Passive Aggressive Friend

[AnotherRandomUser]

My friend has been depressed lately, while Ive been sick, and while Ive tried to be there for them despite my own limitations, theyve been controlling and passive aggressive lately and Im finding it hard to cope.

They keep saying everything is fine when I ask if theyre upset with me, but almost every conversation we have they drop some hint theyre mad at me or judging me in some way. (Often about how I manage money, my time, or my health.)

But theyre also sneaky about it in a way I cant call them out on it without them being able to deny it.

They also compete with me by suggesting their problems are worse than mine, or complain when I can do something they cant. Usually to invalidate the things Im going through or to suggest their needs are more important than mine.

And finally, theres a hobby they love and every chance they get they try to convince me to do it with them. Usually I try to put some time aside to do just that but lately Ive been sick so havent been able to join them. It takes a lot of energy.
But now if I do anything else, they make a comment about it (aka you cant be that sick if you can do that) or insult it (insinuate its no good and they wouldnt do it), and then bring up their hobby again (aka if your well to do that then do this with me.) Its unfair because the things Im doing are chores/needs, and the few things I do that are fun are way less difficult and take less time than their hobby. Its just little things to pass the time while sick. Im not avoiding their hobby, its just too hard for me right now!
But honestly, even when we do their hobby (I often push myself), they then sometimes make comments that Im enjoying it wrong too, so I really cant win anyway!

All and all, I dont know how to cope with this. I really wish theyd just talk to me outright so we can figure out a compromise or I can stand up for myself at least.
Ive tried to gently bring it up so as not to cause a fight, but when I do, they deny it or say they didnt mean it that way. So it doesnt work.

And unfortunately because they make comments so often, Im paranoid at everything they say now. I think, is this another hint? Is this about me? Are they mad again? I dont even know anymore! I never used to feel this anxious talking to them. It used to be easy. And now I think, how can I can I confront them if I doubt myself? If I dont know if it is always about me?

And the worst part, despite the fact their my best friend... lately I havent been wanting to talk to them, or hang out with them. Not out of spite, but because their comments make me so stressed, I dont have fun anymore. I feel controlled and bullied. I admittedly, want to avoid them and I feel like a jerk for it.

So is there a way to confront them on this because I dont know how, Im so scared that if I confront them more aggressively on this, their going to hate me and deny it again anyway. But if I dont, I worry Ill destroy our friendship anyway because Im withdrawing more and more, and I think its only making them angrier. But what can I do, they wont talk to me about it!? Can I fix this at all?

[Croix]

Dear AnotherRandomUser~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum and I think if you look around you might find others in similar situations where one person is trying to control and belittle another.

Frankly I think you are asking the wrong question, it is not "Can I fix this at all" but should be "Can my friend fix it all" as they are the ones that are generating all the trouble.  If their  behavior has gotten so bad you are actually avoiding contact then one would have to ask are they a "friend " at all?

In true friendship one person looks out for the welfare of the other and tried to smooth their path though life, the same is matched by the other person. This does not sound at a all like the relationship you are having with this person. Even worse it is making you feel guilty and inadequate.

Feeling guilty and inadequate I've found in my own case, -and that of others here, is a human trait where if one is treated badly over time one tends to regard it as one's own fault - a completely wrong if common idea.

You are only being sensible to avoid someone who makes you feel bad - it is up to them to make you feel better.

Although difficult may I suggest you do  not regard them as your best friend, also that if the relationship is to improve they are the  ones that have to do the heavy lifting and  change their behaviour.

May I ask if the is someone in you life who is on your side? A family member or friend perhaps whom you can talk with frankly and say what is happening and how you feel. The do not have to 'fix' anything, just listen and show they care. Trying to cope with all this while it is your 'best freind' that is damaging you is extra hard.

If you need an outside perspective why not give 1800RESPECT a ring or text, they are the experts in controlling situations and are a comfort, easy to deal with and give good advice

You know you are always welcome here

Croix

[AnotherRandomUser]

Thanks for your reply.

The thing is we used to have a really good friendship where I thought we could be honest and open, and gave each other support. But they came off some antidepressants, and its like their entire attitude has changed.

I no longer feel like I can talk to them about anything because its always laced with passive aggression and controlling comments, and it feels like they generally dont care about my well being or interests. They still say the usual nice things, but its coupled with anger and spiteful comments, so it doesnt feel legit anymore.

I told myself too that this aggression was just because they were depressed and to let it go until they got it sorted, but some of the things theyve been saying makes me think theyve been hiding a lot of resentment towards me for a long time and lying to me about it. That things were never actually good, they were just saying whatever I wanted to hear and then hating me behind my back. Since they came off their meds, its out in the open, and it hurts so much to hear.

