Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

[LosingFaith]

Hi guys,

I am in need of some advice.

I am 40 yrs old with lots of medical problems. I have a 16 yr old still living at home, 2 cats and 1 dog. I have been in a long distance relationship now for almost 2 years. I currently rent a property which is going on the market and I don’t really want to stay here.

I’m not working but I’m currently studying to better myself.
My 16 yr old doesn’t like my partner and has major anxiety/anger issues that I am trying to cope with.

I want to move interstate to be with my girlfriend, to have a better life etc, but my daughter won’t allow me to. She says if I move interstate she wont come and she’ll take the animals and either live with her dad or older sister. She also refuses to go to school, she doesn’t have any friends, she won’t leave the house unless she really has to etc. She constantly argues with me, tells me to leave my partner and to find someone else. We currently see a psychologist for her issues but she thinks she doesn’t need to.

I miss my girlfriend, my daughter won’t cooperate with me, I don’t have a mum to talk to, my nan and Aunty have their own issues and my eldest daughter just doesn’t understand.

With everything going on, my mental health has deteriorated. I’m not coping very well at all.

Do you think I’m being selfish for wanting to move in with/move closer to my partner?

[Croix]

Dear LosingFaith~

I read your other thread:

Forums / Relationship and family issues / Long distance relationship - sending and reviving gifts.

and think taken together with the above you have two problems to try to deal with - not one.

While of course I do not know all the facts on the face of it your girlfriend appears lukewarm about your realtionship. Admittedly long distance relationships can be hard for practical reasons, however one of the bigger dangers is that with limited communications it can be very easy for one person to read more into it and depend upon it more than the other.

To up stakes and move, particularly with you daughter's opposition seems to me a great risk, unless the relationship is a sound one, with both parties caring for the other and being sensitive to their needs. Even if Valentine's day does not have much meaning a gift is a gift, and should be treated with gratitude and appreciation, not relegated to some sort of vague task to be done sometime.

Now, the reason for this post. You daughter is opposed to your moving and being with your GF. As she has had a family breakup already this is hardly surprising, visions of her being abandoned in your affections must play a part, as may a genuine dislike of your GF whom she may see as a threat.

As she already has anxiety issues the uncertainties involved - together with having to move which may in itself present problems, seems to me to present matters of concern both for you and your girlfriend too. If you were to get together it is not a matter of just the two of you , she would be entering into an existing family situation with its own problems she would have to not only cope with , but have to try to assist long-term.

Can I suggest you have a serious talk wiht your GF and see what the possibilities are of her joining you, and her ideas of how she will interact with your daughter? After all you are in some ways entrusting your daughter to her.

I'd really like it if you came back and talked more about this difficult problem

Croix

[LosingFaith]

Hi Croix,

Firstly, thank you for your reply.

So, I will just give you a quick rundown on our situation.
My girlfriend told me in the very beginning that she’d never live here in my town or state. She doesn’t like it. I accepted that.
She has serious mental health issues but currently in a good place at the moment.
When we are together, we have something really amazing. I do feel the love she has for me. About 6 weeks ago, she drove 9+ hours to come and see me, pick me up, drove 9+ hours back to her place - for me to stay 2 nights, then drove me all the way back home again. She stayed here with me for a couple of days before heading back home.
As I said, we do have something pretty special.

We had broken up for about a month- September last year, due to extended family interferences.
We then both missed each other too much and decided to give our relationship another go. So, we did.
It has been going pretty strong since. Apart from the odd issues that were unavoidable, such as the fires blocking roads etc.

My gf is not really big on social media/ technology and would rather us communicate via mail. I told her I can’t do that all the time. I’d like to wish her a goodnight every night, or whatever and that sending regular mail will take so much longer. She did see my point. Now, after the issues with her not picking up the parcel I sent, had made me glad I chose not to send regular mail.

With the moving situation, I can see where you’re coming from. Yes, my daughter does see my gf as a threat and I think she thinks she’ll lose me. My gf wants me and my kids to move down there with her. (My eldest daughter has recently moved out with her partner and their 6months old son, so is kind of irrelevant.) But... She said for her to be able to cope with the possible stresses, she needs to be near her family to help her cope. I can understand that, considering she has mental health issues herself.

