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Partner always working, feel lonely.

Korrine
Community Member

Hi all.

My partner started a new job last year and when he took it I was aware that there was going to be travel and long hours and I was fine with that. The first few trips he'd get me something small (which I was extremely grateful for) now when he comes home he is tired and cranky and flies off the handle about the smallest things (I dropped something on the floor and woke him up and he went off) for the first few days and then he goes back to normal. This month he'll only be home on weekends because of travel. While his away I feel lonely and upset. I don't have many friends because I'm a bit of a loner. I have tried to bring the subject up with him and he replies with "I'll find another job then", which makes me feel like I'm being stupid and overbearing. I love him more than anything else but I can't help feeling like this. I don't want him to leave his job but I'm feeling like I'm being put second to his job and to his friends as when his home he also gets asked to help his friends with their cars (because his a mechanic, yet when I asked him to look at my car he'd keep forgetting) or he sits on his phone or laptop and does more work rather then spend time with me.

Am I just being a drama queen or should I just accept everything and deal with the lonelness? We've been together for 3 years.

Thank you in advance.

4 Replies 4

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Korrine, welcome

Its seems to me there are 3 main issues.

1. Lack of quality time. When weekends are the only time you have together and he helps his friends best you plan the weekend better. The Saturday can be a picnic and a movie followed by dinner out. Ring him during the week and tell him your plans then give him a choice of two movies and two picnic locations..."indian or chinese good, what do you prefer".

Treat the Sunday as if its his day to do as he pleases. If he objects to the Saturday being a day for both if you then effectively there is no real relationship. If he replies "I'll get another job then"...reply "good idea".

2. Tiredness. I've previously been a shift worker so I know that feeling of a dropped plate. Accidents happen but not often. For the TV get wireless headphones.

3. Get an active life. Join light sports badminton, tennis, yoga and hobbies.

Google

Topic: boredom, the closed door to fun- beyondblue

Tony WK

Hello White Knight and thank you for the warm welcome,

There is defiantly a lack of quality time spent between us. Like I said he spends a fair amount of time on his phone, I've suggested that he put the phone down so we can talk but he just sighs and gets cranky and when I try to talk to him when his doing whatever on the phone he doesn't hear what I say, so I've essentially given up trying to have a conversation with him while he has his phone in his hand. But I will try that date idea, thank you 🙂

I know his very busy when his away, but a simple text or phone just to see how I am coping being alone (I have depression, anxiety and a tiny bit of BPD) but I will try that when he goes away again next week. And if that doesn't work well then yes, it seems there is no relationship there.

I understand how tired he is ( I worked 2 jobs, 13 straight days to help us out for about 3 months) but for something as simple as me closing windows to block out our housemates compressor so he could get a decent sleep and not be disturbed to turn into a screaming and crying match, that's a bit much.

I'm active, I chase children around all day haha so by the time I get home from work I am wrecked and just want to do nothing haha. But I will look into things like that so again thank you.

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Korrine, it sounds like you're both quite unhappy and tired at the moment.

The picture you paint of your partner is of someone who has a demanding job, and very little time for himself. It sounds like his life is full of perceived obligations: work during the week, sleep to recover, friends with requests to help them out, and requests from you on top of that.

From your side, it sounds like you're feeling second fiddle, and not a priority in his life. There's little sense in your posts that you have a life for yourself outside of the life with your partner, so when he's away it's a bit like being put into storage.

I'm wondering when was the last time you both sat down and asked each other how things are going. As in, you asking about how he's finding the new job, and him asking you about how you're coping. With the demands of a job that leaves you wrecked as well as children to look after you sound in need of some nurturing.

Korrine
Community Member

Hi JessF,

He doesnt really know how unhappy I am as I dont want to burden him with my feelings on top of his work. A few months ago it wasnt like this, he was home every night, we spent time together and it was great. Its as the months have gone by, his constant travel, emails and phone calls at all hours of the night that i've been feeling like this. Like I have said I know his busy but yes it does feel like im second fiddle in his life.

We talk about work nearly every night but the conversation somehow is based mainly around his work and about stuff i dont understand as i dont work in his field of work. I try and change the subject to my work but he doesnt seem interested at all so I just dont try.

The life i have when he is away is work, home to relax and cook dinner and then wait for his phone call so I can go to sleep.

And i should have worded that better I work in childcare so thats where i am chasing children around lol