"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

[prairievole]

I decided to make a this post because i just finished reading a post by a young woman who had her first experience being used by a guy. Many of the posters said encouraging, comforting things AND many of them also said something to the effect of "someone will come along who appreciates you", "one day it will happen i promise" and "when you least expect it you'll find love". I'm so angry when people say this because sometimes it's not true. And it makes people like me feel even worse about ourselves because if most people find love after many bad experiences, then there really must be something wrong with me, because i still haven't.

I'm 32, so i have maturity to help me in these experiences. I'm good looking and outgoing and friendly (not that that matters at all). I'm educated and reasonable and have researched many different approaches to interacting with men. Yet not a single guy i have ever engaged with has ever wanted anything more from me than using me for sex just a few times (if i'm lucky) or just once if i'm not.

I have tried soooo many different approaches - i've tried meeting people organically, meeting them online. I have been on dozens of dates. I have tried being clear about what i want. I have tried being more relaxed and 'going with the flow'. I have tried setting boundaries. I have tried just living in the moment and appreciating someone's company. I have tried being elusive. I have tried being upfront. I have tried not caring. I have tried with wildly different men from different walks of life, and different appearances. Not a single man that i have been interested in has ever been interested in me. Sometimes they are upfront about it after a date. Sometimes they lead me on for sex. Sometimes they deliberately lie (for sex).

How do i cope with this? Knowing that there must be something wrong with me. I have tried so many other avenues for finding happiness but realised in my early 30s that all i really wanted was to give love, be loved, and have the chance at having a family. And still people lie and tell me "it will happen". If they'd told me that 10 years ago, i'd have believed them. If they told me that 5 years ago, i'd still have believed them. But now, it's proven to be false.

[Birdy77]

Hello Prairievole,

Mary was offering you support. Sometimes things don't particularly help, but her intention was kindness, which is why so many of us come here to these forums, for understanding and a friendly helping hand. If something isn't helpful or doesn't resonate with your situation, maybe try to ignore that part.

This also may not be helpful to you, but I'll go out on a limb and say that i liked randomx's suggestion of trying to go with the flow, my experience was that it was only when i let go of the pre-occupation with finding a partner that it eventually happened for me, and that wasn't until i was 35.

I can't answer your question, but we all have different experiences which is all we can really share.

Birdy

[Juliet_84]

Prairievole,

At the risk of incurring your wrath, I'm going to offer my two cents, you can choose to disregard them as you see fit.

There's a quote that has always resonated with me that I would like to share "people will forget what you say or did, but they'll never forget the way you make them feel". The same is true of relationships, we're all looking for something, be it acceptance, etc in another person, someone to make us feel validated. And that feeling is something that can't be manufactured. I understand that you are unhappy and discontent with your lot in life, I suspect a lot of us are on this forum, but perhaps you could try being the person that you want in your life for someone else, be it a friend, relative.

Like the others, I don't think you should have to sacrifice who you are to get someone or pretend to be something you're not. I know that you sincerely believe that a relationship will make you happy, but the sheer number of people posting about relationship problems on here should tell you it may not be the cure-all you think it might be.

As far as coping with a life you have no interest in, I always find that having a pet can offer a lot of benefits. Loving and caring for something, getting out and about on walks, etc may be something beneficial (if you can have them where you are)? Other than that, sometimes you have to fake it til you make it - don't have any interests or hobbies, try something new, it might be a waste of time but it might not be, and it won't hurt you either way. I worry that even if a relationship came along right now, you might not be in the right headspace should it end, which is a realistic consideration for any new relationship.

[prairievole]

Even if someone's intention is to be helpful, if what someone says is hurtful and downright untrue, you definitely have the right to say so. Especially when it may make them think about and critically evaluate what they have said.

[prairievole]

Oh and i appreciate your suggestion of 'not being preoccupied' with it as a suggestion. What i didn't mention in my original post was that i was at all concerned about relationships until I was 27 - to the extent that i actually didn't even lose my virginity till I was 27 because i was getting on with life and 'trusting' that it will happen when it happens'. So i actually spent 10 years not being preoccupied with it. And still nothing happened. Why are people so afraid to say to someone "i'm sorry that you got dealt a bad hand in life"? Why do people always have to say that the situation will probably change? Is it so they don't have to admit that not everyone gets a happy ending?

[Birdy77]

Prairievole,

I wasn't suggesting you were preoccupied, i said i had been. I was just offering my experience.

All the best.

[Quercus]

Hi Prairievole,

Wow. This is an agressive thread. I'm not delicate though so am just going to jump in.