And because of that, I no longer know where I stand with them. Even if they stopped being abusive to me, then theyre just going to start lying to me again. How can I build a friendship on that? How can I trust them?

And thats why Im reluctant to talk to them too, I know their just going to say what I want to hear, and I wont get anywhere.
But even if they do talk about it, a lot of their newly admitted opinions they have about me, upsets me, and makes me question if I want to be friends. They seem to look down on me a lot and I had no idea until now. Is there anything they can say thats going to make that any better?

Also this new control thing, telling me what I can and cant like. I dont want to be friends with someone who doesnt care about my needs and interests, and only theirs! What happened to us being equals? I dont even want to talk to them about my life now, because I cant trust any positive thing they say, and the negative stuff hurts.

Sorry Im on a tangent, but your right, I dont think this is something I can fix, this is something they need to. I cant have a real friendship with someone who refuses to be upfront and honest with me.
I guess Im in a bit of denial, their my closest friend, or so I thought. Now I dont know what to think. It just sucks when everything is amazing one moment, and then falls apart the next.

I might call that number, because I dont have other friends and family I can talk to about this. We do have one friend in common who might relate, but I feel Id be going behind their back doing that. I should really try to talk to them myself first I think. I dont want to be a jerk even though Im hurt.

But thanks, I think I needed a nudge to realized that no, its not normal to feel this miserable talking to your friend. There is something wrong, and its not okay.

[Croix]

Dear AnotherRandomUser~

I guess the thing you need to find out is if their current behaviour is due to withdrawal from a medication they actually needed, or if in fact bullying, controlling and disparaging you is their normal nature

I have been on meds that did change my nature, though in my case to a more aggressive one, and when I ceased them I return to how I was before.

It can be just about impossible to put to one side memories of all the good things that have happened in the past, but unhappily the situation has completely changed and it does not look like you have a friend now, just a source of worry and hurt.

Have you made any decision or plans about what you are going to do?

Croix

[AnotherRandomUser]

Yeah thats true. Ive come off meds and been absolutely awful, so I know what its like to be on the other side of that too. And if thats the case, while I cant let them treat me bad every time they have a bad day, I do hope we can figure out a way for us both to cope. If not, then we may not get along in future.

Anyway for now I told them the truth, that I felt they were being passive aggressive and its upsetting me, that I dont know how to talk to them about it right now, and so I need some space for a bit to clear my head and that wed talk about it seriously later once I feel Im in a headspace I can deal with it.

Because I think right now, Im just feeling really hurt and I think itd make it hard for me to sort it out without getting anxious or being dramatic. If I walk away for a bit, I can calm down, look at things reasonably, and then maybe we can have a proper talk about it and sort it out. I dont want to lose them as a friend, because they are usually awesome and Id hate to lose that, but I dont want to feel attacked and judged either. So while I take some time to myself, Im going to figure out my own boundaries and how I feel, and how we can work it out if we can.

But thanks for talking me through this, its helped. Im not always good at coping with conflict, my anxiety always gets the better of me and makes it harder. But I feel I have a plan now, so gunna do my best to sort it out.

[Croix]

Dear AnotherRandomUser~

That sounds like a very sensible plan. You do not want to lose them but cannot put up with bad treatment - what could be more reasonable? You know yourself and if you have to try to argue or explain without preparations emotion may well take over, so a plan is a good way of overcoming this.

It also gives you friend a chance both to see how serious the situation has become and also reflect on how their actions and words have made this happen.

I hope this works and you come to some agreement, I guess in part it depends upon the  degree of affection each of you has for the other - it has to be a partnership, not one-sided.

If you wanted to say how you went that would be great

Croix

[AnotherRandomUser]

I figured Id give an update... sorry its been a while.

After a break I did confront them on things. Their response was basically "I wasnt doing it, and even if I was, its your fault for taking it personally/getting offended." The irony is they kept defending against things I hadnt even mentioned yet, so they certainly knew what they were doing.

Eventually I gave the ultimatum of, if you do it again, we wont be friends. And they agreed they would "be careful not to say the wrong thing" in future. And it did stop, for a time.

Anyway, I think I think I found out why they started acting different with hints they gave (though I could be wrong). It seems they have a love for a specific media, which I do not share. They were jealous that I liked a different media, and wanted to make me hate the one I liked, and like their thing. But it didnt work, and when it didnt work, they got mad at me, and started making personal attacks. Until I called them out for being passive aggressive.

