Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Hey Nat,

Thanks for getting back to me. I am relieved to hear that you are okay. I know what it's like to be triggered so I just wanted to check in to make sure that you were okay. I'm glad to hear it

Thank you for your kind words. It really means a lot to me. I think one problem, that I have mentioned here before, is that I am probably using the forums just to vent my frustrations. That doesn't really solve anything and can be misinterpreted, as it was yesterday. So, after some reflection, I am going to try harder not to vent here but rather use this place as a means of recovery, in addition to the therapy I am doing at Orygen. It's good to know that there is support here and that all of you take the time to read and reply to my messages. I am grateful for that and it means more than words can say.

I do believe that we can move on from this. It was just a misunderstanding that happens all the time on the internet. I just should have been more clear. I have looked at the thread for HamSolo. It looked very inspiring from what I remember. He seemed to start off in a similar position to me but with some hard work he was able to make some serious inroads and achievements. That does give me hope. I don't often feel hopeful but its nice to hear someone in position manage to get out of it through hard work. It shows that the hard work is ultimately worth it. I don't really have anyone in my life who is in a similar position to me, which is why I tried this forum out to begin with, just to find some reassurance that I am not alone and that it won't be like this forever.

I feel okay at the moment. I have a music group today at Orygen and I have a session with my psychologist as well. So I am going to be quite busy today. I have also got some homework to finish for a winter subject I'm doing and then my Masters starts next week! 😬 I'm pretty nervous as I will be doing placement but excited as well. I feel like that no matter what, these next 12 weeks I am going to have to do things outside of my comfort zone but I am definitely preparing myself mentally for. I think I will grow up a bit this semester and that can only be a good thing. It is going to be an interesting, exciting, anxiety provoking 12 weeks! 😂

[Azzdog]

Oh! I forgot to reply to one of your questions Nat.

I think you are right. I guess, and this is probably because I have autism so I tend to read social cues in the wrong way and misinterpret what people say, is that I tend to approach social situations in the wrong way. I am speaking broadly here which is why I haven't had much luck in making friends in general. I am an introvert, shy, and sometimes I don't look interested in the conversation that is happening. It's not that I am not interested, it's often I don't know what to say or I am reading body language wrong or I am misunderstood what someone has said. This goes for most people I've met in life, not just women.

I also don't tend to approach women at all. I've always been shy around women and I didn't much in common with the girls I went to school with, so I've taken this assumption with me my entire life, that the next girl I meet won't have anything in common with me (just like the ones in high school). Obvisouly, there are women out there I have somethings in common with its just that I haven't find my people yet and that is a source of frustration. The punk club idea I think is something to work towards for now, I don't think I'll jump back into it just yet. I do have some ideas though. I am planning on doing some cooking classes to learn some basic culinary skills and maybe to increase my social life along the way. I am also going to get back into boxing classes again to increase my physical fitness to help improve my self-esteem.

Aaron

[Doolhof]

Hi Aaron,

I want to congratulate you for the way you have handled this whole misunderstanding that has occurred. To me, you have bounced back stronger, more determined and more focused than ever.

Go back and read all of the positive things you have mentioned that you are going to be involved in! You are inspiring me Aaron to try harder and to do more to make my own life more worth while.

With all these activities you are going to be doing, I would like to ask if you would be prepared to just say "Hello. How are you today?" to one or two of the females you encounter. They may respond and they may not. If they don't it doesn't mean they don't like you, they may feel uncomfortable if anyone talks to them, not just you.

My husband has mild Asperger's so I understand in part the social situations that sometimes occur. There have been times when I cringe at some of the things he says! Ha. Ha. It does make me laugh at times as well. He does have friends who accept him for who he is and he is very set in his ways and what he believes to be true.

It does sound like you have lots of ideas and plans for the future! Best of luck with all of them.

I'd also like to say, please still feel welcome to share and vent here when you need to. I do!

All the best with the music group and the psychologist appointment.

Cheers to you Aaron, from Dools

[Azzdog]

Thanks Dools,

That means a lot to me. I have trying to push myself to be a better person and its nice to see its passing off to you as well. I think we both learnt a lot in the misunderstanding. I need to get better at being clearer when expressing my emotions and part of my psychological appointment was working with problem solving and learning to sit with tricky feelings. I think I'm getting better but its still a long way to go. But I have some important steps in theist few weeks.

I will try to do that. It's never easy to say hi to anyone, let alone females. I will try to be more objective if they were not to respond. They could be having a bad day, they have social anxiety themselves, or it could be a whole range of feelings. I tend to just think its me that they are rejecting.