What concerns me most is this...

I can't just enjoy life because i absolutely hate life and am so incredibly bored with life that i don't know how i will cope with the next mind numbing and unsatisfactory 50 years.

That is so sad to read. No wonder you appear to be so angry and disappointed.

Not feeling any enjoyment or pleasure in life is a significant problem. More than a lack of relationship in my mind. Have you visited a medical professional for a diagnosis and a support plan?

I'm not going to touch on the relationship stuff except to ask this... It is a hard question but one I believe is important.

If you met a man who seemed to have it all (handsome, smart, financially secure, articulate etc) but he seemed to have given up on living would you give him a chance?

I wouldn't. Sex maybe. But not a relationship.

Why? Because I don't want that responsibility. I can't be someone's reason to live and find enjoyment in life. That is way too much to ask.

I apologise if you find this cruel. I'm being pretty blunt here. But in my mind there is nothing you have described about yourself that is unlovable. What is unappealing is that you sound like you don't care. About life or yourself.

That is very sad because a lot of these feelings are familiar to me (and I have had major depression for a very long time). And with the correct management I feel a bit better.

It's not hopeless. Even if it feels that way. Lashing out at people trying to help you is understandable but all it achieves is isolating you more. The one who loses from this is you.

Please take care of yourself Prairievole.

Nat

[james1]

Hey prairievole,

I honestly think that life's just one big lucky draw. From genetics to the place we are born, to the type of upbringing to the random weather events to the people we meet...if there ever was a slapdown on gambling, it's gotta come down hard on life in general.

Sometimes you can do everything you think you're meant to do and still come out worse for wear.

I think we can always do more but, as you've said, putting up with zero luck can get pretty darn tiring. I had a million and one things get in the way of uni and I've just walked away from it. I don't want to deal with that right now even though it was what I held up forever as my ideal work - research.

I might get back into it later, or I might not. I'm trying to find something else instead.

So to answer your question about how to deal with a life in which you can't get the one thing you want: don't shut it out, but also don't shut other things out either.

It's like poker. You've been dealt bad hand after bad hand. If you keep folding, you'll lose. Eventually, you've gotta bluff your way back to the top.

James

[Guest_1584]

Yeah , l can see where your at prairie l'm living it too . Well the life side of things anyway and feeling a relationship is the only thing l want.

l was married but since all that nothings worked out and l just want to be with someone again , that's the life l want now . l have a lot of crap going on. Working , trying to get ahead, bills. zero interest in any of that garbage and it never ends, but if l don't do it l'd be out so l guess it has to be done but only this morning l asking myself as l walking out the door to work , why? there's only me, well l have a daughter but she's with her mum mostly we see each other all the time but she's not staying at all lately. But in my life itself, there's only me and so l just think what the hell , how am l in this.

l have no interest in other parts of life though. l try to make myself do things on the weekends , because if l don't l'll just hang out here on my own , but l have no interest. there's nothing excites me or makes me wanna get up and out there, not even things l normally enjoy. l can get into renovating but everythings up in the air with the house l bought right now and l'm not sure if l'll stay so whether reno's will be worthwhile but even if l do , not being able to share even that one thing with anybody just kills the fire anyway.

lt's weird , l've never been like this before.

A bike might excite me , but l don't have a spare 10 or 20k right now but l feel l would enjoy riding again even if alone , be nicer with my women on the back though.

l myself dunno how to get fired up either or whether to even bother.

[white knight]

Hi Prairievole

Coping? How do we cope with being alone, lonely, angry, ?

In my opinion, we should analyze the social world in which single people are subjected to, in order to make sense of this.

Drugs of all types is the core of activities now. Non commitment is in vogue as is the easy way of leaving a partner. When beyond 30yo eligible possible partners are usually divorcees with children, which might not be a choice of yours. Limited social venues.

So when is the result of all this- limited opportunity with many non committed attitudes. This means you end up questioning yourself.

And thats the first thing to combat, to cease blaming yourself. The next challenge is to regain your will to keep going. Get up and dust yourself off and get on with it.

Eg Computer dating. My daughter met a guy 6 years ago, they married last June. It can work. The beauty of such a system of dating is that you eliminste many that arent what you are looking for. Compatibility is crutial.

You chuck bad attitude rocks in the river, you be nice to people trying to help you and you choose best ways to seek answers to why you arent meeting the right guys. And you keep getting up....and up....and up.

Thats how you cope.

Tony WK

[Guest_1584]

Great advice wk.

Cheers. rx