Passive Aggressive Friend

[AnotherRandomUser]

My friend has been depressed lately, while Ive been sick, and while Ive tried to be there for them despite my own limitations, theyve been controlling and passive aggressive lately and Im finding it hard to cope.

They keep saying everything is fine when I ask if theyre upset with me, but almost every conversation we have they drop some hint theyre mad at me or judging me in some way. (Often about how I manage money, my time, or my health.)

But theyre also sneaky about it in a way I cant call them out on it without them being able to deny it.

They also compete with me by suggesting their problems are worse than mine, or complain when I can do something they cant. Usually to invalidate the things Im going through or to suggest their needs are more important than mine.

And finally, theres a hobby they love and every chance they get they try to convince me to do it with them. Usually I try to put some time aside to do just that but lately Ive been sick so havent been able to join them. It takes a lot of energy.
But now if I do anything else, they make a comment about it (aka you cant be that sick if you can do that) or insult it (insinuate its no good and they wouldnt do it), and then bring up their hobby again (aka if your well to do that then do this with me.) Its unfair because the things Im doing are chores/needs, and the few things I do that are fun are way less difficult and take less time than their hobby. Its just little things to pass the time while sick. Im not avoiding their hobby, its just too hard for me right now!
But honestly, even when we do their hobby (I often push myself), they then sometimes make comments that Im enjoying it wrong too, so I really cant win anyway!

All and all, I dont know how to cope with this. I really wish theyd just talk to me outright so we can figure out a compromise or I can stand up for myself at least.
Ive tried to gently bring it up so as not to cause a fight, but when I do, they deny it or say they didnt mean it that way. So it doesnt work.

And unfortunately because they make comments so often, Im paranoid at everything they say now. I think, is this another hint? Is this about me? Are they mad again? I dont even know anymore! I never used to feel this anxious talking to them. It used to be easy. And now I think, how can I can I confront them if I doubt myself? If I dont know if it is always about me?

And the worst part, despite the fact their my best friend... lately I havent been wanting to talk to them, or hang out with them. Not out of spite, but because their comments make me so stressed, I dont have fun anymore. I feel controlled and bullied. I admittedly, want to avoid them and I feel like a jerk for it.

So is there a way to confront them on this because I dont know how, Im so scared that if I confront them more aggressively on this, their going to hate me and deny it again anyway. But if I dont, I worry Ill destroy our friendship anyway because Im withdrawing more and more, and I think its only making them angrier. But what can I do, they wont talk to me about it!? Can I fix this at all?

[AnotherRandomUser]

Hey Eagle Ray.

Thanks for your message, thats reassuring to hear honestly as I do doubt myself. Though I am sorry you went through something similar.

They used to be someone who was supportive and easy to talk to, but something changed, and now its like they resent me and are trying to bully me in to being who they want, and then punish me when I wont/cant. I grieve for the fact its not like how it used to be, but I know I cant make it go back to how it was, so its up to me to make a choice. It really hurts though.

Things might be ending anyway though, we had to leave a website we normally talk on (due to political changes), and when deciding on where to go to next, they avoided making a decision and shut down on me. I feel this might be a sign their trying to end our friendship, but instead of being upfront, their blocking me out.
It hurts because I still have no idea why they are acting like this. I know I might have to end our friendship anyway because of how Im being treated, but I wish I at least knew why theyre so resentful. Why this is happening at all.

But I guess I cant force them to tell me, so I'm going to have to accept things arent working and move on. Im scared to be without them I admit, and I'll really miss the good moments. I wish things were different. But holding on when they treat me bad isnt good, so it might be it I think. Im going to try to talk to them when Im brave enough to, and just say its not working.

Still I hope they find people who do make them happy, and I hope I do too. I dont hate them, I just dont want to be hurt anymore.

Anyway sorry Im rambling a lot, but thanks for the support. It gives me the courage to figure myself out, so I appreciate it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi AnotherRandomUser,

I do understand about the feelings of loss and grief with the friendship, especially if the nature of it has changed but there are happy, shared memories from the past. I felt that way with my best friend from high school. Eventually the pendulum swung too far in the direction of it being difficult and the situation was hurting me enough that I just didn’t want to go on with it. 

There’s still the option of trying to get to the bottom of why they’re behaving as they are. But, as you have mentioned, they might keep evading or denying that they’re behaving a certain way. My friend was like that and would adamantly state she wasn’t doing the very behaviour she was, and she’d do this with anyone who observed her behaviour and mentioned it to her.

Yes, letting them know it’s not working is your honest reality and perhaps then you can have extended space from the person. You can see how you feel having a break from them and whether you want to permanently disengage or whether there’s any hope for the friendship. I’d say it does come down to the other person taking responsibility for behaviour which to date doesn’t seem to have happened. Otherwise it’s just going to be you trying to deal honestly and constructively with the friendship while they exhibit resentment and bullying behaviours which is really not healthy for you.

Take care and listen in to what feels right for you. I have found as certain doors close, other opportunities open up. So see how you go and if the friendship does end it will give you more time and energy for other connections.

Best wishes,

ER