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Relationship Anxiety "Do I really love him?"

Community Member

Hi guys, 

 Over the past couple of weeks I've been suffering with what seems to be called relationship anxiety. 

I have been in a loving, amazing relationship for 2 years now. It has been going perfectly until I started asking myself "do I really love him?". 

When I feel like myself, I love him more than anything and want to spend the rest of my life with this person. 

I have history of anxiety and depression throughout my whole childhood and adultolescence. I would just like to read about other people's experiences with this issue and how they dealt with it.

I do not want to leave my partner. I just want to be able to be true to myself and be able to love him completely without being anxious and double guessing myself.  

Any comments are greatly appreciated. 

2 Replies 2

Community Member

Hi AlwaysGeorgeeee,

I love and adore my husband. We have a great relationship. However even if I was to ask myself "Do I really love him?" I wouldn't feel a warm and fuzzy or a even a lustful 'yes'. The 'yes' I would have would come from what feels like a very rational place based on what we have experienced and what I rationally know. 

I have anxiety and I'm a fairly emotional person so it surprises even me that an answer about something so emotional feels quite unemotional when I think about it. The strength of the answer isn't as strong as my relationship deserves and neither is the emotion. To think about how I actually feel about my husband I prefer to think of a couple of different scenarios:

* I'll imagine a time I was distraught. Who did I want to talk to? What my husband on that list? Yes, he was first. Did the support he provide help me and make me feel connected to him? Yes.

* I'll imagine a time something funny happened. Who did I want to tell? What my husband on that list? Yes, he was first. Was telling him enjoyable and did I feel more connected to him after?Yes.

* Ditto something that embarrassed me

* Then how do I feel having sex or other intimacy with him. When was the last time we just made out and how did that feel.

etc etc.

So you are asking yourself the wrong question. Even I would be stumped to articulate why I love my husband and we have a very solid relationship where he is my best friend, lover and partner in everything. Try not to quantify what isn't quantifiable. 

Community Member

Hi AlwaysGeorgeeee.  What Em_thatisme is saying is true - to a point.  If your relationship is built on mutual love, trust and respect, you're half way there.  Do you feel you can tell him pretty much anything (and I DO mean anything) without any fear?  Are you second guessing your feelings or his?  If you are this uncertain now, I would be extremely hesitant about making any further commitment.  If you do look on him as lover, best friend, confidant etc and he has done nothing to make you believe different, then start believing in yourself.  Your fears (from what you say) are because of earlier insecurities.  Don't let these shadow your life today.  Yesterdays problems can play havoc as we start to grow.  Whatever happened in your earlier life is past, nothing can change whatever happened, but we can learn not to make the same mistakes.  If you're worried about the physical side of your relationship, can you talk to him without fear.  Love changes as we grow, what started as 'heart thumping, pulse racing, stars in your eyes' love, matures into deep, strong commitment.  Work on building that, together.

Best wishes