and eventually it will happen.

I do take your point about being different than your typical male stereotype. I totally agree with it. I may have mentioned it here but I do describe myself as an old soul and a straight edge. My generation are, generally, more concerned about drinking and partying when I am more content in finding a book about Roman history, which I did yesterday, and read that all night. I know who in those scenarios is enlightening themselves haha.

I am trying my best to remain proud and stand tall over what I stand for. It's clear that I am in a minority but being against the grain is cool to me. It shows independent thinking and willingness to look beyond the mainstream things others get up to. Being mainstream is really not cool, but thats just my point of view.

You like video games James? What do you play? I recently just finished Spider Man for the PS4. Quite honestly I wasn't expecting it to be that good, from a gameplay point of view, and making the characters seem very real and human (despite being endowed with super powers haha).

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

The new attitude you have is quite inspiring. And as you said, standing apart from the crowd is cool - or at least I think so. I think that James covered everything so no point in covering old ground.

A little while ago I mentioned to you about find groups around Uni. You said that most met monthly. I am aware that history departments have societies you might be interested in. Or philosophy. Might be something that caters to your interest in history? I am not trying to push you in any direction.

Hope your board games night is working out OK.

FWIW... I play LOTRO. Assume you know the game I am talking of.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I think so too. Being able to stand out from the crowd by being different is cool and interesting.

I haven't tried recently because my course is online funnily enough. So I often have no need to go to La Trobe as I tend to stay at home. As a side note I would prefer to go to uni as it gives my week some structure.

Oh yeah? That's cool, I don't normally play games on line but I used to play Kings of Chaos back in the day. Does anyone remember that one? haha

Aaron

P.S. I am thinking of becoming a spokesperson or an advocate for what I am going through. Mitch, some time back, suggested batyr which is a place for young people to talk about their own experiences to give others hope.

[james1]

Hey Aaron,

It's great that you are trying to challenge some more embedded thoughts. After all, we can't prove our history wrong without continually testing it.

haha. I think you and I are quite alike in many ways. I love Roman history. I have this book, In the Name of Rome, which I am trying to get through. It basically goes through a history of the key people who shaped the republic/empire, like Yoda, Anakin, Palpatine...I'm kidding. I just finished reading a bit about Germanicus. The book only covers the empire though, and is missing that huge chunk to do with the founding of the republic which I find more interesting. I'm also really interested in mythology in general. It's so fascinating how so many cultures have really similar myths, but then have their own unique spin.

I have never played any super hero games actually. I have basically played a lot of "Total War" games on PC, I love Nintendo games (I just bought a second hand Wii U and downloaded Super Mario 64), and I also love most old school RPGs like Neverwinter Nights and the newer Divinity series.

@Tim - I love most Lord of the Rings games (just because I love the stories) but I could never get into LOTRO. I think those kinds of World of Warcraft games just bore me with all the fetch quests.

James