Seeking marriage advice
New to this site, but seeking advise. My husband and I met about 5 years ago. After a month we found out we were expecting a baby. When I told him, he was very excited.
Just before our son was 1, he proposed and decided to try for another child. We fell pregnant straight away and my husband got a job as FIFO. Things were great, and our second son was born.
About a year and half later, he wanted to finish FIFO and start working locally. I explained to him he couldn't just finish work straight away as we had no savings and my wage was not enough to support all of us. He then found work but as casual and decided to finish FIFO. As months went on, work began to slow down for him and he wasn't bringing much of a wage in, while both children were in daycare full time as I was working Monday-Friday. We were really struggling as my wage wasn't covering everything and he just kept spending money we didn't have as he applied for a overdraft account through the bank. We then received eviction letter and I had to ask my mum for money. About a month later he ran into some inheritance money of approx $15,000. I kept asking if he had the money yet and he kept saying no - I knew he did as I have access to his bank account. A week later he decided to tell me he had the money, he paid up to date for rent, and all the other bills we were behind in. For about 3 months he spent all of the $15,000 plus the $10,000 of his wage - with nothing to show for now. He turned mentally abusive towards me in the past 1-2 years and I've just put up with it because it's easier to deal with. I've tried to talk to him, explain how I'm feeling, I've left with our boys a few times but have came back to him, we have tried marriage counselloring but he wasn't interested in / nor put any input. I've tried speaking with his family, and they have no advice. His mum left his dad and brother when he was 2 years old, and his dad hasn't been the best role model either. His dad constantly puts him down, no positive feedback from him, or even helps financially. His constantly seeking his dads approval but doesn't get it. His close to his dad and calls him at least 5 times a week as he lives in another state.
I'm needing more support with our children as he doesn't help often and he gets cranky and makes me feel guilty when I have my own time which is not often
Im needing help on how to help him communicate and overcome his past As it's effecting our marriage. We're only 25 years old
Shell, first off, welcome to the forums, it is a great place to seek advice and thoughts from others. It is very caring and protective so again, welcome.
Certainly sounds as if you are doing it hard and personally, from what you have said, your partner needs to take more responsibility. You sound as if you are doing everything you can and you need help.
It is a huge concern that he was lying to you about the money and how he is being negative towards you. When you have left previously, how long was it for? Did he always think that you would come back?
It may be that you need to give him a wake up call, as in leave and don't come back for some time and you may have to prepare to never go back. Your children are your priority, they need you and the the obvious best outcome is for him to take it on board, become more responsible, get and maintain a decent job and settle with you.
If he is not prepared to do this, then as said, you may be looking at life without him.
Would he be prepared to go to the GP to discuss this? I know you have said that you have tried marriage counselling but a GP may give a different approach.
What support do you have in place? Have you got friends or family that can assist you?
While all of this is going on, it is really important that you take care of yourself the best you can. Make sure that you eat as best you can, try to lay off to stop drinking alcohol (if you do) and try to get some exercise in. This will help keep you mentally healthy and this journey you are on is going to be taxing.
Keen to hear back with the answers to the questions so we can try and narrow down what we can and cannot do.
Hi Shell and welcome,
Mark had made some great points and I hope you are able to seek some help. Do you have family close by at all? Where did you go when you left previously?
I'm concerned about the mental abuse. You say you put up with it because it is easier to deal with but over time this can leave you feeling worthless and no good,which you are not. You will become conditioned to this behaviour and he will walk all over you which is not a happy life. Sounds like he is treating you the way his dad treated him. How will he treat your children later on in life? This behaviour is not acceptable and i do hope it can be sorted sooner rather than later as it will become very draining for you. if he is displaying this sort of behaviour and has issues from his childhood, he may never change as he will be constantly seeking control and approval which he never received as a child. He needs to get this sorted or i agree with Mark, you may be facing a life without him. The fact that he hides info from you is a big concern, what else could he be hiding down the track.
I've been there done that. Sneaky, manipulative, abusive behaviour is hard to change especially if if cannot see that what he is doing is wrong.
great To see feedback! i definitely know he needs to take more responsibility as a husband and a dad. I've always had concerns with him lying to me, and I've always caught him out on little things like saying he didn't spend money on things, but I've read he did on his Facebook acc and when checking his bank acc. The first couple of times when I left it was for the day and he message all day making me feel bad, and that I'm over reacting. So I went back. The longest I've left for would be two nights, again him messaging making me feel bad and that I'm over reacting. That I can't take his children away from him
At the moment his job is stable and his boss is my cousin. Apparently his doing a great job and their is always work there for him and a 'bright future'.
