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Pregnant and feeling miserable

Eiendbdhd
Community Member

I'm sorry - this seems so petty in comparison to some other people's experiences. I just feel like I don't know where else to go.

My partner and I have been experiencing challenges since I fell pregnant to our daughter 2 years ago. I guess my life changed immediately and his didn't. He has developed a more family friendly balance but I feel resentful and hurt that I'm sacrificing my body, sleep, time, finances, social life etc.

I've been home recovering from a tummy bug. He came home for lunch (as he does every day) briefly but I felt he was just just being especially nice because he wanted to more money (usually he's frustrated at me taking days off because I don't get paid leave) for his colleagues going away drinks. He goes out from 4pm and I made a request that he please be home by midnight. I thought 8 hours was reasonable and since i haven't been well it's nice having someone you love in bed with you after being alone all day and feeling crappy. So after going to an appointment for baby #2 alone, picking up our daughter and doing dinner and bedtime alone...He came in at 1.30am after I had sent some emotion fueled messages saying I was disappointed and felt let down. He was angry because he felt he did nothing wrong. I tried to explain I didn't think he did anything wrong, I just wanted him to understand and how I was feeling-he just kept talking and couldn't understand so I ended up apologizing for making him feel guilty for going out. I noticed his phone open and found he had been messaging another woman with obvious sexual intentions but he had fallen asleep. It's not the first time he has sent messages like this but I had always dismissed it because I figured we all secretly fantasize sometimes, we just don't get caught. I confronted him and he made it out to be no big deal, it was just like looking at porn.

I guess I feel inadequate because I'm fat and pregnant and I don't have the time or money for superficial things and he doesn't have much interested in me lately and I wish that I felt like an important and valuable person to him. I understand that my life has been consumed by our babies and he probably isn't recognised much so I have been trying to show appreciation by commenting positively and surprising him with a baby free date (he didn't really care about the effort) but I think I was just hoping that maybe my actions would encourage some appreciation or affection was shown in return.

15 Replies 15

hello Eiendbdhd, it's great that you have had some lovely responsive replies, because I'm not sure that this is going to go away, because how can you believe anything he has told you, and it could even mean that there has been a physical r/ship, he's certainly not going to tell you.
He is also going to be angry when he came home at 1.30am, that's a defense mechanism and is there any respect shown towards you, no not really, and yes all of us do fantasize, but only in our mind and not by seeing someone until early in the morning.
I had my doubts with my wife and believed that she was seeing someone and when she stayed out all night and came home in the morning, I was horrified, but her excuse was that she was working all night, which I know she always worked late, but this night I went and to try and find her at work, the car wasn't there, so I rang the hospitals, not there.
Perhaps he is considering an escape and won't return, because at the moment he is not showing any emotion and maybe if you want, you could be one step in front of him, only if that's what you believe is something that will put your mind at ease.
If this happens then there will be some matters that need to be sorted out, but I generally feel so sorry for you and my heart goes out to you. Geoff.

Starwolf
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I'm just an ordinary person who has learned to shift feelings of worthlessness, guilt and shame where they belong. With the abusers. I no longer see myself as victim of a situation that no longer exists. It has lost its emotional contents. Talking about it openly is effortless.

Your partner's "I-dont-know-what-to-do" response sounds to me like an evasive tactic. Where relationships are concerned, responsibility avoidance is emotional betrayal. Self-centered people usually want their cake and eat it too. Sure, he wants you to stay but only if he can keep doing whatever could be pushing you away.

No one can tell you what to do in this painful situation. All we can do is share a neutral perspective on your story. With 2 young children to look after, are you prepared to also keep catering to the needs of an adult-child who can't/refuses to grow up ? The hope for change can keep us overstaying toxic situations. You wrote that the relationship has been difficult over the last 2 years. Please be careful that waiting for someone to wake up to themselves doesn't end up depleting your inner resources. It is a delicate balancing act.

It seems that deep down, you have good insight into the situation. You are also courageous and resilient and have a supportive best friend. All terrific assets to help you over this difficult stretch of the road.

Carla09
Community Member

Ahello,

i think your husband needs to grow up he shouldn't be dragged kicking and screaming to be a responsible parent...

His focus needs to be on you and your kids. Try to be positive though for the special little person you are carying inside....if he can't appreciate how special these moments are it is his loss...He is really a sad person...with some serious problems....

Eiendbdhd
Community Member

Thank you all so, so much for your kind words. I am honestly amazed at the empathy and consideration you all have for others. This little community is fantastic for people like myself who weren't sure where to go for support. I really look forward to when I'm managing my own situation better and can contribute to others.

I am starting to process the whole event a bit better. I'm not really okay yet, and I feel so horrible for my toddler who has no understanding of why her mum is so irritable and impatient and less affectionate and why I was yelling aggressively at her dad (I hate to confront my partner in front of her but I haven't had control of my emotions lately), but she is so beautiful - when I frown or start to get upset she comes and sits on my lap and asks if I'm okay and gives me cuddles or kisses or does silly things she knows makes me smile. I honestly need her more than she needs me right now and I'm mad at my partner for putting me in a situation where I feel like I'm letting her down. Without her, I wouldn't even be considering this relationship salvageable.

We are communicating in small doses and he is in the process of seeking a councellor. He said he is reflecting a lot on his behaviour and trying to work out reasons (or excuses?) behind his actions. Regardless, it's progress and he seems to actually be listening to me. The home dynamics haven't changed much which is frustrating but I'm seeing tiny elements of effort. I'm reluctant to break our lease which ends only two months away so I feel like it gives a time frame to determine the result. While I'm trying to be open to recovering the relationship, I'm also preparing for the possibility that I'll be showing my babies that you have to look after yourself and walk away.

I wish I could say that things have improved but literally nothing has changed. My partner still hasnt sought counseling because "money is an issue" - but he has been able to visit friends at least once a week, maintain his cigarette addiction, buy a new Xbox controller, alcohol whenever he wants it, he's looking at a new BBQ and this is just recently...it would be nice to feel important to him like those things. I wanted one thing. I wanted him to show me that we mattered and that he was willing to apply the effort of seeking support to help us improve. I'm heartbroken and I'm shattering myself every single day trying to act okay but the second things get a little bit harder or I'm alone it all catches up with me.

Hi again Eindhbhhd,

Welcome back. By the sounds of things the struggle street continues with him being unable to recognise or acknowledge your hurt by his actions. Seems like he's hiding from it, wants to brush it under the carpet, forget it, I'm assuming.

To continue in a healthy relationship I think he needs to address his past actions and be accountable for them so he feels humility and thinks twice next time otherwise it's unfair on you. How do u know he won't misbehave again if he's not accountable? Sorry to be the bearer of bad new & I know you're trying to make movement with him just not understanding.

Im assuming there are still good things in the relationship bcas you are still together. You also sound like you want change and for him to act like a grown up. Some men are big children. I call them the man child.

Is he being attentive towards you? Is he sorry?

I really hope you can find mutual respect and join forces again. Whatever works for you. It's a tough one.