Not Sure Where To Put This, Just Want To Run Away

[MiVitaLuna]

I have 4 children and my eldest son is married with 2 children. We have always been a very close family but since he married this girl we have had many family fights and she has tried to pull our family apart several times. She has no contact with her own family and has called the police on her own mother and refuses to let her family see the grandkids. So we have had a lot of conflict with this girl. So much so it has caused me so much stress, anxiety and depression. There has been a couple of times where I have refused to talk to her due to her treatment towards me (throwing food across the room at me when called her out on a lie, and having a go at me for not taking time off work to look after the kids so she could go and do her studies. We were trying to save up for their wedding and I could not afford the time off). She also kicked my other son out of their home and called the police on him when he refused to leave until his brother got home to confirm that he could not longer stay there. We later found out she told the police that she feared for her life with him in the house. He lived with them at the time and I can assure you she was in no danger.

So despite all the other things she has done that I have not mentioned. They all came to see us for my birthday and she began a fight with the son that she kicked out (he moved back with us). My dad was here and so was my daughter and grandkids. She yelled, screamed and argued that we were not supporting her and that she has every right to kick people and refuse people to see her children. My son retaliated and called her out on her lies and my son who is married to her, began to throw punches at my other son. She has deleted us from facebook, blocked us from seeing the grandkids and I know that she will do all she can to not allow us to see the grandkids.

To top this off I currently have health anxiety which has increased since I have found out through several tests that there may be something concerning after my last ultrasounds. I am so scared of anesthetics that I am trying to convince myself to go and have the surgery to get the biopsies but I am so scare of dying that I am too scared to go and get the procedure done. My greatest fear is dying of cancer like my grandmother, yet I need this procedure. This has caused me a lot of stress, lack of sleep and constant anxiety! I feel like I am ready to run. Please help. I am trying to see a psychologist but I have a long wait to get in.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi MiVitaLuna,

I feel this is such a stressful and complex situation involving your daughter-in-law. I could sense your frustration, exhaustion and fears in your words...it must be so overwhelming for you.

She has clearly caused you and your family a lot of emotional pain and stress. She sounds emotionally volatile, manipulative and aggressive...

I would suggest documenting all her actions with dates, times, etc in case you ever need it (e.g. document any inappropriate language or aggression towards you). I’m not sure what this will do but if she tries to manipulate the police again then at least you will have a “case” to defend yourself or defend/help other family members.

I understand that health anxiety can be very debilitating. Your recent ultrasounds must have been potentially worrying, and therefore feeding into your health anxiety. That must be so stressful.

Good on you for reaching out to a psychologist but I’m sorry about the waiting period. My gentle suggestion is to make use of various anonymous helplines to speak to a counsellor in the mean time. There is the BeyondBlue helpline on 1300 22 4636 plus other helplines as well.

I feel it can be helpful to talk to someone especially as you wait to see your psychologist. Even after you see your psych, you can still continue to make use of the helplines as a coping strategy...

You’re most welcome to continue writing here (as well as on any other thread). There’s no rush or pressure but it would be great to hear from you again. I know there are many compassionate forum members here who would like to support you...

Warm and kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Jigsaw9]

MiVitaLuna

Your daughter in law will definitely be classed as an overt narcissist. Yes she is very manipulative. I have had very bad experiences with a narcissist, namely my brother. What you need to do, as hard as it may sound, is keep away from her for a while even if it means not seeing the grand kids. It is very unfortunate to hear what your son done to your other son. Violence should not be tolerated on any level. It is absolutely not acceptable. I personallky have taken the view that if my narcissist brother is violent towards me or my brother, i will have no hesitation in calling the police. This is just my opinion though and of course every case is different. I also dont know the extent of the physical harm however i do hope your son is well. Dont encourage the siblings to make peace as it is too early at this stage. There is a few books that have helped me in my journey. If you're into reading let me know and i will recommend them. I thing they will help you on your journey to recovery. Hope this helps and good luck with it all.

[MiVitaLuna]

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I would love to know what books you can recommend. Thank you again x

[MiVitaLuna]

Thank you so much for your reply and advice. We are writing down everything she does and hopefully we can wrok towards seeing the grandkids again. I am sorry for the short reply. I am still lost for words as to what I can do and it is difficult to express how I feel at times. Thank you again x

[Peppermintbach]

Hi MiVitaLuna,

You’re most welcome and it’s lovely to hear from you again. Please don’t apologise. I feel there’s absolutely nothing to be “sorry” for...just take your time with writing here 🙂

I understand you’re going through a lot so, as I suggested, please just take your time with writing here. There’s no rush or pressure...just when and if you feel up to writing and sharing is more than okay.

I get what you mean by struggling with knowing what to say about yourself; I get that way sometimes too...

I also hope you’ll see your grandkids again too. You must miss them terribly...

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper xo