Welcome to the forums ☺️ I’m very sorry that you’re feeling this level of distress. Jealousy can be a tricky emotion to deal with because it often doesn’t align with logic or our values. It sounds like you’re being very proactive in figuring this out, which is admirable. I was wondering if you’d be willing to talk it over with a psychologist? They’d be able to help you find some insight into what you’re feeling and where it’s coming from. Also, they can help you to develop skills that will reduce the ruminating you’re experiencing.
Having an issue go around and round in your head without relief is exhausting and can feel like it’ll never end. I want to encourage you to try to be compassionate towards yourself- you are human and this doesn’t sound like something you’re causing to happen. Your willingness to find answers shows that you’re doing your best. Please don’t give up.