Relationship break up. Am I an abuser? Feeling confused.

[itsagamble]

I don't know what I want from this. I think its just a place to air my feelings and gain perspective.

I have been suffering from stress over not being paid by work and bills and rent getting ahead of me. THe past couple of weeks I have expressed frustration with various things by swearing unnecessarily for instance when I receive another bill, or another message from work demanding more while I still remain unpaid. Anyway, last week on Tuesday (today is thursday week 2) I was at my partners house sitting with her on the couch. She was studying for a jo interview and I was reading my emails. I received a rude email from my property manager and swore under my breath (f'ing c). My partner asked if I wanted to talk about something and I said no babe, its ok. A few minutes later she said she was going to my home to get her jacket for the job interview and could I cook dinner, which I said yeah sure. Not long after she phoned and said I had made her feel unsafe and asked that she be alone tonight so I said OK and left. 

When I arrived home she had not only taken her jacket but also all of her belongings that she normally leaves here. I messaged her and asked whats up, why have you taken your stuff and apologised for making her feel unsafe. She then followed up with a tirade saying she didnt have to explain herself, she had been in DV situations before and she shouldnt have to make an excuse to leave her home so she could feel safe asking me to go. Now, I am not and was not aggressive at all, I simply swore. 

I went to call her to talk and she had blocked me.  Sent an apology the next morning and she basically said 'not good enough etc'" so i gave her some space that day. That night she blocked me on instagram. I saw that and quickly sent her another lengthier apology explaining I understood how I hurt her etc. Still not good enough so I sent a further one along with an explanation of things I had done for her, defending myself in that I didnt see it as a big thing. She said she was done with the conversation so I left  her be Thursday, Friday and on Friday night she posted photos on facebook which I commented on, along with 12 others. She 'loved' all of their comments, but intentioanlly left mine unliked which was upsetting. 

Next morning I attempted a more in depth apology, she thanked me for my heartfelt apology but it wasnt enough as she was hurt by some of the things I had said. 

[Guest_1584]

Afraid l mostly agree with above.

You were right about her drinking and who wouldn't swear at a few bills and especially going through the financial frustration you are atm , and it was even under your breath, can't ask for much more than that. You need support atm not to be expected to be some kind of a saint under the circumstances.ps, l swear at bills all the time my partner laughs- or agrees with me.

She has a lot of crap, a whole lot, and she admits it's effected past relationships and it's all over the way she's been acting and drinking too. lt's a real shame for you both she won't get some help. l think l'd try giving her a bit of time myself, a wk or two , and stop apologizing you actually haven't even really done anything much anyway going on what you describe. lt sounds more about her than you and it sounds like she's gonna need to do a lot of work and get some good help before she'll be able to hold any relationship tbh.

Anyway l hope things start improving.

rx

[itsagamble]

It’s been over a month now. After 2 weeks I sent her a message to say I had found a new job and would be stable again. She went to the police and they called me saying she wanted space. It’s so devastating when I didn’t do anything wrong. I still want her back and to help her with her issues. It’s so hard. 

[ecomama]

Dear itsagamble, 

I've read back on your thread and I'm so sorry I didn't see your reply to me alot earlier. 

I really hate being right sometimes. It would have been wonderful to read that you contacted her and she'd settled down, you guys worked things out and happily ever after....

This didn't happen. 

She took it into the "next realm" immediately. 

Please do not contact her again. Once she's contacted the Police, as I was afraid she might do, then they have notes on you and her. 
This could so easily end up in Court the next time you attempt to contact or see her in ANY way at all. 

I know you're suffering right now and it's so heartbreaking to see this >>> "I still want her back and to help her with her issues. It’s so hard."

It really IS so hard. I'm sorry she did this and I'm sorry she's reacted the way she has, to me it's ridiculous but that's me. 

Please know you CAN'T help her in any way. 
You can only help YOURSELF from now on. Going No Contact and staying that way will help you all the way. 

Pursuing her will make you look like an abusive personality type to Police, Courts the lot. 

Please respect her expressed wishes to stay away but respect yourself MORE. 

There's a lovely lady waiting to meet a person JUST like you. 
Hugs, 
EM

[itsagamble]

I already sent her a letter apologising for what I said and that I am giving her space so she can feel safe and that I see how she felt unsafe and I understand why what I did upset her (even though everyone has told me it was nothing and she has over reacted in a major way). I finished by saying Ill keep giving her space and I’d love to see her again and talk when she’s ready. She’s away on a trip we had planned together 
so I know she hasn’t got it yet. I’ll see what happens in a week or so but I know not to keep contact I’ve been there before trying to fix things and it ends badly. I don’t understand people. I feel like giving up on everything. It’s so unfair. This has happened 3 times now in 4 years. 

[itsagamble]

I just called her number and hung up after a few rings as was just checking to see if it was her. Was socked she had unblocked me. 

She then sent a message within a few minutes saying Please leave me alone Im in New Zealand and our relationship is over and I never want to hear from you again and I will get a restraining order if you keep contacting me.

Now I'm scared about the letter

[itsagamble]

Mainly for ecomamma, as she seems to know the territory.

This is what I wrote (paraphrased for space)

- Hi beautiful, I hope you're well.

