Passive Aggressive Friend

[AnotherRandomUser]

My friend has been depressed lately, while Ive been sick, and while Ive tried to be there for them despite my own limitations, theyve been controlling and passive aggressive lately and Im finding it hard to cope.

They keep saying everything is fine when I ask if theyre upset with me, but almost every conversation we have they drop some hint theyre mad at me or judging me in some way. (Often about how I manage money, my time, or my health.)

But theyre also sneaky about it in a way I cant call them out on it without them being able to deny it.

They also compete with me by suggesting their problems are worse than mine, or complain when I can do something they cant. Usually to invalidate the things Im going through or to suggest their needs are more important than mine.

And finally, theres a hobby they love and every chance they get they try to convince me to do it with them. Usually I try to put some time aside to do just that but lately Ive been sick so havent been able to join them. It takes a lot of energy.
But now if I do anything else, they make a comment about it (aka you cant be that sick if you can do that) or insult it (insinuate its no good and they wouldnt do it), and then bring up their hobby again (aka if your well to do that then do this with me.) Its unfair because the things Im doing are chores/needs, and the few things I do that are fun are way less difficult and take less time than their hobby. Its just little things to pass the time while sick. Im not avoiding their hobby, its just too hard for me right now!
But honestly, even when we do their hobby (I often push myself), they then sometimes make comments that Im enjoying it wrong too, so I really cant win anyway!

All and all, I dont know how to cope with this. I really wish theyd just talk to me outright so we can figure out a compromise or I can stand up for myself at least.
Ive tried to gently bring it up so as not to cause a fight, but when I do, they deny it or say they didnt mean it that way. So it doesnt work.

And unfortunately because they make comments so often, Im paranoid at everything they say now. I think, is this another hint? Is this about me? Are they mad again? I dont even know anymore! I never used to feel this anxious talking to them. It used to be easy. And now I think, how can I can I confront them if I doubt myself? If I dont know if it is always about me?

And the worst part, despite the fact their my best friend... lately I havent been wanting to talk to them, or hang out with them. Not out of spite, but because their comments make me so stressed, I dont have fun anymore. I feel controlled and bullied. I admittedly, want to avoid them and I feel like a jerk for it.

So is there a way to confront them on this because I dont know how, Im so scared that if I confront them more aggressively on this, their going to hate me and deny it again anyway. But if I dont, I worry Ill destroy our friendship anyway because Im withdrawing more and more, and I think its only making them angrier. But what can I do, they wont talk to me about it!? Can I fix this at all?

[AnotherRandomUser]

Hey Eagle Ray.

Thanks for your message, thats reassuring to hear honestly as I do doubt myself. Though I am sorry you went through something similar.

They used to be someone who was supportive and easy to talk to, but something changed, and now its like they resent me and are trying to bully me in to being who they want, and then punish me when I wont/cant. I grieve for the fact its not like how it used to be, but I know I cant make it go back to how it was, so its up to me to make a choice. It really hurts though.

Things might be ending anyway though, we had to leave a website we normally talk on (due to political changes), and when deciding on where to go to next, they avoided making a decision and shut down on me. I feel this might be a sign their trying to end our friendship, but instead of being upfront, their blocking me out.
It hurts because I still have no idea why they are acting like this. I know I might have to end our friendship anyway because of how Im being treated, but I wish I at least knew why theyre so resentful. Why this is happening at all.

But I guess I cant force them to tell me, so I'm going to have to accept things arent working and move on. Im scared to be without them I admit, and I'll really miss the good moments. I wish things were different. But holding on when they treat me bad isnt good, so it might be it I think. Im going to try to talk to them when Im brave enough to, and just say its not working.

Still I hope they find people who do make them happy, and I hope I do too. I dont hate them, I just dont want to be hurt anymore.

Anyway sorry Im rambling a lot, but thanks for the support. It gives me the courage to figure myself out, so I appreciate it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi AnotherRandomUser,

I do understand about the feelings of loss and grief with the friendship, especially if the nature of it has changed but there are happy, shared memories from the past. I felt that way with my best friend from high school. Eventually the pendulum swung too far in the direction of it being difficult and the situation was hurting me enough that I just didn’t want to go on with it. 

