Recently single, struggling with acceptance, afraid of loneliness.

[Last_weeks_hero]

Hi, I haven't done this before but I'm at a point where I don't know who to reach out to.

A couple of months ago my girlfriend of two years left me. She called me in the morning and said that she thought we should break up, she said she needed to be by herself. I hung up not really knowing how to take it and had no option but to go to university and study for a test that I had that afternoon (which I failed horrendously because I wasn't able to take my mind off her). I tried a few times in the following weeks to convince her that we could work on it, and that I was willing to do anything to make her happy. Nothing worked, she mostly just kept repeating that she wanted to be by herself. Never really giving me a reason for why we didn't work. And never explicitly saying that she didn't want to be with me, just that she needed to be alone.

But one thing she said has stuck with me - "I just can't handle the negativity".

I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of loneliness since. A real fear that I will never find anyone that I can form that sort of strong connection with. Why would anyone want to be with me when I'm so negative? It feels like a compounding problem, the more I think about it the sadder I get, and the sadder I get the less attractive I am to others.

I can't stop thinking about her and how happy we could be if I'd just gotten a grip of my negative thinking.

I've been running a lot since the breakup. I thought it would help. I've lost nearly 10 kilos thinking it would make me feel more confident, but it hasn't really made me feel better at all. Deep down I think the motivation was more to make her see what she is missing out on rather than doing it for myself.

I have tried talking to a couple of my friends but I haven't really spoken to anyone yet that understands how I'm feeling. I don't want to try talking to them again because I'm afraid of becoming 'that friend' that's always complaining.

My thought processes have been getting progressively darker. I was under the impression that after a couple of months I might have started to move on, but if anything it's much worse. It's seriously affecting my motivation, and I'm at a pretty critical point in the transition from uni to a career so I'm afraid of the potentially significant effects it could have on my future.

I don't feel confident that I'll ever meet anyone else and I genuinely don't know what to do to make myself feel better.

Any advice would be much appreciated 🙂

[Zeal]

Hi - welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear that this breakup has caused so much emotional turmoil. It sounds as though you were struggling with negative thoughts before the breakup, and that the end of this relationship has led to a worsening of your negative feelings. If you don't mind me asking, how long do you think you have struggled with negative thoughts for? It sounds as though your self-esteem is quite low, and is unfortunately complicated by the loneliness and fear. There are some online resources that I recommend often to people on the forum. These resources are actually endorsed by mental health professionals, so they're reliable sources. They do not replace in-person professional support, however.

Here is the webpage that contains the resource links: http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm

I highly recommend seeing a doctor (GP) for a referral to a counsellor or psychologist. With a mental health professional you can discuss the breakup, as well as the negative thoughts and fear.

It would be great to hear back from you!

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Livinia09]

Hi there last_weeks_hero. I think you've done a great thing by reaching out here as a first step. I've only been on here a couple of days, but I've seen some amazing support by a wide range of people.

Without knowing too much, it sounds like your girlfriend may not really understand her reasons, herself. You can't make someone else take you back, I know how much you want to. I have been there, I still fall prey to that, and it's been 3 weeks shy of a year. That's not to say that you will experience the same thing! Everyone is different.

I also understand the physical appearance thing, I did the same. Working on your health and fitness is a great thing! Whatever your motivation. I just hope you are not underweight now and are healthy.

I really wish I could say something profound here. Tell you some life-hack that would just make it all disappear, right now. But I can't. I don't know if anyone can, I think it's one of those horrible situations that just takes time. I kept saying to myself, over and over "stay away from anyone who makes you feel you're difficult to love". But it hurts like hell when you want someone who doesn't want you. I tried so many things to help, then one day, it just got better. It does get better. It feels like it won't right now, because you have no end-date, it's not like completing your degree, there's no countdown.

If you can though, give everything you can to your studies. It's your future, whether you get back with your girlfriend or not, you've come so far - don't give up now that you're so close. I started another degree at the height of my struggles, and it actually helped a lot. I felt it was something amidst the turmoil that I could control.

Have you thought about talking to a health care professional?

