Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

There is something about guys like that is so fake and inauthentic. They go from these really shy guys into these incredibly arrogant people has always frustrated me. I have been to school with some of those guys like that.

I have just started my Masters of Secondary Teaching and I am going to concentrate on that for now. I have decided to put the dating stuff in the bin for now. My mood has dropped quite significantly again as there are so many triggers right now and I need as much energy as I possibly can to focus on my studies. Who knows? Through this degree I could meet someone but thats not my focus right now.

Haha seems like a good plan for you I hope everything goes well my man. It seems like you have been working really hard on yourself and thats really good to hear.

I what you mean. I personally wouldn't be able to do it as I would be putting myself into a vulnerable position where I have no idea who the other person is. They have a lot of experience in this area and I don't like being judged on that. Plus, money is important to me as I have a few bills coming up that I need to pay so priorities haha.

Does have Tinder and Bumble have that as an option for example? Just curious. I would imagine that would be particularly hard because thats a very vulnerable place to put yourself in that you could easily be taken advantage from.

That would have killed me if I'm honest. I don't understand why that happens. It's happened to me a lot and I get pretty frustrated over it.

Sorry if the message was short. I'm in a really bad place right now and I'm trying to expend my energy on the important stuff right now. But I get a lot out of this forum so that's why I'm responding.

[smallwolf]

Hi Again,

Are you doing your Masters by course work or research? Do you get the meet other students that are also doing a Masters degree? Do you get the bounce ideas off other students? Will you get to have lunch with other students and discuss stuff related to teaching? (Just random thoughts and questions)

How are you going with your list of ideas? You mentioned joining the club re board games etc.

How was the concert that you went to? Remember I was a week ahead in wishing you happy birthday.

Lastly, and I hope this is not a tough question for you... If so, feel free to report this post and it can be deleted. I was thinking about your comments re need to be loved. My question is this... Do you or can you accept or love the world as it is? With all of its imperfections! Keep the love flowing? You don't have to answer question if you do not want to. I have my own triggers, and I know this can be hard and can take years to turn around. But at least we might have some goal to work towards?

Tim

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron

Masters sounds awesome. I hope you enjoy it haha.

Overall, I think you've got a healthy attitude. In my 6 years of mental health experience I find that really does make the difference. I know it sounds like a cliche.

Focusing on that masters sounds like a great idea though mate. Good on you. I'll do similar once I start my TESOL.

Not sure re tinder and babble. I don't think it can. But I'd say just leave it. Do whatever you gotta do.

I know what you mean about vulnerability and judgement. I think that applies in all contexts. I think that's the true test tbh, not actually sex or anything related to it.

Today I spoke at a school again. It's funny how your true nature manifests itself under circumstances where it's required. I hope your stuff with orygen goes well too.

And of course sorry to hear about your struggles at the moment. Glad to hear you are putting effort into it.

Take care mate

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I am doing course work for my Masters. Unfortunately, the course is largely online but I am doing an intensive this week where I am at uni all day from Tuesday to Friday. I do meet the other students there but apart from that we really have no other contact with each other. I am planning on posting in the forum online about doing a study group for one of the subjects. The assignments are pretty full on and I don't want to struggle on my own haha.

The boardgame group had to be postponed until next week because this week was just too full on. I plan to go Monday 😊

The Bob Dylan concert was a disappointment actually. All the songs sounded the same, the classic tunes were changed so much they were unrecognisable, and Bob did not acknowledge the audience at all during the gig. I found that to be a bit rude to be honest. People pay their hard earned money to see a millionaire rockstar perform and he doesn't say thank you? Please. Paul McCartney had more class when I saw him last year.

It is not a triggering question at all! It's a tough one actually. I think on a broader scale, taking in politics and climate change, I cannot accept the world as it is. I do fear for the future and what future generations are going to inherit. It's up to the current generation to make this world as good as it can possibly be for the next one to improve on.