With saying that, my daughter is happy to move, but she doesn’t want to move Interstate.
I have suggested that we take some time out and go on a mini holiday to see if she likes it, but she won’t even do that.

As our current rental is going on the market, and I can’t really afford the bond for a new place etc, my only option may be to move-in with my gf. I do want to move there eventually anyhow.

We might be lucky and be able to stay here for a while, but having an open house every weekend or so Is going to be rough. I don’t think I’ll cope for too long.

[Guest_1584]

Hi.

Just wondering , so your relationship is a gay relationship then or ? lf so then l think you'd be missing many other things your daughter might also be having trouble with , not to mention an interstate move would also be taking her away from family too right , and her dad to right. Not sure why your not seeing the whole picture from a 16yr olds point of view that must've already gone through a lot with her dad and you nit being together.

Just thoughts .

[Croix]

Dear LosingFaith~

I hate to say this but your girlfriend does appear somewhat casual in the relationship. True she has driven to pick you up, and in the isolation of a few days together things seemed pretty excellent, however when it comes to the little things that are important they do not seem to be a priority for her.

Similarly the large imortant thngs, such as your daughter's welfare, seem to escape her attention. At 16 with an existing anxiety condition I'm sure she is going to be exceedingly sensitive to her relationship with you and to the actions and views of her peers in a new location, not to mention to a ss relationship.

These sensitivities cannot really be ignored.

When one has kids one is a 'package deal', it has to be that way. And as a result any prospective partner has to extend themselves further than normal.

I'm sorry if I sound negative, The desire to love and be loved can be overwhelming, and sometimes one might lose perspective.

If your GF has mental health issues is there any way she can get the support she needs while coming to a place acceptable to your daughter? Come to that how does she get on with her? If there has not been that much contact then deliberately trying to get to know her might help

Croix

[LosingFaith]

Hi Randomx,

Thank you for your reply.

Yes, I was/am in a same sex relationship. Recent events have really tested my patients. There’s so much more involved now since I posted the original post and it’s really getting me down.

My daughter is fine with me being in a same sex relationship. She really just doesn’t like my girlfriend.

[LosingFaith]

Hi again Croix,

Thank you again for your reply.

Recent events have put me new in a new situation. My ex/girlfriend (unsure of status) Has basically told me that I have to make the decision now to move there or not. If I don’t, she’s going to end our relationship.
The thing is, there’s so much more involved.
There’s too much to get into via text now and I’m hoping I can get into counselling, sooner rather than later.

Thanks again for your help.

cheers

[Croix]

Dear LosingFaith~

I guess a lot is how something is said, if for example a person is in deep distress and pleads for you to join them, maybe going over the top a bit that is one thing.

If on the other hand they simply had out an ultimatum to get their own way it shows something else, basically a self centered and un-loving character.

May I ask which you think this might be? If the former can you handle such extremes of emotion, if the latter do you wish to be with that sort of person?

Yes counseling may make things clearer and have you more able to cope with the compulsory moving and all the rest as well as the relationship.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

[Guest_1584]

Hi lf.

l'd be more inclined to say she she's more so just trying to cope on the inside and not liking hr is a tell tale . But l think regardless , the pressure your feeling and under, and it almost feeling like emotional blackmail from your partner , is all screaming just bad move all round to me sorry. And yeah l agree too def' be a great idea to have a good chat to thee counselor .

Good luck anyway.

[geoff]

Hello LosingFaith, and apologise for not getting back to you and pleased Croix and RX have been talking with you.

You know sometimes it may seem to be easier to drive 9 hours, rather than pick up a parcel you have sent, sounds strange, but in the car she is alone, music playing where she can react to however she is feeling without anyone making adverse remarks back to her, it's her peace, even though she may have mental issues.

Long distance relationship doesn't always survive 24/7 contact, simply because communication is different when you have to live with it all the time as all the small intricacies that have been hidden, finally come out.

If you do move over then the problem with your daughter may worsen, so it's a catch-22 situation and you're in the middle where neither your GF nor your daughter wants to accept what you actually want.

Best wishes.

Geoff.