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relationship break up, afraid of being alone, and lonely

Community Member

Hi new to this so not sure how it works

i have just gone through a tough few years. first living apart from my wife and kids in different countries, then moved to be with them, then the marriage break up earlier this year after 18 years. Got in a new relationship which happen quicker than expected, then few months in, got dumped, for no reason and it was all has been going so well.

This is my first really reach out for help, i should have asked a long time ago as i have been struggling internally with myself for so long, with feeling useless and alone and scared to ask for help.

My story: being new to my location, i have only work colleagues as friends and most are typically younger and not in the same situation as me. as i have kids 50% of the time I dont get out and also dont like partying to much, and the school parents know the ex better due to her being here longer.

i guess the dumping today has raised a lot of issues that have been simmering for some time. the lost of my marriage, which i probably didnt deal properly. The lonelness of living away, the worry of life, taking so long to get a job in the new location, the feeling of not feeling good about myself, the I want to hide when i finish work in my house, I also over think things and convince myself of something when sometimes nothings there. Ive go up and down depending on whats happening.

i ran and ran when living away, to keep my mind off things, though i am run out now.

i do things with people but generally very early in weekend so when its over i have to face the rest of the weekend alone. i am liked (i think) but generally dont do things with others. though i am t scared to ask fo rejection.

sorry this is a brain dump, and have been crying all day and have realised i need help and support. i cant do this. i know all this may sound silly and hopefully the right place to start.

i dont want to be alone. i dont feel i, strong enough though but i need to learn to be for my two beautiful kids. I need to get out and meet friends.

what should i do.

11 Replies 11

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi there, John - I'm new to this as well. Your story reads very similar to what I have just experienced over the past 2 years, as well. My marriage broke down and I entered into another relationship too soon. It ended when he texted me that he had been seeing someone else for the last few weeks during our 'relationship'. As it turned out, I was in a relationship all on my own!

I don't know about you, but I felt as though this relationship I was in for only 2 months had more of a devastating impact when it ended than my marriage did. I think that's because I knew my marriage of 6 years (we'd been together for 14, since I was 16) was ending. It had been for so long, and this guy knew all of that. Supported me through it, built me back up only to destroy me again.

I find it hard to meet people because everyone at work is much older than me. I'm naturally shy and don't like going out much. I suffer from crippling loneliness at times. I will often just sit there and cry until I physically cannot any more. Do you have any pets? I know that sounds strange, but I thought seeing as you don't have your children with you 100% of the time, it may help. I don't have kids, but I have 2 dogs and a cat and they have been the reason I keep going on many, many occasions.

Something else I've found really helpful, is talking to people online. During the day at work is all fine, because you are surrounded by activity and people - it's distracting. But, just like you said, it's when it's quiet that you the loneliness smothers you. I liken it to a waterboarding, it's painful. I've only just started on here a couple of days ago, but I talk to people over instagram a fair bit. Total strangers, from all over the world. Not about my anxiety or depression, but just anything. That's the wonderful thing about the internet, there is always someone online, awake, doing something, at any time of the day.

I think it's amazing that you managed to relocate and find a new job - that's a triumph to be celebrated! I also think this is a safe space, and you never need to apologise here. You're amongst friends. And I think you can do this life-thing 🙂 because it sounds like you've already done so many positive things, even though I know you don't feel that way. Stay on track...you've got this 😄

Liv x

Community Member
Wow both of your stories sound so much like mine.... I was married for 20 years, my partner left me for a younger model. A few years later I started dating a beautiful man, and still am but I often wonder if it was too soon for both of us as our relationship isnt going anywhere. I too suffer from crippling loneliness and dont know how to deal with it. LIke you say Liv its fine at work but when you get home and open the front door and you know its you and only you till you go back to work tomorrow life just seems so pointless and the tears start. Even on a weekend its not uncommon for me to cry all day while I am doing my household chores. Im hoping this forum might be a great means of human contact for me, maybe it would help you too John to just chat to people online like Liv says. Then one doesnt feel so alone and isolated.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I feel like there's comfort in knowing that you're not the only one. I try to be more positive, and be a good person. I don't want to revel in the misfortune of others, ever. But still, when hearing that this kind of thing happens to other people as well, there's some relief there, I feel. It's not me that causes this behaviour, it is indeed their personality.