However, from a personal level. I can, and I say this relatively speaking, accept myself for where I am right now. It really depends on what mood I am in though. I cannot love where I am right now because I wish it were different. But somehow, on good days, I can accept it and push through all the tricky feelings that I am dealing with. It is very hard though and right now I am not in an accepting mood.

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

I am enjoying it to some degree. I am currently doing the intensives for this week and the assignments and coursework sounds really full on. I will be highly stressed for this semester haha 😬

It does a bit but you do need one to make any difference in your life. My experience with mental illness has been 11 years and I look back at the times I had a negative attitude it did me no good in the short term. However, I have never given up no matter how tough it has been. Which is weird but maybe it highlights this inner resolve I have which means I have some hope. I need to hold on to it though.

What is your TESOL? Sorry if that sounds ignorant haha I'm not sure what that is.

At any rate, I am leaving it right now. Those dating apps just promote false hope. You may have some luck but if you do you should go and buy a tatsloto ticket because that good luck ain't going to last for long haha.

Well it's lowering your guard to the point where all defences are down. It is perhaps the most vulnerable anyone can be, I think anyway. I would want it to be with someone I trust and care about. Not a stranger because there is something very fake about it. It's not genuine and tangible. Again, my old soul is popping its head out to visit again but that's just how I feel about it.

I have decided that I want to become an advocate for the stuff I have been through. I have sent in an application of interest for batyr and talked to the Youth Participation Coordinator at Orygen about spreading more awareness on body image and sexual health. I will increase the awareness about this issue, by hook or by crook, and no one will feel left behind on this issue anymore.

Yeah I'm not in a great place at the moment. There were a lot of triggers at uni such as people talking about relationships and the like. Do you reckon we as a society take the idea of relationships for granted? I have seen some promos for The Bachelor again and I can't believe this kind of tripe gets airplay. It is just vapid, vain nonsense that trivialises and makes relationships seem easy. All you have to do is live in a house with beautiful women and your dreams will come true. It is a slap in the face to everyone else, like me, who have had suicidal thoughts about not having a relationship and have spent time in a psych ward because of it. We will have a voice and we will have more support networks in place.

[HamSolo01]

I'm liking your approach about the 'old soul' kicking in haha. I think I agree. As I think about it more I agree with what you've said tbh. I guess this means we need to boost opportunities in the real world.

Apps are screwed up. False hope is definitely the reality. I matched yesterday and she sent me a message and I replied and nothing in reply. It's bloody hard. Real world it is. Meetup too. So much so that meetup is my option this weekend instead of other friends. The more I think about it the more I'm ready to move to a new world.

Thats what the tesol is. Teach English speakers of other languages. So basically I become an English teacher to second language speakers. Going to China next year for it.

I like your resolve and I agree. It's defs got you through the 11 years. I did a workshop yesterday with batyr at a school. Went really well. I think I'm beginning to see the effects of getting better. Keep it up mate, hope you can get somewhere with it.

Last night I went to a debate/discussion between Douglas Murray and Cornell West. Both public intellectuals in the UK and US. The questions fielded from the audience at the end were interesting and then one guy asked about incels. Cornell west made a really interesting point about the differences between immature celibacy and mature celibacy. The latter is choosing to forego sex which is meaningless. I think that's a really cool way to view it tbh. Immature celibacy is the simple expectation that sex is readily available - the viewpoint that the bachelor and shows like it are geared towards.

Having suicidal ideation on this topic is something I have exp with.

I would steer clear of thinking you've ended up in a psych ward due to what the media has said. Your mental health is your battle, yes it doesn't help that those messages are in the media. But at the same time remember it's just a bogus gimic designed to make you care about stuff which is personal.

I reckon positive messages about sex are crucial. It ought to be done without the association with readily available sex though. That's a gap in the current awareness around male suicide and depression. Don't even get me started on "toxic masculinity"

Take care bud

[Azzdog]

I think you've hit the nail on the head by saying that there is this perception that sex is readily available. It really isn't. We have all this movies, tv shows, and music suggesting that it is right outside our door when in reality, it is an incredibly hard thing for some to attain. It really is a fantasy for some but there is no one making these comments in the public space. I still believe as a society we take relationships for granted and that is a perception I want to change.