Thank you! I hope so too. It all starts next week so I'll be sure to regularly update. I may need to vent if something comes up but hopefully things start to look up from here and it won't be so hard. We can live and dream haha

Aaron

[Azzdog]

I have a question for anyone who wishes to answer it.

I have always had an issue with consumer culture and advertising as it seems to judge things solely on appearance. As someone who has body dysmorphia, I really don't like things being on appearance because its impossible to determine a persons intrinsic quality from solely their appearance. I wonder if we continue down this path where materialism continues to be promoted will we, as humans, continue to lose a sense of patience with someone if they don't meet our ridiculous standards on appearance? A personality is what makes someone unique and special, and not meeting the Western ideals of beauty in which no one can really meet.

Does anyone have any thought on this at all?

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

My experience is that consumer culture and advertising represent only a small amount of what people really believe and are accepting of. For every person I have met that judges on appearance, unfairly, I have also met someone who completely doesn't.

E.g. I go shopping at my local iga sometimes dressed in normal clothes, sometimes dressed in my unicorn shirt, or my minion shirt, and in winter, sometimes in my sheep onesie. To be completely honest with you, nobody really cares. If anything, they tell me that they like me shirt or that they like my costume.

The big question though, is how do -we- feel about it?

Another example: I am Asian and, growing up, lived in a very non-Asian community which has, for better or worse, changed the types of people I'm attracted to. I have been subject to racism throughout my life, and a particularly sore point for people seems to be that I've dated non-Asian women. I absolutely do not meet Western standards and obviously never will. Yet for all the racism I have faced, I've also met with some incredibly kind and open minded people.

I think judgment based on appearance is absolutely a thing - I am judged because I look and am Chinese. For a male, that is like the absolute opposite of the Western ideal - tall, muscular, strong features. But I have also had so many good experiences with people that far outnumber the bad, that it just doesn't phase me anymore.

[Azzdog]

Hey James,

I’m sorry to hear that you have been subjected to racism. That makes very sad. But it’s great to hear that things like that don’t phase you anymore though. I hope I can use that as motivation to know that things can better.

For me, I seem to meet Western standards of beauty to some degree. I am tall and with broad shoulders and some in the past have said I’m good looking. Yet I can’t use this as reassurance that it will eventually happen to me. I’ve never had any experience of having a girlfriend so I guess I’m pretty confused from time to time. I often wonder what I’m missing because it seems like some guys, who seem uninteresting on the surface, have a girlfriend. I often wonder why this is the case and what it is about my personality that is offputting.

I know when people first meet me I’m not the extroverted person you’ll meet (I’m fairly awkward to say the least haha). But I feel all people, not just women, have too often judged me from the outset that I’m too much work to put into as I find it very hard to open up, even to my best friends. I am trying to be more objective about it and not make it all about me, but I wonder if living in a materialistic, western consumer culture has made us less patient and we want something, or someone, to entertain us from the get go.

Its true to say not everyone’s like this. The young people I’ve met through the groups at Orygen have been amazing to me and the groups are where I can truly be myself. I can be quite extroverted and witty given the opportunity. I just wish I could take this into life in general and apply it because I feel like I would get better results and have a more active social life. I just want to be accepted and feel like I’m a part of a group. Orygen is great and all but it’s not forever and discharge is slowly creeping up on me. It’s a bit scary at the moment to think about it but it’s. It for a few months yet.

[Azzdog]

I’m sorry if I’m burdening anyone. I have a lot on my mind at the moment and I feel like I’m really struggling on this issue at the moment. I’ve noticed my moods dropped a bit and I have seen some triggers a lot the past few days. Plus the weekend is toughest time of the week for me.

I guess my concern is what do I have to do to make myself seem more attractive to women? I feel like I have the interests but I cannot for the life of me think of how to find a way to express those to like minded individuals. That’s where I get really angry because all my friends seem to have that part worked out and I can’t seem to get it right

[smallwolf]

I am here Azzdog. Whats up?

[Azzdog]

I feel very lost and alone. I feel very rejected at the moment by women and every time I see people in a relationship I feel suicidal. I feel like I have a lot to offer someone but when I see guys I went to school with, who treated me poorly and have never had an intelligent thought in their lives, have girlfriends it makes you wonder what women want in a relationship? I wouldn't have a clue. I'm not extroverted or charismatic but I do have a sense of humour, I have a broad range of interests, I have a clear direction of where I want to go in life, I'm honest and respectful, and I would never treat them badly. So what is wrong with me? I do misinterpret social settings due to my autism but that can't be all it. Is it the way I look? I haven't looked in a mirror for months so I actually can't remember what I look like. Am I really that ugly and boring? Why have I been given this hand? I feel so dejected and pathetic right now you can't imagine. I want to go to hospital and stay there forever because at least then I will be safe.