I know you wont see this until you're back form your trip etc etc I hope it went well and I wish I could have gone etc. I still regret things I said to you, it was in reaction to me feeling rejected and that you didnt care after hearing you were on tinder straight away, I was very upset but shouldnt have said thiose things and understand your need for space, particularly if you though that may continue. 

I see that my irratable moods made you feel uncomfortable and I reacted with language you you would have felt unsafe or unsure if may escalate. I ignored that becasue I was upset you would think I could hurt you that way, especailly as you had always said- kind, you felt safe etc. I've never been aggressive in any situation with a partner before and didint see why youd feel that way. Felt like you were dimissing my attempts. Can ssee thst not providing what you needed would cause friustration. Understood the way I expressed concern for your coping was taken as criticism but wasnt meant that way, simply care for your well being. You always had a beautiful nature which I love about you and was trying to show I care. Wish we could have spoken instead of texting etc. 

Anyway, new job etc etc I have stability again and in a healthier space and mindset. 

Would love to see you again soon when you feel ready. 

I miss you, your smile and the joy you bring to a room and to my life - hope to see you soon.

Understand why you need space to feel safe, giving you that, simply trying to make effort where I failed before. I know you need to feel safe and assure you can trust me to provide that as I did troughout our relationship 

[itsagamble]

I always showed you kindness and will leave you in peace. I hope that I have contributed in some way to break a cycle of abuse and while it may never be witnessed by me I hope that my kindness to you has a ripple effect.

I take solace in the fact I was one of the few who treated you with the love and  kindness you deserved long prior to meeting me.

Love always.

[ecomama]

Dear itsagamble, gosh my fingers aren't typing well after reading your posts. 

I'm scared for you. 

So sorry for this but indeed I know this territory FAR too well, inside out and all the way round. Not only from my own personal experiences too many times over but for the experiences of many others, as I was in a closed Facebook group for years (as I was battling through many Courts). This group supported victims of abuse. 

I can see the sincerity and love in your words, IDK if you're an abuser because I don't know you. 

But I DO know how Police and Courts see this things - ANY form of contacted, attempted or successful is seen as you still trying to make contact. 
After you were told directly by Police NOT to contact her. 

The Police have told her to UNBLOCK you... they told me the same but I refused to.
I literally could not stand one more anything! But my situation was life endangering for not only me but all my kids too. 
The Police tell this to potential victims, so they can gather evidence of your continued attempts. 

It was not out of LOVE or HOPE for making things better. 
It was to gather evidence against you. 
ANY contact will be noted as harassment. 

Just FYI... abusive personality types will NOT let go. 
They trespass over clearly stated boundaries without a care for anything but to get to their victims. 
Their main objective is to maintain control over their victims. 

Please don't appear this way. 

Look up the 180 strategy and Gray Rock technique. Protect yourself by redirecting your attention away from her at all times. 
I know I sound stern but this situation is very dangerous for you.
It can change the Course of the rest of your life and forever. 
Don't let this happen. 

EM

[itsagamble]

Yeah I'm a bit worried too as to what she'll do when she gets the letter. Hopefully she will read it and either say thanks or realise I will stay away and leave it at that. Yesterday I proactively contacted the police officer that she spoke to before to let them know what has happened, that as they hadn't told me not to contact her, just that she wanted space,  I gave it a month before reaching out with the letter and call, and told them her response. I know calling was dumb but I just wondered if I was still blocked and as soon as I knew I wasn't I hung up. I've been watching and reading alot about fearful avoidants and apparently they block when angry or pressured and unblock when they've calmed down and then are open to contact. This has been her behaviour toward me in the past so I figured it may be the same. Its also why I wrote the letter addressing her feelings rather than begging and apologising again.

Hopefully she'll be happily enjoying her friend's wedding today (that I was supposed to attend with her) and hopefully she reads the letter when she gets home next week and does nothing, realising it is a peace offering in a sense and that I mean her no harm. I do hope she reads it and doesn't just throw it away because the message is quite clear and a better more meaningful response than what she got before. In saying that, given her history she may well over-react again and think I'm going to stalk her, which I'm not.

I have deleted her number now so there's no temptation to call and I'm actually beginning to talk to people on dating apps myself which is helping (don't think I'll date for a while though, she broke me big time). If she ever contacts me as others have said she may (when she realises I was good for her / compares new partners against me) I may chat about things, but I doubt she will after yesterday's threat and I'm not living in hope that she does.  

[ecomama]

Dear itsagamble, 

Yes you know I was thinking of your letter after I wrote my post (driving about with the kids etc) and I wanted to say it seemed to me to be a very sincere, loving letter and in normal circumstances any of your reaching out attempts could be seen as same. 
Very loving and sincere! 

It feels unfair these things happen. 
It is unfair. 

Other people do the damage and we cop the consequences of it all. 

I'm glad you contacted the Police for clarification, well done you. 
That was a courageous step to take and I commend you for it. 

I didn't want to scare you BUT at the same time.... ya know.. there's a fine line and with some people who are unstable / still reacting in the post abusive relationship realm... you could cop it. 

Through really no fault of yours. 

I'm sorry you feel broken by her. Hugs. It was sad to read this too. It's not fair. 

What WOULD be fair and just would be if you found an awesome lady one day when you're ready, later on... not pushing lol. 

I hope you and the kids are doing well. 

EM