I've been with my partner for about 18months, we had a really rocky start... He knew my previous relationship ended because I cheated which I felt horrendous about, and had more issues about the amount of sexual partners I have had (under 20) but he considered it too many and just wouldn't talk to me and made me feel really bad about myself... made me delete certain ppl from social media.. And he also threatened to break up with me for not sleeping with him enough... And he has bad anger issues.. That mixed with my own issues of anxiety/depression... When we had fight i would have an anxiety attack and he would just get angry at me for them saying i was playing the victim.
Anyway, things have been a lot better for about 4 months and he wants to start planning trips etc together for the end of the year, but i'm really apprehensive and scared.. I don't know why? I love him, but I'm scared that it won't last, or something will happen. I feel like i can't talk to him because he's really sensitive and gets offended quite easily. Will this go away? why am i like this 😞
Welcome to Beyond Blue. It's great that you have decided to join the community here and I hope we can give you the help and support you need.
I have read posts similar to yours and observed similar relationships in real life, so to speak. Sadly I have seen they do not end well. Your previous life before you met your current partner is just that, your previous life. Whatever you did or did not do happened then and is not his business.
If you feel you did the wrong thing in some way for some reason, then it's up to you to decide not to do it again. It is not up to your partner to punish you in any way or to decide what you must do. He is making you feel bad because it suits his purpose. This behaviour he is displaying is very controlling and I would call it bullying.
If he feels you have had too many sexual partners then he can leave the relationship. It's up to him. How many partners has he had? It's not the point. I know this is not what you want to hear because you care for him. You are the person with the right to make these decisions, not him. It really makes angry that someone can enter your life, decide you are inferior in some way and then try to make you defer to his decisions for the rest of your life. It seems to me he looking for someone who has felt a bit guilty and is now depressed. You are very vulnerable in this situation because you want love, companionship and someone who cares for you.
He is a bully. Demanding sexual activity at his convenience regardless of your feelings is not how good relationships work. His anger is also a concern and I rather presume he is not doing anything about this. Saying he is sensitive and can't talk about some issues is good excuse for avoiding being called to account. No one who can force you to drop your friends and cater to his convenience can be called sensitive. The two parts do not go together.
Your feel unsure about trips and I think this is your body telling you not to trust him. We know inside ourselves when things are not right. The problem is we fool ourselves that the situation can change because we want it to change. Be assured, no one can change your man except himself and this does not look as though it is going to happen. How can it when he calls you a s..t. That is disgusting.
Sorry to be so blunt. I feel so strongly on this topic and probably has a lot to do with my marriage where I was bullied and abused. Don't let yourself in for this. I would love to say walk away but this is your decision. Do you talk to a psychologist or your GP? These would be excellent people to speak to. (They may also speak a little more rationally).
I hope you will get back to us.
I really don't wish to sound negative or harsh in any way, but I must agree with everything Mary has said.
To be honest, your partner sounds as though he has serious issues with control and anger, and you sound as though you may have a slightly sensitive/fragile disposition.
I too was in a controlling relationship that also included emotional and psychological abuse for two and a half years. I would also like to tell you to leave but, as Mary wrote, that is your decision. I would go with your gut feeling and forget about rationalizing or excusing his behaviour.
I agree that it would help you a great deal if you could speak to your GP or a psychologist. If that is too overwhelming, perhaps you could speak to one of the professionals here at 'beyondblue'.
From my own experience, I have developed a strong intolerance for one partner controlling the life of the other. You are the only person who has the right to control your life. I really feel for you and I do hope you seek some help.
As Mary suggested, please keep us posted if you can; we're genuinely concerned about you.
Please take care.
Mary and Ladyhawk,
i just want to say thank you for taking the time to help me. I haven't yet spoken to a GP or psych about these issues, I wouldn't really know what to say, and I don't feel as though it's a severe enough issue for me to warrant professional help? As in its not really abusive? I'm worried I'm just holding on to our past. I'm scared to bring anything up, and I don't understand how I be be scared and love someone? I think I may be overreacting I'm not sure.
i really thank you both though, it's so uplifting to know there is a space like this to talk to people and to be heard.
You are sufficiently anxious to write in to BB. From what you have written I believe your situation is sufficiently severe to warrant a a visit to your GP. As for what to say, copy your post, or perhaps both posts, or even the whole thread, and print it out. Take that to your GP and give it to him/her to read. That will start the ball rolling and the doctor will take it from there.
If you are scared there is a reason. Not just being afraid of separating, though that's part of the mix, but of the reaction of your partner. Having an anxiety attack because of a discussion is not normal. You are anxious and depressed, being bullied and abused by your partner and in need of help. Abuse is not just physical. Emotional, psychological and sexual abuse is just as real and in many ways is worse than physical abuse. Anyone who insists on sex under threat of leaving is in effect raping you. It's a power thing not the loving relationship you deserve.
Both Ladyhawke and me have been where you are now and it's not nice. Please make an appointment with your doctor, take a copy of this thread and see what he/she has to say. Stop putting yourself down. You are worthwhile and do not need a controlling and abusive person in your life.
I am worried about you and what you to take steps to be safe.
I've found myself in a similar situation as you and its a massive weight off my shoulders to know I'm not the only person going through this. Because it has been clouding my judgement so much I didn't realize how unhealthy these relationships are and I was beginning to think I was the problem or that I was broken. I've been in recovery from an abusive relationship and this was the first time I was starting to question my mental health again.
My partner has been exactly the same as yours in the beginning and I know how horrible it is, I'm dreading getting out of it. Makes me feel sick, but I know I can do it and be in a better and safer position then I am now. I really hope that you take the right steps too. No one should ever have the power to make us feel this way, and they shouldn't feel they have the right too. The above post of concern and support are so so so true!
Our past's are our past's and we are who we are, if someone doesn't accept it then its their choice to leave not their right to bully and shape us into something that they want.
I also think that travelling with a partner is a BIG step and if anything was to go wrong abroad you don't have a support system right there or anywhere else to go.
Good luck xxx
Mary and Elizabeth,
i really value your insight. I have booked an appointment with my GP for next week, and will take a print out of this post just in case I forget everything and think I'm being silly.
i hope everything is going well for you now Elizabeth, it really motivated me to make a change after reading about your experience. Is everything okay now?
mary, again, you have been really helpful. I wouldn't have booked a GP otherwise. I honestly appreciate it.
Congratulations on taking this step to see your GP. I know it was hard to make the appointment and it will be hard talking to your doctor. But take heart that you have taken the first steps on the road to health and wholeness.
When you talk to your doctor, just say it like it is. No excuses for your partner, only a simple statement of fact. You have explained everything so well in your posts that simply giving the doctor a copy will say everything you need to say.
I will be looking for your reply to tell us how much better you feel.
Everything is going really well! I feel back to my normal self after I ended things with my ex. I was so worried about what he was going to think/do/say when I tried to end it, I got completely immersed in this idea that I wouldn't be able to survive rejecting him. That it was all on me and my fault, when in fact its not. It was by far the best decision I made. The person you pair up with should support you and make you feel happy, not intimidate you and bully you into the person they want.
I'd love to hear how you're going with everything, good luck with the GP and having a space like this to talk to people also helps a lot!