There’s still the option of trying to get to the bottom of why they’re behaving as they are. But, as you have mentioned, they might keep evading or denying that they’re behaving a certain way. My friend was like that and would adamantly state she wasn’t doing the very behaviour she was, and she’d do this with anyone who observed her behaviour and mentioned it to her.

Yes, letting them know it’s not working is your honest reality and perhaps then you can have extended space from the person. You can see how you feel having a break from them and whether you want to permanently disengage or whether there’s any hope for the friendship. I’d say it does come down to the other person taking responsibility for behaviour which to date doesn’t seem to have happened. Otherwise it’s just going to be you trying to deal honestly and constructively with the friendship while they exhibit resentment and bullying behaviours which is really not healthy for you.

Take care and listen in to what feels right for you. I have found as certain doors close, other opportunities open up. So see how you go and if the friendship does end it will give you more time and energy for other connections.

Best wishes,

ER

[AnotherRandomUser]

Hey Eagle Ray,

Sorry for the late response, things have been a bit stressful. But I appreciate the reply, and it did give me things to think about.

Though as it were, the pendulum did indeed swing a bit too far to difficult, and I finally called an end to being friends with them.

They started talking to me again, but the passive aggression returned and they would get rude and short with me whenever I talked about my life.

Eventually I got upset and withdrew, and stopped talking about myself pretty much at all, only asked them how they were, and this only seemed to make them happier, and they started talking a lot more... about themselves. Which would be fine, if they thought of me at all.

I think at that point I was kind of just, over it. I was thinking, "why am I even here, you dont even like me, you only like the attention I give you. You only want me around to support and praise you, and I think I deserve better than that. I matter too."

I think I was also still mad at their past comments, and you know, thinking on it, I think I should never have let it go, but I was so worried about losing them as a friend, so I did let it go. I guess I knew they were never going to apologize or care even if I continued to push them about it. But if we were really friends, they would have cared how I felt, they just didnt.

So its over, I just told them that I didnt feel they really liked me that much, that I was unhappy, and I thought it was time to end things. I didnt get angry, didnt want a fight, just said I was done.

As a result, I did learn one thing, they were in fact mad at me, for a very long time apparently (and apparently Im a jerk for "not knowing" even though I blatantly asked if they were upset with me?) Though it was still never elaborated why they were angry with me, so I may never truly know.

Buuut I do think I am right about it being me not reciprocating their feelings, because of some other things said, even if they didnt outright tell me. Truth be told though, even if I had liked them back, Im sure this would have made me run the other way. I'm my own person, I dont exist to make them feel special at the cost of losing who I am and having my own needs ignored. Its quite bizarre that theyd even want that from me, its abusive honestly.

So yeah, Im done. They were fun to talk to and all, but in a sense of irony I think I was the only one that gave a crap. They only wanted control, not a friend. And no thanks.

Anyway want to thank you and Criox for your help. It gave me the courage to stand up to them and to realize that I dont deserve to be treated like that.

[Croix]

Dear AnotherRandomUser~

I'm glad we were able to assist, even if only voices that you knew were there for you -nothing else.

I believe you have made a mature and insightful decision and think you are quite right, some people and groups only exist to look after themselves, expect to be praised and have no time or empathy for anyone else. 

It does not matter why thay blamed you -if in fact that was not just a vague excuse for their conduct. True freinds would have tried to face any issue and attempt to work it out. Actually I'd be surprised if the did blame you for anything sensible, not being sycophantic enough probably.

I think that from now on your expectations of others as well as yourself may lead to some true friendships

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear AnotherRandomUser,

It's really good you have found some clarity and a sense of the true nature of the friendship. To be blaming you somehow but still not communicating whatever they were unhappy about is ongoing passive aggression and not something you need to have in your life. They do sound quite emotionally immature and self-absorbed.

