Parable of the Abandoned Panda

AbandonedPanda · ‎04-04-2017

I have been with my partner for more than a decade. She is my world and is the most perfect thing that exists. I adore her and am madly in love with her. I show her her everyday and do my best to make her feel like a princess. We have always got along great and have built a wonderful life together. We've been through so much together, deaths,job stress, home stress, attempted suicide of 2 of my family but we supported each other and we got thru it. life was perfect for me....

Then in the last year, she has started getting really depressed. Always lathargic and doesn't want to do anything. I am always there to support her as her 'friends and family' are they are only there when they feel like it. I don't mind, I have got really good at locking my own issues away so I can focus on making her happy. As long as she is happy I am happy! I love her so much.

Things got bad when she told me it would be easier if she ended it all. My heart broke. I was there for her And we talked it through and I was able to show her the bright side of life. She went to bed peaceful and happy and I waited till she was asleep, locked myself in the bathroom and cried like a baby. It broke me.we got through it tho and things got better and she was much happier.

Then a few months ago she tells me she is not happy! She wants out. I plead with her not to throw away 10 years of good times for a few sad times. We talk and make a commitment to support eachother like we have always done. Things get better and I'm do everything I can to keep her happy while dealing with my own issues internally.

Then 1 day I get home from work and she's gone. No note, nothing, her stuff is gone an I fall apart. My perfect life crumbles as I am nothing without her. My beautiful princess has abandoned me! After a decade of supporting her, this is all I am worth. I have nothing left, I'm a mess without her! I can't function without her! She's my everything.

I get in touch with her and she says she needs space. I say u can have space but u can't give up on us over nothing! We are so worth it to try and fix it. She doesn't want to try! She's done. She has made up her mind and I cant change it. She chooses her friends over me, I am expendable.

I beg her to try because we are so great together but she doesn't want to believe it.I adore her, she is the love of my life and I would give anything 2 be with her, she is my soulmate. Without her I have nothing. This woman has broken my heart but all I need is her.

Just_Lost · ‎05-04-2017

I'm so sorry to hear of your sadness and heartbreak.

my situation is very similar, 16 years married no problems that I or anyone could pin point, Husband wants to separate and live his life on his own his own space doing his music, hi passion over me and my daughter but still give me a part of himself and hang out and have fun still.. I love this man unconditionally and he wants to throw it all away because he does not want commitment, responsibility, or to be beholden to anyone again. I have lost my whole being, my home, no friends, so alone and desperate. I fight to get through every hour of every day and feel I'm losing my battle. My heart goes out to you and hope you can stay strong.

Apollo_Black · ‎05-04-2017

Hey AP

All I can say is that I feel for you and I'm really sorry. Unfortunately some people don't see things the same way we do. We do all we can to make people happy but it's never enough. When they turn away from us we can't understand how easily they do it, especially after all we've been through.

This might sound strange but when I was going through marriage issues, I'd been to a work counsellor. They told me I'd lost my "sense of self". I got really angry at them because I couldn't understand what the hell that meant. It took me months to finally get it. I'd pretty much made my wife my life. She was up there on a pedestal. I was always concerned about her happiness. I wasn't happy when she wasn't happy (which was often). I'd always be conscious of not offending her, trying to avoid conflict and arguments. I'd rather just stay at home with her. I tried to fix her multiple problems. I'd basically nerfed my personality for a quiet, trouble free life (which wasn't trouble free).

Now I'm not saying we're in the same position/had the same type of relationship/etc, but I think we need to be careful not to make our partners/husbands/wives/etc our whole life. We need to maintain our own individuality, our hobbies, our passions, look after our own needs, have firm boundaries - this is our sense of self.

I know this doesn't help your pain. You'll be riding the rollercoaster for a while. But you'll be ok. Get in touch with friends. Eat well. Try and rest. Exercise. Touch base with your GP if you need to. Talk with us here (I'm more than happy to listen and do what I can to help). In time you might think about getting back in touch with a hobby or something you've let slip by over the years. Also, I'd look into a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover (you can downlaod it onto your phone or tablet if you want to).

MarkJT · ‎05-04-2017

AbandonedPanda, first of all i want to welcome you to the forums. Yes it is under circumstances that are far from ideal but this is what this place is for. For others who have walked in your shoes and also have traveled mental health journeys to help you out with advice and support.

I feel for you massive with what has happened to you, a truly horrible situation to be in.

It seems that you have two options to choose from, to persist with trying to get her back or two move on.

Which ever you choose and only you can make that choice, you are going to need to make sure that you look after yourself, both mentally and physically.

It is crucial that in the fist instance, you get to the GP and discuss this with him or her. You are going to need some assistance to get through this period of time, which ever way it goes. You need to discuss what has happened and how you are feeling.

You need to make sure that your diet is really good, lay off the alcohol, drink plenty of water and healthy drinks and exercise. It would also be a good thing if you start practicing mindfulness. There is a great app called "Smiling Mind" which will help guide you through it and teach you it.

You need to be strong and as you are not in the best of places, this is going to be difficult so the more attention you pay your mental and physical health, the better equipped you will be to get through this.

It would appear that your girlfriend is experiencing some kind of mental health episode. Are you able to try and convince her to see the GP also?

If you persist with trying to get her back, it is going to take a heavy mental toll on you so please see the GP and get some guidance on how to travel this path that you are on.

We are here to help support you through this journey that you are on so please post back and ask any questions you want or just to chat away.

Mark.