That sucks man. I hate that when that happens. And when it happens all the time it is a real blow to your self-esteem and self-image. I am starting to move to a new world I think. My friendship circle is changing at the moment as I have made some friends through the therapy groups I've participated in. My old friends don't understand how bad it is I'm going through. In fact, one of them didn't wish me a happy birthday the there day. That might seem a little vain but it isn't like him to forget. I don't care that much to be honest. I think it might be time to explore the new opportunities that I have right now.

Aha that makes sense. Sound like a rewarding job my man. Best of luck to you! China is a pretty full on place, trust me I've been there. But since your a westerner you will be really popular over there!

You saw a debate with Douglas Murray and Cornell West?? Lucky you! I would have loved to have seen that.

That's a good positive attitude to have. I don't take much interest in the media today. It's all bogus and fake. We need to start making more positive changes to our attitudes towards sex. It has an enormous, unaccounted for impact on young people who don't have what others take for granted. I think there is a gap in our attitudes toward male depression and mental illness overall. The old adage is that men can just power through it and get over it is disgraceful and I still feel it pops up in discourse between clients and therapists.

[Azzdog]

Oh god this is awful. why do women hate me so much? why am i not allowed to be loved or give love? its utter crap!!

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

Hi. Do you want to talk about it? (Or would you rather let it slide?) I am guessing that you were triggered by something.

But I also think you might want to re-read the post from Quercus above. It has some kind and thought provoking word. Reflect on it for a bit and maybe put some thoughts here?

I wonder though why you believe you are not allowed to be loved. I know you are yearning for a relationship. But when it comes to love, there are many forms and depending on who you talk to or read, the ancient Greeks have 8 forms whose meaning range from erotics, to friendship, to obsessive, to self love, and selfless love. So when you write "not allowed to be loved", when I interpret that statement, see it as dismissing all forms of love being allowed. And yet you write of your friends in previous posts.

This next bit is just as much for me as for you... I am a glass 1/2 empty guy. And I dismiss the positives. What I have to work on then are the positives that are actually in my life and celebrate those. If I can do that then hopefully the other things will fall into place. Very quickly, two of my issues are perfectionism and accepting uncertainty. My homework for my next session is to try to put into my situations allowing for imperfections and letting go of certainty. Again, try to fix what I can and the bits of the puzzle will start to come together. And if it does not work, I will keep trying. Because giving up means accepting the status quo. I do not want to be the way I currently am for the rest of my life. Do you?

Tim

Tim

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron.

What you said here I agree with: "It really is a fantasy for some but there is no one making these comments in the public space. I still believe as a society we take relationships for granted and that is a perception I want to change." You know I think the reason for this is an odd mix of stigma and prudishness. I'm very liberal on sex, but i think the conversation veers off into the expectation and assumption that it must be readily available. Just because something is spoken about to a great extent does not increase the prevalence of the thing itself right? I also think people are afraid of the backlash - you'd be labelled a prude, an incel or whatever. People are sensitive about these things, which is understandable - but assuming that everything comes from a place of judgement is also silly. Ahhhhh society xD

Also this, "My friendship circle is changing at the moment as I have made some friends through the therapy groups I've participated in. My old friends don't understand how bad it is I'm going through. In fact, one of them
didn't wish me a happy birthday the there day. That might seem a little vain but it isn't like him to forget. I don't care that much to be honest. I think it might be time to explore the new opportunities that I have right now."

Agreed 1000%. I'm going through a VERY similar phase. It happens as we get older and it is for the best.

I have had my issues with therapists in the past. It's trial and error. But generally I would agree. I think it's moronic to just try and power through it. That only works when you speak about it. In a proper, healthy environment conducive to improvement. That to me, is powering through - you power through your problems with the art of conversation, dialogue and discussion with a GOOD therapist. Someone who let's you speak - in the Fruedian tradition haha.

Have you found yourself a psych?