poisonous relations

Guest_3712 · ‎29-04-2014

Hi all,

is it just me or does it appear to others that everything seems to be against you when you are battling this disease. You make a conscious decision to address one or more of your triggers, and then Wham! something happens to start it all over again.

As you all know I have spent many many hours with my psych working out my triggers and how to deal with the demons that come with them. I have recently decided to severely limit my interaction with my family and in particular with my mother and one sister.

I almost felt I was getting to a place where the hurt wasn't quiet as raw, and the rejection didn't make my anxiety peak until yesterday. I received a text early in the morning from one sister advising me our mother had been taken to hospital in an unconscious state ( she resides permanently in a nursing home).

So of course instant panic and I prepare to drop everything to rush to her side( 2 hour drive). I was aware I had a psych appointment in the afternoon and desperately wanted to keep it as I need that regular support. I waited till lunch time and when my sister let me know my mother was stable I decided to go to psych.

the battle I had going on inside me about whether I had made the right decision or not had me in quiet a state by the time I arrived for appointment. My psych was proud of me for resisting the urge to once again try and gain 'brownie points' or be the best daughter by rushing there.

My resolve was slipping though and despite the sensible side of me knowing it would not enhance my relationship with my mother to go I was sorely doubting my decision. I said to my psych over and over that it didn't matter what she had done to me, she was my mother and I should be there. His concern as always was that the constant rejection and disdain my mother showed me would ultimately break me.

my other trigger is my need to be needed. I have always been the family organiser, the go to sibling. I organise all family events , almost to a manic level. I am obsessed with the need to keep the family together as much as possible. I am currently exploring the reasons behind this too, and have consciously dropped out and not done any organising- the result being no-one else does it.

Anyway half way through my session I received a phone call from my uncle to let me know my last living aunt had passed away. OMG ! it was like someone had flipped a switch. Straight away I was telling my uncle don't worry I will be over asap , I will help organise things and I will let all of my sibs know. I then advised him that my mother was in hospital and maybe shouldn't tell her, blah, blah .

When I hung up my psych was just staring at me . there I was receiving therapy for major, control issue among other things and in one moment I had forgot everything. It's not like there isn't anyone else who can do these things, it's just that I think it has to be me- obviously these behaviours stem from the issues in my childhood which I won't go into .

I need to get this balance right. I need to accept my mother is never going to give me what I want , she will never change and I am destroying and wasting my life hoping otherwise. My previously fractured relationship with one sister is beyond repair and the hurt is so painful at times it's physical.

I have at the moment decided not to jump in car and race down to see mother, right or wrong I don't know. I think I am going to hurt either way. It is just so hard to cut family out of my life, even though it seems that most if not all of my issues stem from these poisonous relationships.

My husband supports my decision because although he doesn't know the extent of my problems he has seen the rejection and the hurt it causes me. I don't know how long I am going to be able to stay strong though as I know the guilt I would feel should she pass away without me seeing her would be devastating.

I know a lot of my friends here on BB are facing similar issues so maybe can see something I maybe missing.

thanks for listening

Stressless

Guest_3712 · ‎02-05-2014

Hey Neil,

love your work. don't apologise ever. I absorb every word - don't necessarily believe you at the moment though.

yes by family I mean my extended family. those that gave birth to me and those that were unlucky enough to share the same gene pool.

Stressless ( Ess Elle- cool)

geoff · ‎02-05-2014

dear Stressless, everybody has their own flaws in life, and depression doesn't have to be the greatest flaw of all, so don't judge this illness as the worst weakness of all.

To other people I know going to bed very shortly is my greatest flaw of all, they take this as a weakness and can't understand why I have to, so to them, it's my greatest weakness, but then I look at it this way, it's what suits me, and that's what counts.

I can't push my limits just to suit them, and if I did, what for, I won't get any thanks for doing so, because with depression I have to do what is convenient for me. L Geoff. x

Neil_1 · ‎02-05-2014

Dear Ess Elle 🙂

You know something that Geoff wrote twigged something in my mind that I now wish to say out loud.

And I do hope others are listening (reading):

"If I had the choice to be like say your mother (mind-wise) or Jo's mother (mind-wise) and there are so many others out there (sister's etc) - if I was given the choice to be living on earth like 'that' and be free of mental illness or to live with depression, I would choose depression".

Neil

Light9 · ‎02-05-2014

I have two words SCAPE GOAT...I bet you were made one too.

It's not your fault you weren't willing to put up with major dysfunction!!!

Stay strong SL, your Mum sounds very detached and cold I'm sorry, I hope you are coping ok.

Go the masks I say, whatever gets you through...