So now we are here... well, theyve since hinted that I was their "favourite friend" and then started talking about some other friend, whom I presume has replaced me as their favourite? I honestly dont care, but they bring them up in a way that makes me think theyre trying to make me jealous? Which is dumb. Im not.

But the more annoying thing is, the media I like has topics about discrimination... and my friend has decided that in order to prove my thing sucks, they approve of being discriminating now. Which ironically, insults me too, as Im one of the marginalized groups its about. I dont think they realized.

So I called them out on being discriminating, and they tried to convince me its good to be discriminating. When that didnt work, they said they have to be discriminating, because their friend is. Which I also didnt accept.

And now their sulky and angry again. And Im getting sick of it.

I think the most uncomfortable thing about all this is, is its starting to feel less about media, and more about them wanting something I cant give. You see, Im aroace, I dont do relationships, Ive told them as much... and Im starting to think maybe, theyre not coping with that. Its almost like they wanted me to share in their favourite media as a way to be closer to me, and are now getting mad because I didnt want to. I might be wrong, but it sure feels like thats whats happening.

And ironically, its going to destroy our friendship as a result. Because honestly, Im getting a bit done with being controlled and insulted.

So yep... thats how thats going I guess.

[Croix]

Dear AnotherRandomUser~

Welcome back. I'm afraid in the intervening period things have not gone well with that  circle of people, and in fact it sounds like a lot of guesswork on your part together with  a lack of cooperation on theirs (sorry to be blunt)

I guess maybe the best way to start is to consider what makes up a true freind. It does not need to have anything to do with sex, and can start wiht acquaintanceship and lead on to being comfortable with someone, and being able to trust they will do thier best for you -in hte same way you do your best for them. You do not have to live in each others pockets.

It does not involve guesswork, as realy that should be reduced by honest talk. I've no idea what theymean by discriminating, it is very easy to say that precludes aorace persons,  Then it may mean the opposite, they are discriminating enough to see the real you . As I said it is a maze of guesswork and that is no help.

I also find anyone that turns the blame back -"it's your fault you feel this way" to be shallow and non empathetic.

Do you think it might be a good time to step back and see if all this is worth it? Maybe it might be possible to find other people as you go though life who are happy to accept your aorace and not have unrealistic expectations? In fact do you have anyone like this now to lend you support?

Croix

[AnotherRandomUser]

(Sorry my last post was poorly written. Im trying to be vague so they dont know I wrote it if they find it online but now I realize some parts dont make a lot of sense.)

But your right, I basically got no answers as to why they started acting like that, and now Im just guessing. Which just isnt good. And at any rate, their still acting out, and its neither fun nor fair that I have to put up with them randomly getting angry and rude to me.

Even if Im right about why, I cant do anything to work it out with them if they wont talk about it.

I guess Im wondering now whether to dial our friendship back to just being acquaintances, so that if they ever decide to finally talk about it, they can reach out. Or just cutting my losses and telling them Im done.

Weve been friends many years so it would suck to lose them, but at the same time, the things theyve done have been very nasty, and I just dont know if that can be undone. So I guess I got some thinking to do.

At any rate, thanks for the support. I appreciate it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello AnotherRandomUser and wave to Croix,

I can relate to aspects of your experience with your friend as I had some similar friendships in the past. In fact the dynamic with my best friend from high school was quite similar. It took me a long time to fully identify I wasn’t being treated well at times and then a lot longer before I finally disengaged from the friendship (many years after finishing high school in fact).

What I have learned over the years is that with a really genuine friend you won’t feel uneasy in the relationship. They do not compete with you and do not get jealous of you. They are genuinely happy when things go well for you just as you are for them, and genuinely concerned for you when you aren’t going well just as you are for them.

Everything you describe does not sound like a healthy, supportive relationship. After spending time with a genuine friend you will feel nourished by it. You won’t be trying to figure out and question what’s happening. It does sound like a difficult situation and your efforts to communicate have not been met with understanding and empathy, as Croix has also identified.

So I do wonder if taking some space from this person is a good idea. It took me a long term to do that with people as I was such an agreeable, accommodating person even when I wasn’t being treated well. But now I have stepped away from several unhealthy friendships life is so much better. I have just a very small number of absolutely lovely friends who are extremely easy to be with. We respect one another with gentleness and kindness. I found that letting go of that which isn’t healthy enabled much more time and energy for healthy connections.

Those are just my thoughts in response to your posts. You sound like a lovely and considerate person who deserves a lovely and considerate friend who is as respectful to you as you are to them.

Kind wishes,

Eagle Ray