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How Can I Hold on When The World Turned its back on Me?

Community Member
Why do I feel like this world is against me? Why can't I finally be happy? I gave tried to stay strong as long as I could and just more keeps breaking the surface of water. I am a 26year old mother to one 6 year old, I escaped a domestic violence relationship with her father. It took a lot of strength to leave and when i did i had a lot of confidence issues, trust issues ect.
I thought being in such a toxic relationship I could never love again, i was scared because all I knew was toxic.. what if I became the toxic one?
I met a man, a man who loves me and my child, helped me crawl out of the pitch of darkness no matter how hard it was and how much bumps were on that road. I live in Australia, he lives in one state and I live in a different, we met 3 times before completing falling for each other. We have been together for 2 years now.

Last year we planned for him to move here... his work got in the way, changed for Feb this year... i had to move house since I had to get closer to school as my child is disabled and requires a specific school, then changed to April... BORDERS CLOSE BECAUSE OF COVID19. Can't self isolate 24 days in this state of his annual leave would be used confined to a room... then not enough annual for when hes back at home to isolate... pushed it off until October.
I havnt felt his touch for a whole year, I haven't felt same and warm in a year. I dont remember what it feels like to be kissed or cared for... how big are his hands, did his musta he tickle when we kissed?
Now what... i can't cope anymore.. i have no strength .. ive lost hope . Hope kept failing me. Please world ... please stop..please let me be Selfish and ask for Happiness.
4 Replies 4

Hi ICanOnlyHope,
  Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, we're so glad you decided to join us here. We're so sorry to hear how much you're struggling at the moment. We empathise with how difficult it is to be away from your partner. Please know that our community is here to support you and we will get through this.  If you feel it might be useful, we'd encourage you to visit our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. The website will be regularly updated with information, advice and strategies to help you manage your wellbeing and mental health during this time. This includes a 24/7 Support Service.

It’s important to get accurate information from credible sources. We source information about Coronavirus from: 
We would strongly urge if you're feeling overwhelming, that you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Many of our members are in similar situations and will be able to empathise with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this tough period.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

Beforr I address your post specifically - a short story.

I once had a job where I’d drive 100,000km a year. It was impossible not to get the odd speeding fine for 5kph over. Each time I’d get upset and blame myself.

Then I realised I was being hard on myself. So I began to accept that life and speeding fines for a few km over was unfair so I accepted that a couple of fines a year was ok.

When I did receive a fine in the mail I was no longer upset.

Your situation reminded me of that transformation. Perhaps life has been easy for a few generations and now suddenly reality steps in and we all realise life is tough- real tough.

I don’t think you are to blame for your sadness of the situation you find yourself in being apart from your relationship. Circumstances beyond your control.

If you look hard enough there is positives in every negative. What could possibly be the positives in your situation? Well- you nor your partner have Covid, for example. That one day you will be together. That we live in an age of video calls when 30 years ago that was a pipe dream.

This pandemic has hit us all hard, but there is a silver lining- absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I hope that helps. Keep chatting if you want to reply.


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi ICanOnlyHope, the toxic relationship you have escaped from takes a great of planning, will I or won't I leave today, maybe tomorrow might be better, but there is no better time than the present, so to speak, which you have had the courage to do and that requires strength, so well done.

I appreciate how much you want to cuddled and kissed by your new partner of 2 years and that's really understandable, not only for you but also your 6 year old who would treasure the different atmosphere.

The 18 months for stage 4 restrictions don't include if there is a vaccine found, and I'm positive one will be and has to pass parliament, imagine how profitable the company will become once they do.

We would love to hear back from you because our aim is to make sure our family and friends are kept safe and well and only increases the love for those we are unable to hug, that time will come, one way or another, but only demands the connection we want, love does grow stronger.

Take care.


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear ICanOnlyHope

Hello and welcome. It's good you found us here and decided to post. We are a friendly bunch and can try to help and support you.

I want to echo TonyWK comments about finding positives. Never as satisfactory as being reunited with your partner but still offering a way to carry on. You are living near your child's school and you have a home. The universe may appear to be out to get you but it's not really so. It's by no means your fault either. The advent of COVID has changed our world so dramatically that I wonder if it will ever return to the place we call normal. Certainly I expect to be able to move around freely in, hopefully, the not too distant future.

I can appreciate your longing to be with your partner. To be a family. Because I am an older person with a major medical condition I am at a higher risk of getting infected which means a higher risk of death. During the past few months I have been unable to be with my grandchildren and most of my children other than by Zoom etc. Not quite the same. Skype etc is good to talk to your partner but not the same as being physically with him.

There's not a lot I can say to change your circumstances. It's brutal being alone knowing your partner is in the same country but unable to be with him. I share your frustration. I imagine your previous experience in an abusive relationship has coloured your world and thoughts. I want to congratulate you on leaving that situation. Not an easy move I think and one that has impinged on your resilience. It's great that you know your partner loves you and wants to be with you. Sometimes all we can do is to hang on to this knowledge and anchor yourself there secure in the knowledge that you will be together in the future.

In the meantime you are lonely. What do you do? Do you have a job? Going to work and being involved there can be helpful. At the least it gives you something to take your mind off missing your partner. If you are not working can you find a regular routine for yourself? I have found this helpful. While your child is at school can you find a volunteer role or have a hobby etc. These things can really help to keep us on an even keel.

Posting here can also help and perhaps keeping a journal of your day and thoughts. Hang in there and post here when you need to.