I'm keen to 'hang around' on here now, too. So if either of you are on for a chat, it'd be great to hear from you 🙂

My husband wanted to be with his ex-girlfriend from high school. I found some messages between them where he said he'd always felt sad about why they didn't work out. We had been together for 14 years at that point. I took from that, that I wasn't good enough. I'd given him everything for so long, and he was still obsessing over someone he'd been with for 3 months 19 years ago. I used to think if I understood the reason for this, I'd feel better. I don't.

Community Member
Hi Liv, and John... we have kinda hijacked your post John. I find it helps to know you arent the only one that feels like this. There is nothing wrong with us it's just called being human and having feelings. What we have to do is find ways of dealing with it that can help alleviate the loneliness when it hits us. I'm keen to chat on here to as then I don't feel so alone

Community Member
Hi John,
We all go through some difficulties in different ways. If you need someone to talk to you can reach me on Skype : Four Ears. We can talk as long as you want see you there

hi everyone

sorry. i went home for the weekend across the ditch to see family. i needed a big hug from the family

its good but sad to hear there are others out there feeling the same. the good thing i guess is we are sharing. a good first step.

i talked to my brother, which has always been hard including crying in front of him, as i am the oldest and always been looked up to, and they all think im confident etc etc (more a mask). So starting was hard . but as i shared he shared as well. I was great to lower barriers with him and not feel like i need to be something im not and to express myself.

i hoping i can do that here a little too, talk, listen and learn. ask questions and find me. and if that helps others too, thats awesome.

i like the idea about a dog, as i was toying with that.

lets keep talking, im keen. im learning crying is ok. until now i havent cried in so long. though i want to get to a point im not. Time.

need to do that work thing now, talk again

Hi Liv

your last post, yes try and stay positive, thats what i am trying to do as well and is important. Im so glad you have joined the post. Your words are nice to hear and make sense and is helping and comforting : D though never tried instagram.

i know how you feel about giving yourself for so long. Remember that makes you a nice person. Its nice to hear people like that exist and is obivous from your post you are.

i'm going to try something tonight I havent done for along time, and see how it goes. Ive also going to try something new and out of my comfort zone, which terrifies me, but i need to do. Booked it, so need to do it.

I am forcing myself to do something, esp when i dont have my two children to meet new interesting people outside of work. im assuming if i can sty busy it will distract me. This is scaring me, i used to be so confident.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Johnboy,

It is important, but if you can't be positive at times don't feel like you've failed. I understand, I think, how hard that would have been for you to open up to your younger sibling. As the eldest (I am of 3) we're expected to have all the answers and keep it together. I think it's important for them, and for you, to be human and show that fragility if you're feeling it.

Ha, I'm not suggesting Instagram be a form of therapy, or substitute for human interaction! But, I personally found it to be a safe way to ease into social interaction again (even though it's virtual). And as I said, there's always someone online. I also find the pages I follow (mostly baby animals :-D) to be uplifting when I'm feeling bleh.

That is fantastic to read that you are trying something new! I hope you can let us know how you went. I know it's easy for me to say, but don't be scared. Confidence is a state, not a genetic trait. You'll get that feeling back and it sounds like you're taking some concrete steps to do so. There's a quote I love by Neale Donald Walsch, and I feel it suits your post:

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. So if you're feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending". I love that. I know it feels hard starting over, but what an amazing thing it is to be given a second chance at something 🙂

All the best,

Liv x

Community Member


this weeks gone ok(ish) but still feeling down in the quiet spells, i know i cant be up all the time. I started something again a sport which is helped, and had my kids this weekend so that has helped. I dont know what to do next weekend, when i dont have them, it sort of scares me. that empty feeling inside, scrunching up my insides. hopefully this gets better with time.

the girl i broke up with, we had a chat finally. i like you a lot but its not you but me but speech, she needs to focus on my kids etc. I know she isnt right for me, and i had doubts, and a lot of worry during that relationship, but its still hard to forget the short time we had together. Im not clinging on to her, I know its over and is the best thing for both of us and wouldnt go back. The other hard part is we see each other each day at work which makes it that little bit harder.

I feel like i call my family all the time over the years, I wish they would call me more than the once a year I might get from them, so i feel wanted and loved. People are supportive around me, mainly work colleagues which is nice, though afraid to call up to chat to much outside of work.

this year is wearing me out and feel lonely.