Not coping with break up

[melbbear]

Really struggling here. Boyfriend of two years left for a month’s overseas holiday 2 weeks ago. Four days into the holiday, he sends a message saying he’s not sure if the relationship is what he wants. I lost it and we had a massive blow out which ended with him blocking me on all social media. Two days later we talked via one of the hook up apps and said we'd discuss shit when he got back. The day after that a friend sent me a link to an Instagram account that featured pictures of my BF all loved up with some other dude . This wasn’t my bf’s account, it was the other dudes and the comments he’d attached to the pics made it sound like it was a new relationship – my bf and I hadn’t actually broken up at this point. I went crazy at this and called the Bf some not very nice names but I couldn’t belive what I was seeing and hearing. Basically he had met this dude who was also on holiday at the same place, hooked up and spent 5 days together before they
moved on to different parts of their respective holidays. They were going to meet up once more just before my ex Bf was due to return to Aus because they were now seriously in love and wanted to be together. My ex is now planning to return to Aus to sort out some stuff before trying relocate back overseas to be with this other guy.

I don’t know how to deal with this. The worst thing is that my last ex did EXACTLY the same thing to me. Ended our relationship while away and then me finding out via social media the reason why he was ending it was another guy. I don’t know how to deal with this. I feel worthless at the moment and that the relationships were just something to fill in time till something better came along. Just so easy to dispose of. Not important enough to break up with me in person.

[marcus_c]

Hey melbbear, doesn't it suck? I have been in situations where guys haven't had the guts to break up with me in person, or I've ended up forcing the issue because they're too scared too bring it up.

The common theme there is, they're not mature adults capable of commitment. It says a lot about them and nothing at all about you.

I've had a pretty tough couple of years with trying to find the right guy and it not working out. I've asked myself some tough questions over that time to figure out what it is that keeps me ending up in similar situations, and when you're ready, you might want to sit down and do this as well.

Please understand this is not about self-blame. Ditching you in that way is not your fault, it's crap behaviour. But I have a sneaking feeling if you think about your relationships with both these guys, going back to the early stages, there'll be red flags there that you may have chosen to ignore or not confront because you might have been too scared of rocking the boat. I was exactly the same!

That last line in your post, 'not important enough', says a lot to me. I have felt that way about myself for a long time, and when you think that way about yourself, you can inadvertently open yourself up to be hurt by others.

You are not worthless melbbear. Their crappy behaviour and lack of integrity is theirs to own. The take-out here is finding and believing in your own self-worth and using that to help you avoid guys like this in the future.

[Anton_]

Hi melbbear,

Thanks for sharing your story.

So sorry to read that you experienced this kind of disappointing turn in your relationship. As mentioned you spent some time expressing your feelings and emotions towards him through social media or phone and this can be a relief in some way.

However, these emotions, anger and disappointment have a message for you. How will you attend to them?What do they want to say to you? It is not necessarily blame or escalating these to something worse. It can be a healthy way of recognising the signs, reflecting on them and "protecting" yourself next time. Recognising our thoughts and feelings very early can be beneficial for the way we act.

Remember that how a person treats us does not define us, but them. We only have the power to respond accordingly in a way that does not create more anger and other difficult emotions for anyone involved. This is not happening overnight but it requires your commitment to stay strong and responsible for your own actions.

Thank you for sharing with is and releasing your pain.

Anton

[geoff]

hello Melbbear, I think that Marcus and Anton have pretty well summed it up, it's certainly not your fault but their inability not to be able to face you is a sign of their weakness.
I tend to believe that he had been communicating this other 'dude' before he left, silently in the background, and I'm not sure whether you were invited, but because of commitments you couldn't go, but I would have never gone o/s without my g/friend of 2 years, that's why he may have been talking with him.
You were in love with him, but unfortunately not the other way around, so you may have been taken advantage of, and if you were living together get him to write down what he wants to take, then you have the decision whether you will let him have or whether you want to keep them.
He has certainly done it the wrong way to end your r/ship. Geoff.