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New relationship after divorce.

Deckt
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
I'm torn about this. I don't want to think that others have been in this situation, but need advice.

My ex-wife and I have been separated for 5 years, divorced for 3. We have a good working relationship, and agreed when we separated that we would put aside our personal issues, and do what was best for our sons.

I am out of work due to chronic health issues. Accordingly, I meet my child support requirements with a combination of financial and care needs. Specifically, I pay for my kids private health insurance, and care for them before and after school. My boys live full time with their mum - this is a good arrangement for them, for her and for me. In addition, I take them in the (rare) event that she has an evening out, or needs to go away for work.

The issue is with my new partner. She has the impression that I go 'above and beyond' to support my ex-wife. I have tried to explain to her many times that this is not the case, and on the contrary, I do very little. It is rare that our plans conflict with my parenting duties.

I have suggested that we go to counselling, and if the counsellor agreed that I am being unreasonable, to make changes. She is not willing to agree to the same.

Has anyone else had similar issues?

Thanks in advance.
18 Replies 18

Guest_1584
Community Member

So pleased to hear you haven;'t let you sons down and stand your ground , for you and for them, never ever lose that.

l was faced with similar with a new partner after divorce , no drinking problem but def' attempts of manipulation me away from my daughter and def' away from ex. Not on , just no way in hell. lt started a few days after we first met told her then and never wavered . Eventually she came around to the type of dad l will always be and even started showing interest so that kind of opened the door better for me to talk about my daughter and kind of let the gf in more. She even started being really helpful with advice and loved hearing about how she's going and stuff.

Mind you , l was often a bit suspicious and worried it might be tricks but we split up in the end anyway. My partner now has been 100% supportive from day one and loves that l'm a good dad and there for her and look after her.

Sorry not sure if yu should go so soon , did you go , how did it work out ?

.

Deckt
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Thanks for your response.

I know... it's so hard to know what the right thing to do is. Apart from making sure I'm doing what's best for my sons. I didn't respond at all to her call. I figure that if she's genuine, she'll try harder, and actually start with an apology. She's not super great at ever admitting that she's wrong. Just got to stay strong, I guess...

I mean - I get insecurity because I'm still in touch with my ex. But there is zero interest from either of us in getting back together. The only reason that we're on speaking terms at all is because we have kids together. And that's all we talk about. Meanwhile, she is friends with ALL of her exes. I don't have a problem with this, because I'm not insecure. It just seems to be a bit of a ridiculous double-standard?

Do some research on how narcs opperate. She is hoovering with the false apology. And yes you are spot on, she’s lonely. Going no contact is the only way. It’s hard as hell, but for your own mental health and healing. She will continue her spiral with or without you and eventually drag you down with her.

Yeah... that's what I suspect too. Every article I've read on malignant narcissists fits her very well. It's probably stupid, but I just don't want to believe it. I think that she's more likely BPD. For some people, I guess there's not much different. I feel like she's pushing at me to spend less time with my kids and with friends because she's insecure. It could just be what I want to believe though... borderlines can be treated. Narcs, not so much.

I'm in a no-contact mindset at the moment. I didn't respond to her call. One complication is that she left me three weeks ago. All of her things are still at my house, and we got a dog together. She wants her things, and wants to see our dog. I've told her that she can come and get her things - she has made appointments to do so, and just not shown up. Of course, she then blamed me, accusing me of not being home, or not answering the door. Not true, but how do you argue with outright denial of reality?

Anyways. Thanks for your thoughts and replies. I appreciate all opinions.

Guest_1584
Community Member

oh brother , l was a bit worried about that too thought no leave it alone. That partner of mine was bpd as best l could tell, she wouldn't see anyone. But yeah be very careful of her with your sons if you do keep seeing her, they will try to separate you., l never intoe'd her to my daughter bc l just didn't know what she might do.

If you find say 2 or 3 legit sites ran by real clinics they'll have tests you can answer . lt's not a proper diagnosis but if she scores higher end on all 3 well, it'll give you a pretty good idea.

Good luck anyway

Deckt
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

I'm not doing so great today.

I just feel so alone and abandoned. I mean... I know that she's manipulating me, but when you spend almost three years with someone, you still miss them when they are gone. I haven't seen her in almost a month now. In theory, her stuff is getting picked up next weekend. I'm torn between wanting to get it all gone, and move on with my life, and her finding an excuse not to come. Even though this is likely to just be more manipulation.

I hate having to be strong, when all I want is to hold her. I can't even tell her this, because (from past experience) she'll use it as an excuse to keep using me. I just want her to get help and return to being the loving person that she is when she's not drinking.

Guest_1584
Community Member

l'm sorry man , and l wasn't saying they were the same l'm no expert , but only that there seemed at least some big similarities though . l know it's not an easy thing not easy at all though. There's much more to the story of my ex but l'll just say l never thought l'd love again after divorce before l met her and we broke up and tried again many times but in the end l just had to walk away. But , that was my sitch /

Anyway hang in there and do what you think is best for you l guess.

Deckt
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

I'm really not doing so good tonight. I miss her so much, but I know that I can't back down on her drinking problem. I want to wait for her to realise that she needs help, but I don't know if that will ever happen.

What am I supposed to do now? I have nothing to look forward to. I feel so alone.

Guest_1584
Community Member

Sorry things are so low, l spent nearly 4yrs totally alone after my marriage so l sure know what that's like, but you ride it out , it passes in time , things change, new, olds, life, stuff, anything can change in a heartbeat right . Not talking about the gf there more just life, alone, everything. Gf though , so is it all only when she drinks is it, like is she normal and fine when she's not drinking , or just worse when she is drinking or ? .

Do you think she'd except your help to quit when she's not drinking or ? l mean if she's fine sober , if she would then maybe things might progress beet with your help.

Sorry , just thoughts really , l'm far from an expert. Hang in there though eh.