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Sexless relationship.

BeniScott
Community Member

Hi all, so as the title suggests I'm currently in a sexless relationship.

So I (22m) and my partner (22f) have been together for close to four years now, and for the past 17 months we haven't been intimate once. By intimate I mean any all all forms or sex, including foreplay. I also receive very few forms of physical affection that I enjoy, to the extent of barely being hugged, kissed, or even holding hands.

Now my partner is fully aware that I'm very much not enjoying the lack of intimacy.

She had a very traumatic previous relationship where physical affection and intimacy was used as a punishment, manipulation and was sexually absued.

I had a very similar experience in my previous relationship as well so I can completely understand where she is comming form.

She is currently is seeing a counsler to assist with dealing with the trauma she suffered.

Just to be crystal clear, I know that she is faithfull, and wouldn't do anything like that and I DONT WANT TO LEAVE HER. It's just been a long four years of near neglect of my physical needs. I'm just looking for a bit of support.

4 Replies 4

That Other Guy
Community Member
OK, so where I'm coming from. My wife and I got married and had AMAZING sex, and then we had a child and it STOPPED. For about 10 years we had sex maybe once a month and she always said the same things

Don't kiss me, don't touch me
Aren't you done yet?
Do you feel better?

It was soul destroying. But, in hindsight, she had a traumatic birth, and she had post traumatic stress and post natal depression. So, in hindsight I blame myself that I was not more aware and supportive.

our sex life now is pretty much off the charts. Things got better with time. I absolutely advocate that if you love someone, you hang in there and work on it. It sounds like there's serious trauma at play in your situation but if the sex was good and died, something must have triggered that. So my main suggestion would be to tell her that you love her, you don't just use her for sex, the absence of sex doesn't make you consider anyone else. But, it does hurt you that you're not intimate (I would highlight that the lack of all affection is in play here, this happened to me although in my case I think I withdrew when sex ended), and suggest you also do couples counselling to talk together. Make clear you're offering her support to work through it, not just looking for someone to 'fix' her. I think you're saying all the right things. I think you'll get through this. I just think if you're more proactive than I was, you won't go through the decade of misery I did.

Nightalks
Community Member

I listened to this audio book. Changed my life in this area.

It's called Dead Bedroom Fix.

Only works for men.

Wont say more. You have experience it for yourself. If you really want things to change listen to all of it.

Good luck. You're not alone.

Denham123
Community Member
I married my husband d in 2014. Had sex for maybe one year and then it died. 9 years going, sex does not exist anymore in my marriage. I have endometriosis so it’s not the best situation to be in to have sex and on meds so it has Zeroed my libido. 3 weeks off my meds and I’m feeling sexual but husband is not bothered. I was literally trying him, chasing him without fruition. Then I told him I will just go back to my meds and will stay angry and bitter.  Think he prefers it this way.

Dear Denham123
 
Thank you for showing such courage in posting. it is great to know you feel safe to be able to share your experience here and we hope that you find the support you are looking for.
 
We are sorry to hear of your endometriosis which can be debilitating and from what you say, has had a huge impact upon the intimacy within your relationship. To be faced with rejection can also leave a dent in our level of self worth however remind yourself that it’s common for most couples to be on different pages some of the time when it comes to sex.  There is also the assumption we place on the intentions or effort of our partner; in terms of your husband for example, he may not have known how to be comfortable having gone so long without that intimacy, or maybe did not want to cause you any pain, knowing that you suffer from endometriosis.  Have you tried to talk to him, let him know how you saw the situation and also what it was that you needed at that time?  Good communication is everything.
 
In addition to the forums, please know we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
Thank you again for joining this community, we hope that you can join other conversations that resonate with you and read about other users and their journey to better mental health.
 
Kind Regards
 
Sophie M