You have been a good listener and a caring friend, but their approach has been to use that to serve themselves without showing an awareness of you as a person in your own right. I have had a number of friendships like that and I had to go through it quite a few times to realise I was just being used by the other person and they couldn't actually see me.

So well done for sticking up for you. I agree with Croix that that sets the stage for some true friendships in the future. You deserve kind, loving and mutually supportive friendships.

All the very best,

ER

[AnotherRandomUser]

Thanks to you both. And your right, true friends would be honest and upfront, and wouldnt be passive aggressive and selfish.

Though unfortunately, this saga hasnt quite ended... you dont have to reply, but I had to tell someone because it has rattled me.

After we stopped being friends, I admittedly checked their social media account where I saw they posted they were angry at me, and that they were going to write a fanfic based on our fight. Which was a red flag to me. I knew they did writing (though I had never read it), but I didnt know they based it on real people.

So curious, I clicked the link to their fanfiction, and it turns out theyve made characters to represent me and them, and have been writing erotic fanfiction about us being together. Turns out they have been doing this for the past year.

Worse again, they used conversations Ive had online publicly with other people as inspiration for their stories/fantasies. Making out that I said things to them, and not other people, and making it sexual. (Ew.)

They also were really jealous about a character I like, and wrote him to be my "ex" in one of the stories, where they talk shit about him. Its super weird.

They also wrote about gaming sessions we have had, and then made it so I talk about how much I like and admire them. Again, ugh, no. Hell no.

Overall Im super creeped out by this revelation. This is a friend I knew for many years, someone I trusted and spoke to often. I had no idea they were like this, and I feel used and quite honestly, shaken.

I guess I know why they were so passive aggressive about me having a life outside of them now, they seem to have been super jealous. I still dont get why they didnt just tell me they had a crush on me and been normal about it. Instead theyve acted like a total creep and made entertainment out of me. Its gross. Other people have left comments and made fanart, they have no idea its based on a real person (me), and I feel disgusted. (Though thankfully its not super popular.)

I dont know if theres much I can do about it though, its under fake names so at least people dont know its me, but its not great to know its out there. (I might write to the owners of the site and ask if it can be taken down, though doesnt stop them posting it elsewhere so... ugh.)

All I can say, is thank heck I stopped being their friend. Im also glad I live somewhere they cant get to because honestly it has made me feel a lot less safe. They clearly have no care for boundaries. What a jerk. I regret even giving them a chance, I had no idea they were like this! Here I was worried they were depressed but it turns out they were being a massive self-absorbed creep!

I guess the lesson for me is, to trust my gut. If something doesnt feel right, maybe hit the bricks! Geez.

But thanks for your help again, as for me, I think Im going to find a quiet hobby that I like and focus on that. They can stay bitter and be a jealous weirdo, Im going to enjoy my life and my wonderful amazing hobbies. At least the things I enjoy dont hurt people and make me happy. I think thats a win.

[Croix]

Dear AnotherRandomUser~

There is a strong temptation after a friendship has finished to look up the other person's social media, it is sort of magnetic:)

It's a bad idea, you have finished with them and finished really does mean finished. The fact they write erotic self justifying wish-fulfillment stories and not doubt based in part on people they know, and if they are peeved then that character will be portrayed in an unkind light.

Fan fiction can be very good, of a professional standard and many authors have started that way, however these efforts seem simply toxic and eventually will move on to other things.

Please do as I suggest and start to pursue a life that does not include them at all, but fresh and kinder more trustworthy people - you deserve that

Croix

[AnotherRandomUser]

Yeah I know, I know, heh, its never a good idea. I just wanted to know why they did all this I guess. I know now, so at least theres that closure.

Honestly I used to be a writer, so I understand writing to vent out feelings, or using real life as an inspiration. I think the more alarming thing was the lack of respect in it; the fact they didnt talk to me about their feelings, the fact they were so controlling and jealous, and that they used private conversations for a public spectacle like that.

It felt like seeing someone throw a tantrum in public about me, and then using any positive feedback they got to justify their toxic behavior. Its really uncomfortable.

