On the edge of wanting divorce

[pvroom]

Hi, I have so many issues in my life but the biggest thing right now is that I'm so unhappy in my marriage.

How am i supposed to know how to decide whether to separate or not? We have a 2 yr old and I cannot stand the idea of shared custody and honestly, that is the main reason for staying together for me. He doesn't support me the way I need. He is so negative and unhappy himself but he won't do anything about it, he will just let it go on and on - both for him personally and in the relationship.

I feel truly like I'm in a hopeless situation!

[Apollo_Black]

Hey, have you had some pretty open discussions about where you guys are at with him?

Does he know how you need to be supported? What are you unhappy about?

Nothing is ever hopeless, even though it may seem that way. I think if there is some commitment from either side then there is always hope for turning things around. If he was willing to help himself would you commit to trying to make it work? Have either of you tried counselling either individually or together?? I have seen any of your other posts so don't know what you've discussed already

[pvroom]

Hi Apollo Black - yes we have had many conversations. He rarely says anything except acknowledges that he takes me for granted. We have gone to counselling together and it did help in terms of communicating better, but it didn't last. We both have our issues of course but I have been going to counselling alone for the past 1.5 years and have made significant changes to my life, stress levels etc but he doesn't really appreciate it, he says he can see a big difference. He is depressed. He tried medication but it made him feel foggy and he hated it. He has gone to a few counselling sessions but says talking doesn't help.

If he could get past some of his negativity and depression and be more hopeful about life, then I could stay. As it is, I am so sad as I feel like he is limiting my potential

[Apollo_Black]

That's a tricky one pvroom. He really needs to take ownership of getting on top of those things, but if he can't see a way forward then nothing happens. Has your counsellor shed any light on how you can approach this? Has your husband been specific about what he's negative about?

[pvroom]

Hi Apollo Black, our son was very sick when born and then has suffered ill health ongoing - he is nearly 2. My husband feels like it will never improve and that we can't go anywhere or do anything because my son will feel poorly and it will ruin it. We don't have very good family support and are both exhausted. I can't really explain it enough in just words, it's so hard to convey how difficult it has been and continues to be... My counsellor and I agree I can't push him, but they don't really tell me much more than that. It's hard

[Apollo_Black]

I'm sorry to hear that you've been through so much. Do you mind me asking what's going on with your son's health??

[Apollo_Black]

Also, does your husband get out and see friends much?

[pvroom]

Hi Apollo Black, my son has severe gut problems and allergies. He was premature, very sick when born with severe breathing problems and meningitis. So he doesn't sleep well ever, he requires a lot of help to sleep, he hasn't eaten well since birth, we've had a lot of feeding problems, he has had several procedures and hospitalisations.

Regarding my husband, not really. He is very stuck to his uni friends and they have all spread out, have kids etc so it's hard for them to catch up. We moved to a different city - from Melb to Geelong - a few years ago. It's been great for me, I've made great friends, but he hasn't made any connections really except one through work. It's a shame but I can't force it. When he has time to himself (we have 2 hours each to ourselves on Saturdays - that's literally all we can do) he tends to do yard work or maybe ride his bike. He is just really depressed I guess

[Carla09]

I have 2 kids..my younger one is ftt..and is being tested for an array of things so i can relate to the stress and anxiety....i think perhaps your husband needs to connect to others in a similar situation...i found listening to podcasts about parenting or ones like 'bringing up betty' very useful in feeling less alone in my worries...i would often play them to my husband so he could hear stories about couples or people struggling with thier own children and health concerns

[pvroom]

Thanks for this idea Carla09 - that's good advice. I will look those up, we love podcasts

Re your younger child - ours is lucky to have avoided being tube fed (he was at birth for a week) but since then so I can really sympathise.