Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[james1]

Hi Aaron,

I am not sure what to say except I am so sad to hear you feel like vermin. I am not sure how you have been treated, but it sounds like it has made you feel worthless and that is not good.

I do think that people would be accepting of you, but perhaps right now is not a good time to put yourself out there. As Hamsolo said, this is a negative spell and these spells do end, particularly once we focus on taking one small step at a time. There is no fix to wanting to die, but there is a fix for having no social interaction or not having a job. The more small things we work on, the closer we get to making the bigger issue a bit more manageable.

So I am glad that you made the decision to try and find friends who are better for you. That is super important - we need to surround ourselves with the right kinds of people for us. We can also try to do activities which are good for us, as you have been doing with your music and placement. Once you can get these bedded down, perhaps then it will be time to look at the other things.

But in the meantime, please do keep telling us what you are grappling with, as we also have felt many of the same feelings. Dying alone is a scary prospect and I understand how it can make us feel like "why bother?" You are certainly not alone in being afraid of that and I think all people, whether they have been in a relationship or not, can understand the sense of hopelessness that comes with being lonely.

It is a long process to get out of a negative rut, and I wish I could help in person. But I hope you can get something by posting here, and we will try to sit here with you as you work your way back.

James

James

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

In the space a couple of day things appeared to go from OK to BAD. I hope that you are in a better space now?

I know that from previous posts you have mentioned your friends. Are you able to talk to your friends about this sort of thing? Or not? I have remind myself these times will pass. Being able to talk to mum (over an hour last Friday) I am able to get a lift of sorts. And then I can fight on for the next day. It is not a instant fix.

How is your bucket list of ideas going? You were going to join a board games club etc. Even if those idea have been temporarily shelved for a bit that is OK. There are some things my psych wants me to do that is a bit hard to initiate within a 2 week time period, but will keep plugging away.

There are a few stories I wish there was space to tell. But whether these would help I do not know. Yet the one common theme in all of these stories comes back a point made in James' post. About starting on the little things, nourishing and feeding them, so that something bigger and brighter will come out.

We are all still here with you.

Tim

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron

You've got a number of replies here which is a good thing to see. People care about your situation and want to help. There is no reason to be feeling like you are a horrible human - clearly you aren't.

Hope you are okay atm mate.

Take care

[PamelaR]

Hi Azzdog

Focus on your prac!! Don't let all the negative spell drag you down. It's procrastination - taking you away from that which is challenging - the prac you have next week. It's scary I know. But you can do it.

Set aside a time after the prac to 'worry about' those other things that cause you such pain. No need to worry about them now.

Pam

[Azzdog]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for the lovely replies, it means a lot that you have all found the time to reply.

Placement has only been two days but its already been pretty intense. I don't have to take any classes yet but I will soon. Its weird being back in a high school. My old high school was a bit painful to get through and whenever I've have been back its brought back some tough memories. Being back at high school for my placement has brought back those memories, so there has been a new challenge I've had to deal with. One door opens and another closes haha.

I think it is important to note that I am talking to this woman who I was introduced to via a friend. We have only been talking online so far but it has been going well. We are yet to meet but it could be happening this Saturday.

To answer your question Tim, I don't think I can speak to them anymore about what I'm going through. I mean, I've been to hospital 7 times and they only listed once. They barely acknowledged it to be honest. I've known these guys for eleven years and thats not how good friends support each other. I would move heaven and earth for those two if they were going through some tricky times but they don't seem to pay mental health that much weight.

I have to put the boardgames group on hold for the time being. It's just not feasible right now with the little time I have available to me. I hope I will be able to do it eventually.

I am in a weird place right now, I feel a little better than the other day but I am dealing with new thoughts about my future. A big insecurity I have is incompetency and I am feeling that right now in my placement. I have no real idea that I can actually do this. Can I be a good teacher that gets along with my students? I don't want to be a pushover. I want to be someone the students respect and aspire to be. A good role model. I feel like its going to be really hard and I'm going to struggle a lot along the way. Its scary being in a school. I do feel like a lost sheep.

