I need some help.. I dont know if I'm over reacting...
My husband spent time with 3 close friends as at neighbors house and which to my knowledge was a few drinks ect.
A phone call later that day to ask him if he needed a lift.. I couldn't understand him or his friends. Not thinking too much about it I left and thought he will make his way to me or worst case I'll collect him on way home.
My husband found his way to me eventually with a friend, he was acting strange... not his normal drunk self and suspect he was on something stronger. I asked him... he said no... i asked his friend he said nah he's drunk a bottle.. and then left in his car. Mean while my husband acting strange but I trusted them both and went with it.
Next morning he didn't have a normal hang over... i said wow lastnight I could have sworn you where more then drunk... he laughed it off.
Thought nothing again as I trusted him.
Following weekend I was told he and my girl friends brother had tried cocaine. I said no he said he was just drunk.
When I returned home I asked him nicely and said there was a rumor he was on cocaine... he was acting strange again but said no... i trusted him with his answer.
That night I was sick to the stomach thinking... my husband was a lier... i felt like the biggest bitch for doughting him but my gut said he lied.
Today as I could feel my heart breaking and my eyes swelled with tears I told my husband I didn't believe him. I called him a lier to his face.... i cant described the pain my heart felt.
He then replied that he had tried cocaine and my heart broken again.
I don't mind the reason behind him trying it. But the lie of not coming clean when asked 4 times is hurting me..
The hate I have for his mates for leaving him with me and my daughter whilst he was high hurts.. and that his mate (who was in our wedding) lied to my face. What happened if he reacted badly and he hurt either of us or worse went into a coma and I didn't know what to tell the ambos. Or died and I found out through bloods he had taken drugs without telling me.
I feel as tho I can't trust his friendship group anymore nor him after lying for so long....
Am I over reacting???
I can't sleep and when thinking about it i actually want to throw up. My heart has a consistent pain since yesterday and its getting worse.
We have the best relationship so I'm so confused...
Hey and welcome JL;
It's not great when 'finding out' stuff within marriage or relationships occurs. But it happens, and dealing with it as you have is a step in the right direction. Yes, it hurts deeply, I know. It's good you've reached out. I want to be helpful in any way I can ok?
I am concerned you may need to seek help from a psychologist or counsellor. I also feel you and your husband may benefit from couples counselling. (We here on BeyondBlue forum, can only respond as community members and not professionals. So any advice is from an observer's point of view)
I'd like to ask if you could put a specific question to us relating to your feelings and what you want from the forum. You've given a great description of how things led up to your heart break. Where do you want to go from here? We're here for you..if you just want to talk, that's fine. If you have questions or want someone who's been through similar to respond, let us know.
Kind and warm thoughts...Dizzy (hugs)
Jaime, well done on coming onto the forum and asking the question to get other peoples views. That's what they are here for.
It is a hard one and although i can see why you are hurt, he lied because he knew he did something wrong and didn't want you to know. By the sound of it, it was a once off and he is not a regular cocaine user. Silly thing to do? absolutely but personally I don't think it is a breach of trust to the extent of cheating on you.
When he lied to you the first time, he dug a hole for himself so when you asked the second time, he would have thought that if he came clean he will get in trouble so lied again, so the 3rd time, he is now thinking that he would really be in strife so he is digging an even deeper hole. Eventually when he has come clean, he has decided to fess up and take the consequences. I would be more concerned if you knew he had taken it and maintained the story that he had not.
Do i think you are over reacting, possibly a bit yes but that is not to say you shouldn't be pissed off. Your partner lied to you.
As for his mates, that's what mates do. Unless it is something exceedingly dangerous that he did or something incredibly stupid, mates will lie for mates. Not in any way putting all this back on you but have you ever lied or covered up for a mate?
Try and not delve into the ifs and buts, they do you no good. I have lived a mental health journey that involved a lot of ifs and buts and did nothing else other than hurt me. It is natural to do this, but you need to control your mind as at the end of the day, his health appears to be okay and nothing happened after you collected him.
You have an excellent relationship and all relationships go through patches of uneasiness. This appears to be on face value a one off mistake by him, don't punish yourself for it, have a chat to him and clear the air. Your future with him is bright and this can be a learning exercise.
I do not condone illicit drugs in any sense of the word but i feel that you are punishing yourself for your husbands mistake and one that can be cleared up.
Again, well done for reaching out and hopefully my words have answered some questions but please do not hesitate to post further questions or queries.
Hi Jaime Louise,
I feel that when you have a strong gut feeling like you have just described, it is not there for a no reason and confronting this is not a bad thing. It sounds like you have worked on keeping a level head when doing so and made your feelings clear on how you felt by being deceived.
It is a fine line between experimenting with drugs and drug addiction as we do not know if it is going to grab us by the horns.
Your feelings on what has happened are best aired and sitting down with you husband discussing how you feel and what you need out of a relationship is never a bad thing. Mark is correct when he said relationships have up and downs. It is how we ride them through and we are never mistake free, because this is how we grow.
Talking to someone who is removed from the situation could help you work through your thoughts and actions.
Keep honest and open with yourself,
Thanks for sharing. I can't speak highly enough of the guidance, advice, and support you have received from the contributors above. Each makes a set of excellent points, which you should take under consideration and use to guide your emotional response to this, as well as your plan to get through it.
What I will add to this is per gld's point - there is a fine line between experimenting and addiction. Cocaine is one seriously addictive drug as it creates a massive psychological dependence and hits many of the pleasure centers within the brain. There is no sugar coating this - cocaine addiction can and will destroy families, lives, relationships, and everything it touches.
Although you were lied to, mislead, and betrayed to a degree, the first order of business here is ensuring that your husband is a) not using this drug ever again; b) is not spending time with the people or in situations where he may use; and c) is getting help immediately to ensure there is no repeat usage. You can get all the emotional support in the world, but if he keeps using this drug life will not get better. First, he must pledge to and take action toward 100% sobriety; second you can work on fixing the trust issue and the emotional residue it has left you with.
He has to commit to this, please ensure you work through this with together and the rest will fall into place. Sobriety is the critical component here. All the best.