No love for my wife- is it all over

[Pete80]

Hi first time poster so bit nervous but here goes.

I'm Male 40, married for 10 years to my partner of over 20 years with two beautiful kids but....there is more.

Ever since the birth of our last child in 2013 I have had sex 5 times with my wife. Think about that. For me sex was such a large part of my life pre kids and i never considered it might one day stop certianly not in my late 30s. I still have a high sex drive and I find it very difficult to be denied time after time.

I've turned to porn to substitute the sexual craving because i cannot cheat and I never would.

Over the last two years I've become completely detached from my wife. I don't sleep in the same bed, I dont feel any sexual or physical attraction to her whatsoever. It's got to the point that I actually dont want to go anywhere with her. My social life is completely down the drain, I have no friends and basically no life. Apart from my love of the kids and outdoor activities (fishing etc) I have nothing.

I cant work out if I'm the cause of this or this is a genuine dislike of my partner. She says she loves me but honestly do not love her anymore.

I am a successful professional worker and i am think I am liked at work..I get on better with work colleagues than I do with my wife.

I truly do not know what to do. I have discussed this with her but we can never be civil as she just goes on the back foot instantly and throws all back on me.

I hate my life at the moment and I really want a solution to this shit. It really hurts me to think about what impact this might have on the kids and it upsets me to think what a life might be like without them all the time.

Any help much appreciated

Pete

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue.

I am sorry to hear how things have been between you and your wife despite having tried to talk to her about how things are. I can imagine you would be confused and perhaps blaming yourself if she throws it back at you.

I do wonder what you would like to happen?

I also think that intimacy is important to a relationship. that also depends on how it is shown as well. And if you are being distant to her then it might go the other way as well.

When you talk to your wife about this matter, did you talk in terms of "I"?

With random thoughts going through my mind, when I have to talk to my wife about something, I will start with what I would call a disclaimer but then I will say "I need to" or "I have this thought". .... and "it makes me feel..."

This way there may be less chance of the chat turning into a argument. You might also find the reason behind the reduced intimacy. And then work on that to find a waaty foward.

You could also talk to a relationship counsellor - you and your wife might be able to get some answers to the questions you raised.

[geoff]

Hello Pete, love is such a strange complexity, people say it just to calm their partner or spouse down in a situation to avoid any disagreement or it's been said only because you've been saying it for years.

For two young people love is very strong compared to a couple who have been married for 30 years who may still love each other because they've both been through up's and downs.

I only say this because she says she loves you, yet you both sleep in different beds and have been denied time after time and become detached from your wife, so can I ask you what does love mean.

I am sorry for not only how you are feeling but also what is happening, there is more that needs to be discussed, but will wait until you can get back to us.

Geoff.

[Betternow]

Hi Pete

Your situation as you probably are aware is not uncommon.

Physical intimacy can bounce around in frequency and intensity in all marriages but when the problem lasts 7 years and you are now sleeping in different bedrooms, you are right to call for help.

The first though I had is could your wife be suffering from depression ? The fact that these intimacy problems came soon after the birth of your second child might indicate undiagnosed problems.

Secondly, you say that discussion on this topic with your wife is nearly impossible because she gets defensive and throws the issue back at you. This suggests that communication with your wife on matters relevant to the marriage has fallen into a deep black hole. You may think I'm stating the obvious, but in my experience when spouses lose the communication link, resentment builds quickly and overflows into nearly all areas of the marriage e.g housework, parenting, financials, leisure pursuits.

It doesn't take much for that resentment to build into an active dislike. You're hurt by your wife's rejection, you then get into a negative mindset that blames everything that's wrong in the marriage to an absence of intimacy and these thoughts loop through your mind day after day. Am I right?

There's an old saying. Lack of intimacy in an unhappy marriage ranks at 90% importance but only 10% importance in a happy marriage.

I believe it is possible to fall in love again and it's worth trying again in a twenty year relationship, especially with two kids.

Try to persuade your wife to attend professional couples counselling for at least 6 months. If that doesn't work and you still feel the same way, then separation and divorce may be all that's left.

Good luck Pete.