I hope you check back in here, if not only to read the advice from others - it helps 🙂

Liv x

[Last_weeks_hero]

Hi Zeal,

Thanks for the reply. You're spot on with the low self-esteem. I've been to the GP in the past over my issues with depression. My ex had quite a tumultuous upbringing and had shown incredible resilience in the face of some pretty awful stuff. I can't help but wonder if she thought that I was weak or being over-dramatic when I struggled with personal issues that weren't even nearly on the same scale.

Thank you for those resources, I will definitely have a read, and I think I'll get right on sorting out a GP visit for a referral - good suggestion.

All the best,

Alex

[Last_weeks_hero]

Hi Liv,

Thanks so much for your reply. I too wish that there was some profound thought that could drag me out of all of this. I have to say it worries me hearing from a few people that even after a year or more people still have intense feelings of loss over breakups. I think I can be quite obsessive, so I'm afraid of how long this will go on for. It sounds ridiculous, but she deleted me on facebook the other day and it felt like I had been dumped all over again. I wasn't harassing her or anything, I just liked the fact that some part of her wanted to maintain some form of link. I can't understand how you can form such a strong connection with someone and then want to wipe the whole slate clean like it never happened.

I know that she needs to look after herself, and I totally respect that, I want nothing more than for her to be happy. I just wish I could see it from her perspective to find out what it is about me that would make a person want to erase me from their life.

I think really that's what it boils down to. A person actively made a decision that they didn't want me in their life anymore, that the world would be a better place without me. It really hurts.

Anyway, I got carried away there. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post. It feels nice knowing that there are people out there who want to listen.

All the best,

Alex

[Livinia09]

Oh, Alex - I really feel for you! Unfortunately, I know precisely how badly that one hurts.

I was dumped over text message. Told that he had been seeing someone for the previous couple of weeks and that he was choosing her over me. For around a year, we spoke every minute that we were both awake, both at work and outside of it. We were best friends and had a real connection (so I thought) so to just have that complete silence and be ignored was devastating. Honestly, I felt like I wanted to die living in this cold shadow. It's a feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I found what helped me was that I eventually (in the last 3 months) stopped dwelling on what I had lost and thought to myself, what if he did take me back. I really started to imagine what that would be like and I honestly didn't want it. If he could do that to me once, he'd do it again. Why be with someone who could make you feel like this and leave you so easily.

You sound like a considerate and intelligent human being with a lot to offer. In my opinion, you deserve to have someone that stands by you no matter what and supports how you handle things. Everyone does 🙂

I hate to pass judgement on people, but it sounds like what she's doing (removing you from Facebook) is more about making herself feel better about her decision. She can't do that if she's reminded of you, or even in a position to be able to see what it is that you are doing. She did say too that she wanted to be alone, so this could all be a part of that process. I know none of this will probably help in how you're feeling though.

Have you thought about talking to a psychologist? They may be able to provide coping strategies for you. In the end my GP put me on anti-depressants to help get me through. I had some other nasty stuff to deal with too.

I read something once that I just loved, it goes as follows:

I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day. Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself. It will get better. Until then, have a day.

Liv x

[james1]

Hi Alex,

I'm 24 and I've had two break ups which really sucked. I know what you mean about having that energy to do something like run in the hope that you'll get better, but not actually feeling any better because you were running for the wrong reason. I did that too. In fact, I'm still doing that now.

I don't know. I'm at the point where I'm sad that both relationships ended, but I can also be happy about the great times we had and the fact that I learnt a lot in both. I guess my situation's different to Liv's in that there wasn't really anything I could seriously fault my two ex's on, so moving on wasn't really a matter of realising I wouldn't want them back, but rather that life could continue and I could meet new people.

Sorry, I don't really have any great advice, but I would advise you to think of why she liked you in the first place, rather than why she broke up with you. There will be something good you can find inside that you can hold on to and say, "look, that's who I am. Likeable and worthwhile." You went out for two years. That takes commitment on her part to someone she thought, correctly, was good.

Anyway, it'll be a long road ahead most likely. Zeal and Liv's idea of speaking to a GP, counsellor or psychologist would be great step. And we're here of course, whenever you want to talk!

Liv - I love that quote. It's wonderful.

James