Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[CMF]

She needs to be happy within herself before she can be happy in a relationship.  We all do. I was happy, in a good place before M. Being with him started to make me sad and negative. Not being able to see what a future with him looked like made me frustrated.  I told him when we split before he came along I was in a good place.  I didn't need a man. So it angers me that we got together & he didn't treat me the way I deserved. He took me for granted & put me back in not a good place which is where I am now. I've gone backwards & he's to blame. You can't fix her happiness rx. She needs to be happy first.

[randomxx]

Ahh cm , that's really sad to hear. We fight many battles in heart and in life to get arrive back to where you were before meeting back up with him, l'm really sorry to hear that.

Her stuffs been going on yrs, long before l came along it runs through her family and mother but then she also went through everything she did just before me and through another 31/2 yrs of it with me. But l could've been a much better security blanket, bf than l was and maybe it could've helped. But l had to pretext myself to bc l'd gotten through the biggest thing in my life too and she did have worrying sides l saw day one.

Soooo, l needed to protect my own self as well and see things first l couldn't afford not emotionally or mentally to throw it all to the wind and put myself on the line., gamble it. wELL, as you know she hasn't been the most stable of partners right through so l'm still doing it.

ldk to this day how she would've been if l did dive in properly instead, the way she's been l'd often wondered if it would've even made any difference tbh.

l have been 110 % supportive though , right through and by her side right through every minute of her courts , divorce, ex and much much more.

[randomxx]

A lot of thinking. As usual it doesn't matter what else l'm doing like the job at work atm , very complex, plus other life things, my head still always has room to think.

l was reading this thread today in another forum about commitment. The girl who started it had spent 5yrs living with one guy and 4 another but still no commitment or proposal from either.

There was a lot of women but fellas to replying all through and l was well, in a way, surprised at most of the views/ l suppose from a more just in this day and age perspective really, ldk.

Most were not one bit surprised at how peed she was and just about everyone was saying he or she should know within a few yrs max what they want.

lt's had me thinking so much bc gf knew for 2-3yrs, she tried and did and went through so much for us, even through all her problems, Covid and lock downs and borders the lot. l use to call her wonder woman.

She was always open to compromise or working on any problems , always had ideas and was really keen on any plans.

But then she started sayin 5yrs you know that's gonna be it.

All through l was holding but and um ah'ing , alright she had all her legals and stuff but l should've been able to say once we're through all that - but l never did.

And at 5 yrs she came down to mine again , it was a really big thing for her to do and wangle both emotionally and from her situation up in Syd at the time and she said this is it it's the last time last try. She hoped to stay mths and for us to finally start our future and make real plans and she really put a lot into it to.

l should've asked her to stay longer and l should've made her feel safe and loved and my future . lt's only this last 2 and a bit yrs she's started this on off stuff and getting cranky and l reckon my bs and hold back is why on top of all her other stressors.

Even reading cm thread and even some others through this place l see all similar things as that other thread and that's fair enough.

Maybe l was just too damn untrusting and suss. She'd done nothing but try her arse of for us and went through all kinds of crap for us 3yrs and was still hopeful at 5 and she was mostly a gorgeous partner whenever we were together.

l talked about maybe buying a ring 18mths ago but l never did, instead l stayed untrusting and more time more time.

l'm not taking all the blame here out of some misguided guilt , rose glasses or something, just saying how it is.

[CMF]

Rx - reaching out with hugs. 

You had reasons for holding back.  I think lonliness makes us doubt ourselves but look at all thr back & forth feelings you have. It shouldn't be that hard.  I was the same with M.

Thinking of you. If only we could sit & have a coffee to sort thru this crap 🙂

[randomxx]

Yeah very true cm very true and l've thought about all that myself many times too.

Wasn't this everywhere the first time, married l mean, probably the signs l'm not supposed to be heading but like a bull head not giving up on.

You spent 5 yrs having to prod him non stop at every turn , l've spent it up and down like a yo yo.

Thanks for the hugs , my fav's and for you to my friend, maybe we can work on that coffee.

You take care hey.

rx

[randomxx]

Although , in all fairness, if her situation when we met was a normal situation like just some ordinary someone else , probably would've gone for it.

But it was far far from, not even close, for nearly 4yrs so hence my diving in problem.

Anyway, speak of the devil, right when l'm thinking well it looks like she's happy being miserable at home haven't heard from her a few wks.

In comes some messages today but to ice the cake she asks if l'm going to qld?

That's her way of saying considering the way things are with us at the moment- maybe l should pick her up on the way through.

Bloody tempting , wish l could go atm and l'm freezing .

[CMF]

Breadcrumbs I'm afraid.

You hear nothing for weeks then when it's convenient wants to know if you're going up north erc. I hear what you're saying, if her situation were different when you met etc but it wasn't different & you dont know if she would have been different. She may have bern the same for different reasons. It's like me saying if M's sis didn't move in when we started dating things would have been different but she did move in & I now know I wasn't important enough to be his priority. It showed me who he really is.  My point is things should be easy regard of what else is going on. Life will always throw challenges at us.  It shouldn't strain the relationship if we are there to support each other. M was always gonna be emotionally unavailable & not fully in. Yours may have always found a reason to be miserable cos that's what she knows. We keep saying if only this was different or if only that didn't happen but fact is we hot to see their true colours in challenging situations.  If it's meant to be there would have been no doubts cos of tricky situations. 

[randomxx]

Yeah ldk cm.

Don't think l've fully talked about hers here, l mean it was big stuff, no man would've gotten involved at that time, not a sane one anyway.

Bread crums, hmmm, maybe. One thing though is knowing her in all honesty , no way she'd wanna hint or catch up again just for a holiday to qld, not a hope she wouldn't even bother.

But yeah trouble is even if his sis wasn't on the scene thing is, that's still just m. So when another sis or someone else did come along m would still be the m you've known all this time.

He needs a sis woman, hots for his own sister.

[CMF]

I understand rx.

There's a saying that if something isn't right for you it will leave your life & what is right for you will stay in your life.

What is right for you will bring clarity not confusion.

You're right about M too. He was always gonna be like that.  Well, with me anyway cos he wasn't 100% in.

Big hugs

[randomxx]

Yeah , sometimes for sure. What pattern have you always noticed through your life with things that have been right for you ?

l've noticed and have had all that sort of thing with some things through life for sure. Some things have just happened so smoothly and with such ease you just think God wish everything could go that way.

Dk if life works like that in reality though 24 7 or just throws us a teaser now and then ha ha- before it sinks the boots in again.

This , us though, it certainly should've come a little easier mentally through l'd imagine and have thought much about all that . But then it did at the start , it was all just there just happened , until l started messing with it. l couldn't believe how we happened it was like instant new life on offer from maybe the Gods or universe over night there it is, on offer just walking straight into my life.

l thought how could l have asked for more it was very surreal and really threw me for a six but then there was also her situation .

l'm sorry to say cm but yeah you are right to. The problem is with you and m and just like with any new relationship, time then just needs to have time to do it's thing and to show itself.