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relationship issues because I am a complicated person, and my boyfriend has had enough.

Community Member

Hi. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 7 months. We both love each other very much. He is my first serious boyfriend, and he claims I am the first girl he has loved. Were both in our mid twenties.

The problem is that with my boyfriend ( and parents in the past!), I have an anger management issue. Whenever I feel anger/resentment with him, I yell. I raise my voice, because otherwise I don't feel heard. I feel horrible about this, and really want to change. This does not occur with other people. It has only happened with my boyfriend, parents, and my closest friend.

Another problem is that I am bad at hiding it if I do not like something. Since I have never had large friend groups and always kept to myself growing up, I may be lacking social exposure (I did have some close individual friends, though). The times I have gone out partying with my boyfriend and his friends, and I was intoxicated, I said it very clearly if I did not like something, to my boyfriend, in everyone's presence. As a result, 2 of his friends have a very bad opinion of me, and warned them for me - without knowing me. They claim that I am too dominant and could hurt him.

He told me this in an argument, when he felt angry. It was horrible to hear that some if the people who know him think I am a bad influence for him and that I would hurt him. I know that I have yelling issues, as well as a strong personality (and therefore cannot hide it if I don't like something easily), but I am definitely not a spiteful or mean person. I have always seen myself as a sweet and loving, kind person. However, I feel like my worst sides have been exposed since having had my first boyfriend. I am not as easygoing and adapting as some people may be, but I never had bad intentions.

After my boyfriend told me this in a fight, I have been feeling confused about who I am as a person. I doubt myself now, and think maybe subconsciously am doing it on purpose. But, I have no intention of other people to dislike me, and definitely not my boyfriend.

Ive always felt like Im different than other people. I was always the one to take the blame for family issues, because of my "strong" personality. My parents have treated me horribly as a child and teenager and because of this I have been depressed from 16 y/o onwards with 0 self esteem. Luckily, I met my 2 best friends who appreciated me, as well as good psychotherapist, and developed a reasonably confident personality as I matured.

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

Well, you have a lot of insight which means you have a head start in fixing your issues.

Your BF's mates have formed a virw based on your outburst in front of them, those bridges are damaged so their repair could take a long time. Better to focus now just on your close relationships.

Sometimes while growing up we can miss out on social etiquette. For example, at a party you are angry at your BF. The better act is a/wait till the party is over begore discussion or b/ ask him to talk alone with you.

That way you wont embarrass him, others wont form bad opinions of you and you might settle things better alone when you ask for clarity.

Always give someone a chance to answer your accusations.

Anger management courses are available

You need one because your methods like yelling are programmed within you. Your life will always be miserable if you dont address this problem. Yes, your childhood can be to blame, for sure, but its the future that we have to focus on, the past is gone. Part of being an adult is to do something about it...and good on you for acknowledging it.

If you are proactive in seeking help, your BF if he sees effort should support you in the process. If not then the damage is done. Some bridges are not repairable.

Good luck.

You can also read the first post of this thread-use google

Beyondblue Topic relationship strife, the peace pipe

Tony WK

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Whitechocolate, and thanks for posting your comment.

If you yell at him that still doesn't mean you don't love him, for me, it was just the look from my wife that told a million words.

A problem could be that he starts to build up his own way of showing his resentment and to keep from becoming one himself but then blame you for putting too much pressure on the relationship.

Taking the blame as a child is not a good foundation to build on, it's sad this has happened and eventually you will learn how to control this, but you may need help with a counsellor.

The other concern is that you've done this while being intoxicated and some people can change to become the opposite to what they're really like, so can I ask you a question, does this happen at other times?

If you want to talk about alcohol please let me know.