New member not sure where to start after chaotic year

[Tryingtoworkmyselfout]

Hi all, I'm not sure how to start posting here. I felt maybe creating my own thread was the best way ti proceed.

I am struggling with severe depression at the moment due to a range of issues.

I have had chronic pain for 2 years from a neck injury which happened at my work place. It got to a point where I could not handle the pain or stress any longer and moved interstate in January, back to where my family lives.

I had neck surgery (a c5/6 cervical fusion) in august which has helped the nerve arm pain tremendously however I seem to have become more depressed since surgery?

In may this year my partner of 2 years who had moved interstate with me, told me he did not want children and never would. This was after we had been trying unsuccessfully for 1.5 years. He also told me he did not think he was in love with me anymore or ever wanted to marry me.

We actually broke up last year as well for similar reasons however got back together around July last year. In this time he had severe drinking issues- he was hospitalised in a psych ward twice for self harm (the second incident in Nov was quite severe self harm). His family wiped their hands of him and asked me to look after him. I did because I genuinely loved him, however can see now that this was not a good idea.

There have been talks of him possibly having aspects of BPD from his actions of being so into someone (lavish cards, extremely loving, caring) then can easily switch at a moment in stress and run. This man was telling me up until he 'changed his mind' that he couldn't wait to have our child, couldn't wait to see the child growing inside of me bla bla, I was his soul mate etc.

Now I also know I was not blameless in this situation. He told me once before he was broken and damaged and from his previous actions towards me and his history (divorced twice and leaving relationships usually after 2 years) I should have known better.

This is just a small synopsis of a very confusing relationship.

Needless to say I have fallen into a depression where I am finding it difficult to do anything at the moment. I'm struggling with organising myself, getting to appointments, responding to messages etc. I have had morbid thoughts a lot lately and don't know how to get out of this black hole.

I do have an excellent psychologist but I just don't have any energy.

I feel like I am just starting to feel the grief now from the break-up as I was distracted with neck surgery soon after he left.

[geoff]

hello Tryingtoworkmyselfout, you have been through an awful period which seems to have gone from bad to worse and now unfortunately suffering from depression.
In regard to your partner he really should be diagnosed, maybe he was when he was in the hospital, but from what you have told us it is possible he could have BPD, although I'm not at liberty to say as I'm not qualified, however you have come off second best.
How many times have you wanted to do something in life but you've been too scared, I know I have many times, until eventually you're coaxed into doing it and then feel pleased in doing it, and wonder why on earth you hesitated, and actually have a laugh at yourself, well you're in that exact position right now.
You have a psychologist who you trust, you know they want to help you and they are allowed to care about you because they want to help you, and as heavy as it may feel for you to make an appointment, deep down that's what you know should happen, so perhaps you have someone who can make this appointment, then pick you, this is where you need to take a deep breath, realising that you're going to visit someone who will understand.
If you don't see them then they maybe concerned as to your wellbeing. Geoff.

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi, it sounds like you have a lot going on right now, from your surgery to your relationship. Break ups are really hard but if you want children and someone else doesn't want that perhaps it's for the best that you go your separate ways. I think it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed considering everything that's been happening, do you have a trusted friend or family member to support you through all of this? Is your psychologist helping you or do you need to look around for one that suits you more? I love this little app called Booster Buddy which tells you to do three little things each day and has lots of tips on how to manage depression and anxiety. It may help you. Let me know how things go this week. J.