AbandonedPanda · ‎05-04-2017

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. Her family has a history of depression. She can see it in others but I guess symptom to the illness cannot identify the signs in herself. Or maybe she doesn't want to. Her way of coping with all this is to go out drinking and partying with her friends which does nothing for her mental health.

I feel I have tried everything, I talk to her about it, I suggested meditation, reading a quiet book, taking a walk, calming music when going to sleep, I've tried colouring books and to paint her feelings out by she only wants to bottle up her feelings. When they do come out it seem to be to run away or to call it quits. It's so hard as I can see her struggle but she doesn't want my help, she is happy enough spending hrs on end scrolling facebook/9gag or looking at crap on the internet. She doesn't want to do the wholesome activities.

She can see my point of view and how logical It all sounds when I tell her what I think is going on with her emotionally but then she just switches to cold mode and says she needs to figure it out for herself. From my own experience, then person never achieves this on their own. They need help and support as without those network they jst keep spiralling downward until it's too late.

she won't listen to me though and I'm lost and don't know what to do. She is my everything and I love her and adore her. I am just struggling with how to help her. It hurts so bad to see her like this.

Apollo_Black · ‎05-04-2017

It's not your job to fix her. If she wants your help then sure, go ahead. You've said you've tried everything. So it's time to stop doing what's not working. I think the answer lies in you. You said without her you are nothing. Others have their opinions on this but no-one should be your everything. You are your own person with your own feelings and your own life. Yes, you can share it with someone, but you can't make them everything. I'm really sorry for what you're going through but you need to stop trying to fix her. It's not your job. It's hers. Focus on you and getting back to your life. As hard as it sounds try not to contact her and definitely don't plead with her to come back. Do you have friends you can confide in, hang out with???

AbandonedPanda · ‎05-04-2017

We have some mutual friends and some who I thought would be there for me have now disappeared to hang out with her. I feel alone and isolated. The friends I have thought I thought I could confide in have no time for me now.

I know I should be doing all these positive things but I just feel so down and do not want to do these as they don't make me happy anymore. Whether I try to ignore it or not she is part of my life, even works in the same building and I can't help but think about her all day. In all our time together there hadn't been a day when we hadn't spoken to eachother... until Monday and it almost killed me.

blondguy · ‎06-04-2017

Hi AbandonedPanda

Ive just read your thread and I can feel your pain. You are in a bad place. You have also tried so very hard too

There are great posts above from Just Lost, Apollo Black and MarkJT who have given sound advice

At this stage you have exhausted all of your options.

Apollo Black and MarkJT are super supportive and correct but your partner has no interest.

I know that isnt what you want to hear Panda but its only my take on whats happening

People do achieve the need to heal on their own Panda. I am one of many with depression that has sought help.

You mentioned "when I tell her what I think is going on with her emotionally but then
she just switches to cold mode and says she needs to figure it out for
herself"

Unfortunately you cant tell your partner what you think or recommend for her own emotional well being. She will only put up barricades. This is her call...not yours.

If your partner refuses to accompany you to a joint GP/Counselor visit you efforts will be futile

Please be gentle to yourself and have a chat to your GP asap. You cant do anymore except care for yourself Panda

You have to step back now.....for your own sake.

you are not alone here....I have been through the same and yes...it hurts....big time. We are here if you need us

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

AbandonedPanda · ‎06-04-2017

I have always been the one to ask the hard questions regardless of the outcome. I feel that we have been through enough together that deep down my opinions and thoughts will eventually count for something. If everyone just glazed over the fact that she is depressed how is she going to figure it out for herself. A depressed person never thinks they are depressed.

How low does the person have to get before someone reaches out to help them. No one can do it on their own, generally because people don't want to see what is really going on. It's upsetting knowing that something is wrong may be wrong with you. Sometimes the honesty from a person that loves them the most can be enough to give them something to think about. Sure I can't tell her what to do or feel, that is up to her but I also just cannot ignore what is really going on.

Think of it like an intervention for alcoholics or drug addicts. A true friend would never ignore what is going on, a true friend would ask the hard questions. The weak give up and the strong keep fighting even when the outcome may be futile. Contrary to advice, I will never give up on her as I know her friends and everyone else eventually will. Because when the tough gets going the 'weak friends' disappear, only the strongest survive.

Opinions I guess are like mouths, everyone has got one but I am not ever willing to give up hope, because sometimes hope is the only thing we have left.

geoff · ‎06-04-2017

hello AbandonedPanda, it's always a difficult situation when the person you love has depression and then wants to leave the r/ship, because there is always someone who is left devastated and feels lost, however this is no different than somebody asking their spouse/partner why they have depression on a constant basis, it's not what they want, so being with someone may not be like that but they feel conscious as though they will have to give them an answer, and by leaving then they won't have to do this they will be by themselves or doing they usually don't do.
For me 'I wasn't happy when she wasn't happy (which was often). I'd always be conscious of not offending her, trying to avoid conflict and arguments' as said by Appollo Black which was also the exact same for me, because if my wife was cross then there was no harmony in the household.
I wonder if this is a stable or healthy environment, well everyone has their own opinion, but for me, NO, it certainly wasn't, because she was actually in control of our marriage, behave and treat us as she felt fit, yes there was love between us, but it wasn't a healthy marriage, where she could use her moods so that she could control what was going to happen.
'I know that isn't what you want to hear Panda', ( Paul), but how many times do you expect this to happen if you get back together, love is strong but it has to be mutual. Geoff.