But your right, they will move on, and so should I. I guess Im just grieving. I didnt know they were this aggressive and controlling, and its rattled me. But I suppose all I can do is find other people who wont be like that.

Thanks again for your response. And yeah, Ill find something else to do. Something more positive.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear AnotherRandomUser,

That further discovery is extremely strong evidence to trust your gut and move on with your life. What a disturbed, creepy person they are! I had some creepy  experiences with the first therapist I ever saw. I stopped seeing her when her disturbing nature began to really unravel. I later discovered she did a podcast (still online today) in which she has taken my personal information, including a dream I told her, and “interprets” it in the podcast to supposedly demonstrate her “amazing” dream interpretation abilities. She claims she has permission from clients for any info she has shared in the podcast. She has never asked my permission whatsoever. I realised that first therapist was using me in disturbed ways and was a very unbalanced person who was weirdly over-involved with me. Irk!!! If I look back there were numerous red flags I should have heeded much earlier on. You do not want such people in your life and I can tell you are a way more balanced, normal and respectful person. So, yes, go forward free of such people and find the kind, healthy, connections with people you deserve.

I understand the feeling rattled as I did in relation to that first therapist I saw, initially believing they had my interests at heart, when all along she was just playing a game with me. I had trusted her with the most personal information from my life as you think you are meant to be able to with a “professional” therapist. Likewise, with a long-term friend you often believe there’s a certain level of trust and it’s a shock when you starkly realise the true nature of the relationship. So allow yourself to feel the grief but know you are doing the right thing by absolutely getting away from that person. I think these experiences do help us to know better who to trust going forward in that if something feels icky, off or uncomfortable it probably is. Healthy relationships won’t feel like that. There will be a sense of ease and peace. You will feel nourished by the friendship.

Take care and all the best!

ER

[AnotherRandomUser]

Hey Eagle Ray,

That sounds absolutely awful! I can imagine how tough that would be to know that she didnt have your permission despite her claim, and to not able to tell her audience what she did. Or to undo the damage she inflicted. What a horrible person she is! I am so sorry this happened to you.
Isnt it the worst too when its someone you think works in a profession where you can trust them as well. Ive had 2 bad therapists, one I quit after our first session due to her aggression/invasiveness, only to find out shed been taken to court for starting a cult! The second was one that sent me a gift in the mail without my permission, it had no sender name on it and scared the hell out of me, she only confessed to sending it after I got really upset during our next session over it. Id been talking to her for a while, but I quit after that, it felt very wrong and creepy. To use my address without my permission too! I heard she was let go, can imagine why.

Thankfully other therapists I have had were wonderful, but when you do get a bad one it can really be so jarring and frightening. Especially since they do have so much information on us. I can totally understand the fact you didnt catch on straight away, these are people we should be able to trust after all! Creepy people also often seem nice at first, their terrible manipulators, and its certainly not your fault (or with my friends case, mine) that you dont catch on straight away. They start kind, then see how far they can push it. Its awful, just vile really.

But yes what happened with my friend is similar, I told my friend almost everything, even personal things I had told no one else. And like you said, it is such a shock to find out what they are truly like, and unsettling.

Personally its made me lose confidence in my own ability to judge others intentions, but Im trying to tell myself that Ill know better next time. I dont want to not make new friends because Im scared itll happen again, but it has shaken me. It will take some time I think for me to digest what they have done. I would never have guessed in a million years theyd be like that, it doesnt feel real, and yet, they have done this. Like you, thinking back on it, there were signs, I just assumed the best of them even when they said things that were questionable. I mean I thought I knew them, but apparently not.
But anyway, its their fault for acting like that, not ours for not knowing. People like that just take advantage of your kindness! And well, I dont think being kind is a bad thing, they should just be nice too!

But thankyou, I hope you can find closure for what has happened to you as well. Hopefully the future will be filled with kinder people and happier moments. And yeah, getting away was a good thing. At least I can enjoy things again without worrying what theyll say about it now.