Separating from my husband who is suffering major depression

[BrokenFamily]

My husband of eight years has been gradually becoming someone I don't like, and I wasn't aware that he was becoming more and more depressed as the years went by. For the last twelve months or more he has been extremely stressed over everything, especially the small things that most people would shrug off. He has been unable to be happy about anything and every time he spoke it was negative. Our seven year old son felt the effects of being in dads way or too loud or simply just present it felt like.

So the last week before I asked him to leave was bad. Constant fighting and playing the blame game. Then he became verbally abusive, attacking me at every opportunity and speaking to me as though he hated me. I made the decision to separate, at least temporarily so he could sort himself out. That's when he decided to tell me he thinks he's depressed. I should have recognised it myself, but I guess I was too close and didn't notice the progressive snowballing of his sadness.

He begged me to let him stay, promised he would get help, but I just can't live like this any longer. I feel like the only way he will actually get serious help is if I keep strong and separate. I know if he were to move back in we would just argue, and I would lose what little feeling I still have for him after years of manipulation and gloom.

But on the other hand I feel so bad for making him do this alone. He has been to an assessment and has an appointment to see a psychologist, it's only been a few days and he is doing all the right things, but struggling emotionally. He says he can't do it without me. But I can't help him because I don't want him around our son when he's like this. I want to stay apart until he has at least been on medication for a month if he needs it, I need to know he's serious about getting help and I need time to see he's capable of being happy on his own. He blames me for his unhappiness. 

I think I'm doing the right thing for my family, but I'm sure others may have a different opinion 🙂

[Pixie15]

Hi BF,

Thanks for sharing your story. I think I have some understanding of your situation. My partner who suffers depression and anxiety can be a difficult person. He only went to get help for his depression a few years back when I told him he either had to seek some help or I would leave him. It was very hard at first to hold my ground and make sure that he continued to seek treatment. He wont ever understand how difficult he was. Although I think now it would have been easier on both of us if I had been able to find a friendlier and kinder way of helping him.

From what you wrote in your first post it sounded like your partner only went to a doctor because you asked him to leave. I would say if your partner has somewhere safe to stay (hopefully with family or supportive friends) hold your ground for the month and let him back only if he is willing to commit to trying to treat you in a more respectful way. 

In the meantime it would help to find out all you can about depression. There is a lot of information on this site if you have a look at the resources. The more you know the easier it will become to discern where to draw the line. 

I would not go to couples counselling. I do not think that this is useful if your partner has some passive aggressive or manipulative patterns of behavior. I did CBT myself a couple of years ago and that helped me a lot. You might also consider counselling for yourself to process the last few years and find out some better ways of coping.

I hope you manage to keep your family together.

Grateful.