When I left last I wrote him a letter explaining how I was feeling and that things needed to change. He had to let me look after the bank accounts and pay the bills. Also had to help more with the kids and start being a role model to them. Start treating me the way he would like his boys to grow up as treat their girlfriends / wife's. Since, I've looked after the accounts and have started to clear our debt. He keeps complaining we have no money and I explain that it's because I'm clearing the debt he put us in. I also explained the mentual abuse he is doing
On the weekend we had some drinks with my brother, his girlfriend and her sister and husband (A). My husband had a bit too much to drink and got really upset. I went out and spoke with him and he wouldn't talk to me, i explained that he needs to stop blocking me out on things and he said it's got nothing to do with me, I said I'm your wife and it's got everything to do with me. He then said its his past. Then (A) came out and spoke with him. (A) is about 40 years old, has common sense and has also had a not so good upbringing. He spoke with him openly and explained to him everyone already knows his a jerk and it's just easier to be one, and his dad wasn't a good role model.
I haven't asked about a GP visit, maybe this is something I can ask him - how can I ask him without him taking it the wrong way?
I definitely have a lot of family and friends that support me, I just find it hard to take the step of leaving without him making me feel I'm over reacting.
I hardly drink, and have joined a gym in the past month. I go after work and he also gets annoyed that I'm not home until 7pm (3 nights a week) - I have the kids with me too!
thank you for your comment!
i normally go to either my mums or my brothers. I don't tell my mum Or brother much, I mainly talk with one of my friends and my brothers girlfriend. We also have a family friend that I talk to and he also agrees that he needs to change. After I spoke with our family friend once, he called my husband and talked some sense into him. Changed a little, but nothing permanent.
I know about the mental abuse part - hence posting on here for more support options. I'm needing things to change soon, as I don't want my kids thinking this is okay, and how to treat their girlfriends / wife's when they are older.
There are times when he will go fix his car, or boat on the weekend, and I am at home with the kids. He goes for most of the day, and then there has been times when I've asked if I can go to the movies with my pregnant friend.. he has said do whatever and has got grumpy and ignored me. When I go, I get messages like what's for dinner, when will you be home etc.. I get home from 2-3 hours of being at the movies with a pregnant friend!! It's not like I'm going out to the pub or anything. I'll get home and the house is turned upside down, he hasn't picked the toys up or hasn't cleaned the dishs from dinner. So I stay up and clean and then go to bed, if I leave things it never gets done. I've tried that before.
He seriously thinks there is nothing wrong with our marriage even when I am bawling my eyes out asking him if he enjoys making me upset.
Theres good times and then there's times like the above. His never once hit me or yelled at me, he doesn't drink often or do drugs. Sometimes i think the grass isn't greener on the other side and I'm lucky.
Shell, i have to say that, aside from hubby not opening up, things actually look pretty good. That is awesome that you have control of the bank accounts and you are looking after yourself.
Clearly something is holding back hubby - is your mates hubby (A) able to work with him on getting him to open up? This is probably the best way to open up the dialogue about the GP. If (A) is as switched on as you think he is, he maybe able to recommend a GP visit to start the process of working out his demons from his youth.
I think you are doing an awesome job and are as tough as they come. Definitely on the right path that is for sure.
This sounds very similar to what my husband & I went through, but I'm afraid it went on so long before I got some understanding/answers of the underlying issues - that our marriage probably can't be saved...
After my first session with my current psychologist, she suggested my husband has Narcissistic Personal Disorder. I kind of dismissed her at first, thought she was being extreme, I defended my hubby, maybe I was just in denial. But the more we discussed it, and the more I research the disorder, the more it made sense.
I hope this is not the case for you, but I'm just suggesting you look into it. Because if this is the problem - maybe he has a lot of traits but isn't a full blown narcissist yet! You might be able to address it early enough to stop it destroying your lives.
Just by simply researching the disorder online, I gained a lot more understanding and I was able to see why my husband had started treating me so badly. I've come to learn that his actions are out of my control - it's up to him to seek help in dealing with his past so that he can change the way he subconsciously reacts to life.
My daughter was the reason I had to leave the marriage (we called it a "trial separation" to make it easier, but it's been a year with no improvement in regards to the emotional abuse towards me) - I couldn't allow her to grow up thinking it's ok for a man to speak to his wife that way. So I understand how you must be feeling in regards to your concerns of the impact on your kids.
I truly believed love would conquer anything, and we had so much love. I refuse to give up on him, but I think he's given up on himself in the way he now denies any responsibility for what awful things he says or how he acts towards me - and he does not hold back in front of our 3 year old daughter, at all. It is heartbreaking to see her witness his rage, all I can do is scoop her up and run so as not to escalate things.
We didn't have any problems until we had a baby - then our roles changed and our income changed and he gradually became vile.
I see some similarities in your story. I just hope your marriage can be saved! I was far too "patient" and had faith that my husband would take action sooner - but now I know he was choosing to block it all out, instead of dealing with/correcting any issues.
You can only keep trying to help him but if he keeps on rejecting it and won't go to his doctor's then there isn't much you can do but decide whether or not to leave, but you have to remember if you do leave he will keep asking you to return, he needs this security, but with this, means that he has to accept that he does need help, it's impossible for you to go back to him if he doesn't get help, because it will just keep going around in circles.
You have to look after yourself as well as your sons, they need a stable mum or mum/dad.
Can I please suggest that you go and visit your doctor, because you have been through so much. Geoff.