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Ongoing platonic relationship within four days of ending the affair

Community Member

Until four weeks ago I had an ideal marriage. We were deeply in love, fully open and honest with each other. She totally agrees with this assessment in counselling since the affair. She still loves me.

My wife fell into an affair with a colleague at work - 'connection' => flirtation => and despite my warnings, stepping over the line. It has involved constant secret messaging in the mornings and into the night, probably all day at work, along with secret meeting up when she was out on 'errands', including kissing. She says they haven't slept together. She went from competely honest to lies and sneaking around. When I discovered it, bit by bit, she gave false assurances at each step, but she refused to stop even though I barely slept most nights and had been unable to work for 3 weeks. She insisted she still loved me.
Eventually the other guy's wife fell pregnant so he ended it monday week ago.
In trying to reconcile she made no effort on her side because she 'couldn't process it right now' so I agreed to go away last thursday for two weeks to give her space. On Friday, the very next day, he messaged her again. She told me this Saturday morning and said it was unwelcome and she wished he was out of his life. Yet she met up with him some hours later, an example of the kind of misleading she had done all along and how much power it has over her. I only discovered this on Sunday with a direct question from 130km away. I have her space to help us focus on our marriage and she is back to messaging and meeting up with him. She claims it is just a platonic friendship now (4 days after it was an affair), that they won't cross the line, and refuses to stop. She says if I love her I should be glad she has a wonderful connection with another person. When I asked if she had met up with him again she said she had on Sunday but that my fixating on him is not going to help (our marriage). She has constantly warned me that giving an ultimatum would make her want to go the other way.

She is in counselling, does love me and doesn't want our marriage to end. She agreed to talk to the counsellor about this issue tonight.
What do you think? Is she right that I'm overreacting by objecting to her refusal to stop the contact with this guy outside of work? I do know what I think, I think I know what most people think but I'm so alone in this. I just want to hear other views from any perspective including disagreement with me.

2 Replies 2

Community Member

hi Abstraction.

You have every right to feel the way you want too because her behaviour is way out of line and is really unhealthy. It is not healthy in any way for anyone to be exploring other options that they are not entitled when they should be watering their own garden. Do what you need to do to look after your health because you are more important than anything.

Community Member
Your wife is being very disrespectful to you and your marriage. How would she feel if the tables were turned.