L 🙂

Mares73 · ‎02-05-2014

My dear Stressless I have had you in my thoughts & with dismay noticed that several replies I'd written to you have not shown up. I've realized them I pad is there problem-but luckily I can use my phone to reply despite it being slow & annoying so forgive my spelling errors. So so much of what you have written re your longing for a deeper, closer, honest & understanding relationship with your mum is exactly how I feel. I am them eldest & grew up in an alcoholic family where my mother was so busy trying to please my father that all responsibilities fell to me. I was also abused by my dad & my mother was told by my school teachers except she decided I was making it up as she was blinded by their awful codependent relationship. So she took me to a Dr when I was 8 & got me put on antidepressants for things like my bedwetting, my crying to have a lock on my bedroom door etc. She said I was imagining things. My father came & went as it suited him & by age 13 I was expected to leave school & get work to support the family financially. I remember doing everything I could to hear her say she loved me or to show affection but it never happened. When I moved out at 19 & was working she would ring religiously every Thursday (payday) & speak different to me & say she loved me-followed always by a request for money. I did it for years then I started counseling & realized she wasn't capable of showing love & affection. She could never say it ever-id end each ph call by saying "I love you mum" & she would always follow with a complete change of topic such as "let's hope we get some rain soon". Over their years I've learnt to finally accept she will never be able to be the mother who shows any interest in me or my life & is never going to express love to me. Even during my last breakdown where she saw me so low & probably got her first realization that maybe after all it was an illness, she has never asked or read anything about depression. Her attitude since I was young had been ingrained in my mind-"feelings don't matter" & "you only get hurt in life if your silly enough to believe that your feelings mean anything of significance-its what you do that matters-who could be selfish enough to think about how they feel-you have to get on with life no matter what happens so don't indulge yourself by thinking how you feel matters to anyone-people who just get on with life & don't spend anytime going over what's happened/happening are mentally them healthiest. Mary if you keep yourself constantly busy you won't have time to indulge on thoughts about life-just get on with it-im never going to sit down & talk with you about what's happened in life-just a waste of time". But despite her inability to even acknowledge my depression (which she believes is selfinduced) I kept trying to "please her" many timesaat there expense of my own family. I'd cry so often, wondering what else I could do to gain her approval & love. She still comes in Totten on a Thurs once a f/night and it's no surprise it has to always be that day-yes my pay day. So I did an experiment & told her a month ago that I could only see her Wednesdays rather than Thursday-and ofccourse, despite the fact that she was available she has not been to see me since. Stress less I can really relate to the hurt & the fact we do everything to be the "perfect daughter", we are "people pleasers" who take on the hurt & rejectionalways hoping & craving for our mothers love, acceptance & affection. But sadly it's a fact that our mothers are unable to provide those things & we waste precious time which we could spend with our immediate family. It think is like a viscous cycle-we end up "needing to be needed" by our mothers as it's the only waytto sustain some for of a relationship. But it's not a fulfilling relationship & I don't think in my case anyway that there could ever be the relationship I've spent much time grieving over. I've had to let go of my need for my mums love, acceptance & affection. Yes it still hurts but it also gives me back a large part of myself & stops the constant grieving. For me acceptance of limits was only way to cope. I really feel for you & you've had a challenging time in so many ways-but your such a strong, courageous insightful wonder of a woman. And you deserve better. Sending you a big hug, Lve Maresxxxx

Jo3 · ‎02-05-2014

Hey Stressless & Mares

You know I have the exact same problem - trying to please my mum or to get her approval or for her to say I love you Jo, just a few words - but I will never ever get that from her or from my dad.

I feel for both of you so much because I know exactly what it's like to feel rejected, abandoned and not loved. I know what it feels like to have other siblings being given special treatment from parents and not me - and that hurts me so so much.

Why do we have this thing where we need to be the "best daughter", the ones who need approval.

My mum never had a relatiionship with her mum and I now have not a fantastic relationship with her so i guess history is repeating. But i will try my best to have a great relationship with my daughter and I know our relationship is different - it's close and we have fun at times. I will not do what my mum did to me or my childrren - I will be different.

It hurts so deep to not have that affection, love, nurture and acceptance from our mums.

But you know both of you are strong women who will get through this, you will get through your traumas.

I am thinking of both of you and sending you some of my huge hugs, pls take care

your friend (emotional) Jo

xxxx

Guest_3712 · ‎03-05-2014

Hi White Rose,

Thanks for sharing your story. it seems there is quiet a club of us here.

I guess I am still in the early stages of understanding / accepting this . My depression has had many stages and many triggers , this is just the latest and maybe the hardest.

with the physical pain I was usually able to get some relief, be it creating another problem with drugs. But this pain is different .It is deep within . it flows through my veins and has no where to escape except via my depression and anxiety.

I am sorry you weren't there when your mum died and I guess it's hard not knowing if it would have made a difference to you. I don't know.

I agree it's destructive and my psych has said many times I need to focus on my own family and let it go. It's so hard isn't it.?

Be Kind to yourself

Stressless

Guest_3712 · ‎03-05-2014

Hey Geoff,

You're right as usual . Depression isn't the worst thing is it? Racism and bigotry are way up there, as are all crimes against children and women. I'm not a thief or a murderer , so I shouldn't feel too bad in the overall scheme of things should I ?

And yet............

Thanks Geoff as usual you have given me something to think about

Be kind to yourself too

Stressless

Guest_3712 · ‎03-05-2014

Dear Neil,

You and Geoff have made a good point but I don't think I am quiet there.

Depression has taken so much from me , and even though I have obviously lived my entire life in denial there is something comforting in not facing things. I mean really what have I gained by dragging all this stuff up .

I feel worse about myself. All the traits I thought I had have just been fronts for coping and covering things up. What's left? A fifty something woman still running to mummy for a morsel of love or approval.

I don't know anymore. Maybe these things are better left where they belong Buried deep, deep within.

Neil are you going Ok? Hope you are looking after yourself and always

Be kind to yourself

Ess Elle ( Stressless)

Guest_3712 · ‎03-05-2014

Hi Light9,

Yes you are right I was definitely the scape goat. Maybe I should add that to my moniker Neil ( Ess Gee! scape goat) .

You know most of the time it was by choice Light9, I couldn't bare to see my sibs in trouble or being hurt so I would throw myself in there and take the flak.

Even now I continue to accept the responsibility for everything that goes wrong in the family, it's easier I guess to continue the behaviour you know.

Be kind to yourself Light9

Stressless