Seeing escorts behind my back

[Diamond_Dust]

I have recently discovered that my trusted partner of 10 years has been messaging escorts for the past 8 months. He tells me that he paid deposits but never went through with it and met in person. He has however, admitted to seeing a erotic  masseuse a few times but claims that he couldn’t get an erection so he just left. Do I believe him?…. No…..

We have both decided that we want to work on our relationship and that there is too much to just walk away from. 
My question is, how can I ever trust him again and does anyone ever really move past this? Particularly given he travels to a major city for his work on a weekly basis, which is where these things took place. 

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's hard when someone you trusted breaks that trust, especially after so many years together.

As a result, it certainly makes sense you're struggling to know if you can believe him or move forward.

Rebuilding trust after such a betrayal takes time, openness, and a lot of work from both of you... it's okay to feel unsure and to have doubts.

Couples do sometimes find a way through this, but it often requires professional help, like counselling to work through the emotions and challenges.

What I can say is that you deserve to feel safe and valued in your relationship, and it's okay to take your time figuring out what that looks like for you.

[Happylife]

Hi Diamond_Dust,

Welcome to the forums. I am truly and really sorry about hearing the situation you are in with no fault of yours. Any lie from your partner whether big or small can change your sense of security and lead to trust issues. These doubts are completely normal, but it is also important to get all the answers you need to move forward.

Glad to know you both have decided to work on your relationship. Trust can be rebuilt but is not a very simple process, it takes time and effort from both sides. Also, seeking professional help or couple's therapy can facilitate productive communication and tools for working through.

Is there a possibility at your partner's workplace where he can travel less and spend more time with you?

Also, you can pay attention and observe if your partner makes any changes to become more trustworthy. It's a work in progress and as far as possible try to focus on the future although it may seem hard at the moment. 

It's ultimately a matter of choice for you. What's done is done, you and your partner can now focus on how you approach the relationship going forward and possibly you can come out of this experience even stronger.

Please take care of yourself.

I really hope that things work out for you both and you are able to regain your trust...

Take care and warm hugs

Happylife

[therising]

Hi Diamond_Dust

Firstly, you're an incredible partner. When life long partners imagine 'For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health' etc, some don't or can't imagine the worst. They don't or can't imagine the challenges that come with incredible financial stress or a lack of richness in life (in a soulful sense). And while they may imagine 'I'll see my partner through any physical health challenges', they may not consider mental health challenges. There are definitely things that will test our commitment. They'll also test our nature and our ability to move forward. Your commitment to finding the best way forward says a lot about you.

My heart truly goes out to you, with your partner having made his choices your problem in so many ways. So heartbreaking and so incredibly challenging for you. I suppose one of the most important questions to ask could be 'Is my partner a naturally self serving person (something I'm just now waking up to) or is he someone who's genuinely struggling to find some sense of joy and excitement in life?'. If it's the first, if it's in his nature to be self serving, it can be hard to lead someone to change such a nature. Sounds a bit harsh but the next question could be 'If he wants to change his ways, is such a self serving person worth my time and effort and can I ever trust someone with such a nature (to not continue serving themself)?'. If it's the second, the next question could be 'Is he dealing with a genuinely depressing lack of a sense of joy and excitement in life?'. In no way whatsoever am I making excuses for his actions (no way, not at all), simply wondering about mental health factors.

For some people, pays to ask what a crisis of identity can be about. 'Who am I, really? What's led me to feel the way I do? What would lead me to feel happier or feel more energy in life?'. So much to wonder about. A basic amount of wonder can be highly constructive but when a sense of wonder becomes more than basic, it can pose major problems. 'I wonder whether I'll feel more excitement if I hook up with an escort or a 'happy ending' masseuse, while in a monogamous relationship. I wonder how I'll manage to pay the bills, pay for my children's education and buy that red convertible. It'll be right, I'll buy the car and worry about that other stuff later'. Wondering whether the next visit to the casino will pay off or maybe the next, when it comes to that big win, has led people to lose their family home. Next level wonder can be highly destructive in some cases and can cause a lot of heartbreak for a lot of people.

I believe a sense of wonder can take 2 very different paths, a dark, depressing and/or stressful path of sufferance or a brilliant path of illumination, joy, excitement and positive growth. If your partner does happen to be struggling with depression, you could say he chose the dark path. A more illuminating one could have sounded like 'I wonder how I can bring more brilliance, more joy, more excitement and positive growth to the relationship I share with my partner. I wonder how I can serve them'. For some, it's absolutely no reflection on their partner when it comes to a more exciting life in the bedroom area, for example. Sometimes it can simply be about some new excitement seeking facet of them coming to life or a deep and depressing need to bring that part of them back to life. The challenge, in this case, is to seek new and exciting ways ahead with the person they're committed to while conscious, thoughtful and exciting growth takes place together (taking the relationship to a whole new level).