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Possible DV. How to escape?

Community Member

Our two youngest were unsettled last night. After 2 hrs I ask my husband to help. I said “I know you have work but you are a parent too”. Which his response was ”maybe I should murder them. I got a job (As in he has to get up early and work all day)”. I’m so disgusted at what he said. I texted him this morning saying please don’t say that again his response was “get over it love, you know I’m just joking”

This is serious and possible DV right? I’m not just overreacting. This is the first time he’s said something of this caliber. I’m not taking it as a joke and his response this morning is just making me feel more mad because he hasn’t understood the severity of his words...

How do you escape if you don’t have a job, have three kids, rely on your husbands money, don’t want to go to a shelter? And have no friends or family to help ...

no physical violence just intimidation, gaslighting, threats (he says he’s just joking).

I’m so lost. I need to get out. I have too. But how?

5 Replies 5

Community Member

Hi H90

Starting point:



The Aust Gov page which has a quick - close button at the bottom so you can shut it if you have an unexpected visit from the abuser peeping on your phone. There are contact numbers for counselling services etc from there. You may have local government services or private services in your area as well, so checking their pages can be a good idea, (which you can cover by saying you are checking the rates/bins/dog registration).

Depending on how the situation you may need to look at some relationship counselling to discuss how things are and get some communication on the way he talks to you to change, or it may be more serious and require a more enforced Police intervention, the professionals will be able to help you decide which approach is going to be best for you. Please keep in mind that the more formal the course of action initiated, the less control you may have over the sequence of events and outcome.

There is no single button click fix, AND fix doesn't always mean stay together.

Your safety and the safety of the kids has to come first.

Community Member

Hi H90

From what you have shared, you are clearly unhappy with the marriage. Is this a recent development or something that has been festering for some time?

Are you wanting to leave because of DV or are you looking for a reason to leave? Are you basing your DV claim on one isolated event or on a long chain of abusive behaviour? Your post is not clear on this point.

Either way, there is no easy fix to your dilemma. Couples counselling might be a good place to start.

Community Member

Hello H90 and welcome.

I'm so sorry to hear about this, it definitely does sound like DV, which can also be mental abuse aswell as physical. That behaviour is so disgusting and unacceptable and you and your family don't deserve that, nor does anybody.

Have you tried contacting 1800RESPECT? They have a webchat too, and they may be able to assist you. I'm sorry I can't offer more advice but please know that I and others do care. Be safe and take care, please.

- Tayla

Community Member


I am really sorry about how you are feeling towards your Husband and sometimes things can become quite confusing, especially if things are becoming unhealthy. Yes he may be joking, however, he still needs to tone down his attitude and know that he needs to respect your boundaries and the same goes for you. You need to communicate to him that you don't feel comfortable with how he speaks to you, unless something about has changed and you know longer find him funny or attractive. Please seek support where possible for your own benefit. There is plenty of support for family, friends and spouses. You are not alone and you don't need to be. Please look after yourself and know that you are a great person. This is not about him, this is about you. Please focus on getting the support you need. Good luck and stay safe.

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi H90,

I’m sorry to hear that you are so (understandably) upset. Either your husband has a sick sense of humor or there’s more to this. Like Mr Paul, I’m curious to know whether he has otherwise been fine spare this incident, or whether this falls into a long line of otherwise dubious behaviors. What is his temper like? Would you say that he is a controlling person needing to know your every move, do you walk around on eggshells for fear of setting him off. These are obviously the more classic symptoms of domestic violence and there are obviously other more covert types. But I just wanted to check how things have been. Of course, if you or your children feel unsafe you have every right to leave and there are many women’s shelters set up to provide you with a safe space that can help. I know that you may not want to go there but it is better than being unsafe in your own home. Or there is always friends or family members. You don’t even need to tell them why you are coming but just that you want to visit