[james1]

Hey Aaron,

I thought I'd add a bit about being a role model to students. While I haven't been a formal teacher, I've been private tutoring for 11 years now since when I was about 15, I also was in a program to be a mentor for disadvantaged year 10 and 11 high school students, and tutored uni students later on. Then at work, I mentored some fresh graduates in their first year at work.

Throughout all this, I also felt insecure and wanted to be a good role model, but kept questioning how and whether I could be one.

I think by high school, most of the kids were more or less pushing for their independence and, as a role model, it felt (to me) to be much less hands on than when they were in primary. The people who do not like you, probably never will. They may even actively try to dislike you. This is nothing to do with you - either you are different personalities, or they just simply don't know how else to express their independence from authority figures.

So my only two bits of advice are, firstly, don't have any expectations about your teacher-class relationship, as it will almost totally depend on the students themselves. My friend is a little asian girl and she did her first placement in a disadvantaged boys school with many students from the pacific islands who were much taller than her. They made sure she knew she was the smallest, and she usually went home in tears. Her second placement was in a girls school and her year 7s made her cupcakes for her farewell. Quite different experiences, both with the same teacher with the same teaching style.

Secondly, try to find a good senior teacher to be your own mentor. Teaching can feel like quite an isolated thing you do - students may not pay attention, you have to mark on your own, you have to use your own judgement... a mentor who knows the gig would be really helpful when you are unsure or questioning yourself.

I personally found teaching to be really great. It has it's really defeating moments and there are times where I still feel like I did the wrong thing or missed on a really great opportunity. But then there were other times when I knew I'd made a difference.

I think as long as you keep an open mind, you can't go wrong 🙂 You won't get every student on your side, but each individual who does learn something from you, is one more achievement.

James

[HamSolo01]

Hey Azzdog (or Aaron haha)

Glad to hear from you. Going back to your old school for placement will be a bit weird I imagine. I guess the positive thing to keep in mind is that physical locations are only physical locations - you're ascribing meaning to the location because of your earlier experience. Geez that sounded really philosophical for a thursday morning haha.

I think my point is that these memories you have are just that.. memories.

I hope your saturday date/catch up/hang out call it what you will goes good. I had a date last night and it was good 🙂 Just keep doing what you're doing with regard to that one.

re: friends that crap is tough mate. I had to do similar but in the end you are better for it. No matter how long you've known someone, if they do something that breaches that trust or something that screws up the balance then it's either time to resolve it or move on. I had to do the latter with some people. This of course means you are narrowing down your friendship pool but i think that is just part of growing up in the universe.

It's okay to put stuff like the boardgame group on hold while you figure the rest of this stuff out. At least it remains an aim of yours yeh?

I guess placement is there so that you can deal with those worries you have about your teaching ability etc.

As James said, keep an open mind and you'll be okay I reckon. Mentoring is a good thing to look at too.

You sound like you are doing relatively alright mate. Take care

- Hamso out 🙂

[Azzdog]

I'm dead inside

[smallwolf]

Sorry to hear that you feel like that. it seems that the weekends are the worst for you?

Or do you work on the weekend as well?

I don't really watch much TV these days... No time. How about you? And my music is not played on radio.

You know that I work(ed) from home. This weekend I was cleaning out my old office space. Still not finished. Throwing out the old baggage. Makes for a good distraction also.

My psychologist wants me to take up painting. But I have the same problem as you... Time. But I will call someone this week about it. Why? Because I said to my psych that I would. And I want to get better. So I am wondering if you might find time to join that board games club... Or at least find out about it and talk to someone. A doctor (lecturer) said that 2 hours of intense study is worth 10 hours of fantasy study, that is with interruptions etc. Her point was in finding time and making the best use of our time. What do you think?

Sending comforting thoughts to you,

Tim

[HamSolo01]

What's up mate?