Sad and alone

[girlinmelbourne]

I've literally had enough with my husband's behaviour. My grandfather is dying in hospital interstate and when my husband dropped me off at the airport all he had to say was for me to stop acting grumpy because everyone dies. last night we had another small issue which I tried to help find a solution for but instead he started calling me a liar and this and that and went completely off the rails at me. He kept saying awful things on purpose to make me angry. In the end I told him I've had enough of his temper tantrums and that I'm not going to sit back and take this behaviour from him. He basically said he doesn't care and to stay away if I don't like it because he's not going to change. I'm so upset. I need my husbands support at this difficult time but he just doesn't care. I don't want to divorce him but I can't keep living like this my whole life. I don't have any other friends and I've had the most difficult year with all sorts of things happening. My psychologist once suggested to him that he needs to have anger management and marriage counselling which he says ok I will go their faces but afterwards goes angry at me because I made him look bad to them. He also has been going out with his friends for most nights the last 3 months. I tried to ask him to come home at least a couple times a week so we can at least have a meal together. He just got angry and said he's not giving up his friends and he doesn't want to be stuck with me all the time. He's currently ignoring me and I don't know what to do. I've got no one to turn to except him and he won't speak to me.

[Timeout]

I am sorry you are feeling like this and this is happening to you, I can tell that you love him so much and he is your world. I wish I had some advice or a way to help but I’m new and not very good and riteing and spelling.

may be something has changed for him or something has happened and he need some help, I know you are trying and what he is doing is not fair.

hope you two Work it out and he sees how lucky he is before it’s to late.

[Starwolf]

Hi Girlinmelbourne, welcome to the forums.

Going through difficult times is hard enough as it is. The last thing you need is insensitivity from those around you. It is sad that you should be treated so unfairly at this time.

Obviously, your husband has his own unacknowledged issues but -by the sound of it- he is not ready to confront them. It takes 2 people to work out problems within a relationship. But you cannot force/entice him to share the responsibility if he is not ready for it.

So please take good care of yourself. You are the priority. I'd suggest you do not hesitate to seek extra counseling for yourself to help ease you over this rough patch. You will also need to do a bit of soul searching re your expectations for the future. Writing down your thoughts, feelings and concerns without censuring any of it does help clarify your position.

You say that you don't have any other friends but...true friends would never treat you in such off-hand manner. Don't you think you deserve much better than this ?

Have you checked Relationships Australia ?

Meanwhile, navigating the forums will reassure you that you are far from alone. Quite a few of us are/have been struggling with relationships issues. You will be heard and supported every step of the way.

[girlinmelbourne]

Thanks for your thoughts Timeout.

Starwolf, I do t know that he has any unacknowledged issues as such. He comes from a culture where lots of men act like this towards women and I think this behaviour has rubbed off on him. He may have even seen men act like this to women when he was growing up and thought it was normal. I got him to stop ignoring me today and I told him we need to address his temper issues but he only said it's my fault and I cause him to be angry so I should expect that this is how he behaves.

I feel like my life is a complete failure at the moment. I feel like I rushed into a marriage and now I'm too emotionally invested to get out of it. I just wish he could act like an adult and talk out our problems but I don't think he'll ever change and I'm sick of being called lazy, crazy or a liar. Sometimes, because of my mental health issues, he goes all out to label me as a crazy person, like what I'm doing or saying is totally absurd. I know I can't make him change but I sure wish I could have the happy marriage I always dreamed of.

[Starwolf]

Thank you for sharing more insight into this difficult situation.

Cultural differences within an intimate relationship can be hard to reconcile. We all make questionable decisions at times. There is often no way to tell what exactly will come of a situation before being in it. Your marriage is obviously a cause of distress for you. What you choose to do about it is of course entirely your call. As mentioned before, counseling (for yourself if your husband will not attend) would help you clarify your thoughts and feelings. The big question here is -if you believe your husband will never change- can you settle for more of the same ? Would it be an acceptable future for you and children if any ? Can this ever be the happy marriage you've dreamed of and so much deserve ?