Secrets to long term marrage please- Couple in 40s

[Tonyl]

Hi everyone,

we are all in strange times, leaves us questioning a lot about life. I have been married for 13 years now, together for 14, we are in our 40s now. we run a business together and have two kids 11,10 who we adore.

I am the one in the relationship keeping the spark going etc or at least try. A few years ago my wife pulled me aside and told me that I needed to put more effort in, which I do every day now. I am a gentleman, I wake up in the mornings with a smile on my face, I make an effort to look good etc. I buy her flowers treat her really well , tell her how beautiful she is , take her out for dinner when we can.

Ever since this happened my wife has done the opposite. She never tries, never makes a effort to dress up , never wants me in bed. I try to encourage her to wear lingerie , but she never does, it gets frustrating.

she is in her 40s I'm not sure if its just life doing the wind down of her hormones/sex drive. but she is not getting turned on. She wont talk about it, if I do bring it up and say anything she rolls her eyes or shuts me down.

On top of all this her mood swings are nasty at times. I have to remind myself that its not me its her and secretly tell the kids to just to give her space for a few days. I never argue or nit pick her wrong doings I forgive and forget. however I am the king target for her arguments over the smallest issues and always forced to be the fault of the issues for no reason.

i vowed to never give up and keep trying, however lately I fell like giving up all together. I started looking for a exit options for the future , even threw a few cloths in a bag in case things got too bad- god I hope I never get to that stage.

I lay there in tears late at night some nights (very manly of me) - I know a lot of what I said is classified as normal in relationships

what I want to know is what is the secret to keeping your marriage going long term?

[Tonyl]

I do see the red flags , however I do not think she is cheating on me yet etc. we run a business together we are around each other all the time at work. I did scoop at her phone the other day the first time I have ever looked. There is nothing unless she deletes it.
I do see she does have bits of pent up anger toward me , and bitterness underneath. Little comments here and there I hear. I guess that is just wear and tear of any long term marriage . I guess with my wife she would snap at me make me feel terrible about stuff bring up the smallest stuff from years ago. Where with myself I say nothing about any issues that come along , her faults etc. I try to just forget it move on .
I live every day as it comes now. Try to make the most of every day.

today I woke up we exercise together with the kids , I was on a high I felt great , wrote a short message left it on her dresser just to let her know how much I appreciate her and love her. When i saw her she never said anything.

I guess I wear my heart on my sleeve . Hence why I keep trying. I don’t want my marriage to fail but it is fading away, I feel helpless sometimes. As a man you suck it up, wait for a quiet moment and then let the better get you and cry. I’m not giving up

[Rex007]

Hi Tonyl
I know exactly how you feel. My wife of 17 years has been treating me the same way. She makes snide comments occasionally and says things that I'm sure is meant to get a reaction out of me. But I've learnt when to speak up and when to keep quiet. I wish I could say that she was hiding things from me but she isn't. She keeps all her friends in plain sight as if to make me jealous and relegates me to last place vehind them.
But this doesn't help you. I'm still working on an answer but my plan is this. I am going to start doing more things for me. I'm taking up a hobby that I've always wanted to do that gets me out of the house. I'll even take the kids out to spend time with them. I'm also doing more exercise so that I look good and feel great. And hopefully by doing all this and not reacting to her all the time you'll be happier. And with any luck she might just notice me and want to be a part of that. Because I love my family and the only other option is to break it up.
I can tell that you are a great guy and you need to do something that will make you happy. If nothing else it will something interesting to talk about.
I feel for you and wish you all the best.

[therising]

Hi Tonyl

Have you ever sat down with your wife for the purpose of a deeply revealing discussion? Asking her to thoughtfully (not thoughtlessly) reveal the reasons for why she treats you the way she does might help shed some light on the way forward. Such a discussion can definitely be fearful, while we can fear that which we don't want to hear. Asking her what triggers her and why it triggers her will either give you answers or (if she's not even aware herself) will leave you with a response such as 'I don't know'. If the response is 'I don't know', she needs to seriously manage looking deeper, either on her own or with the help of some counseling. This could involve counseling for herself or some relationship counseling. Not knowing why she behaves this way is not fair on the both of you, especially you, seeing you're putting in so much effort and it's still causing you pain. You don't deserve to be looking forward to pain in your relationship. You deserve to be looking forward to answers and greater direction.

Now, being a female, I know some of the typical female responses to inquirey and one of them (I confess to using myself in the past) is 'I'm fine' or 'Everything's fine'. 'Fine', for me, is somewhere in between good and bad, which implies not entirely good. If a partner uses the word 'fine', it's best to insist 'Fine is not good enough. I insist we work on making things good or great'. Just my opinion.

Tony, if you're in a relationship venting your pain through tears, you deserve better. Consider venting through constructive words that challenge your wife to be constructive herself. At the moment, things sound more destructive than constructive. Personally, it's taken me years to construct a clear and fearless channel of communication with my husband of over 18 years. I suppose what led me to be fearless was the realisation that I was losing myself in favour of settling for less than what I deserved. Again, you deserve better. You deserve answers and positive direction. You deserve to maintain a happy self, with much to look forward to. The gradual loss of our natural happy self is indeed painful.

🙂