New Dad with relationship issues...

[Guest6093]

I'm writing this as my wife is the first relationship I have been. We're coming up to 3 years together and have a 4 month old. Things are naturally stressful at home, added to which are both our financial situations. We've struggled to get on the same page and our romantic relationship seems almost non-excistent. Today I felt like cheating for the first time. Just sex and nothing else. I feel bad it has come to this and hate the idea of putting sexual desires before my family. Any suggestions?

[white knight]

Hi guest, welcome

Well good on you for posting rather than going missing and making a poor decision.

Clearly mist relationships go off track and need devitalizing. A baby makes it harder to cope.

My suggestion is to seek a marriage counsellor. Relationships Australia is a good start. This can tackle all issues you face.

In the meantime, you have to try to reconnect. Have you got relatives that can mind your child and you both can spend quality time together?

Best of luck.

Tony WK

[pipsy]

Hi Guest_6093. Sometimes when things seem overwhelming, it's hard telling our spouses how we feel. You have a 4 month old baby, who is obviously fairly demanding. Financial worries do often seem overpowering and trying to discuss these problems often means things are taken out of context and misunderstood. The physical side of your marriage is non-existent, because your wife is pretty overwhelmed with taking care of the baby. Is there a way you could perhaps get some time out to be with your wife. Do you have a support network who could take the child for o/night or a day so you and her could spend some time together. Do you help with the baby or is she slightly overprotective at this stage. When we have babies, (particularly the first) mothers are inclined to be concerned at everything thing that happens that is not 'in the books' she may have read. If the baby is restless, refusing it's feed, sleepless, there could be a dozen reasons. If she feels the father is wanting to resume the intimate side, this can be off-putting as she learns to care for her baby. Maybe by spending time with her and the baby, putting your arms around her, letting her relax against you, she will start enjoying the bond you are creating with her. She needs your support and reassurance at this time. Once she becomes used to this new little person and realizes he/she is not going to 'break' because they are left to cry for a while, she will relax and become the wife you knew. While she was pregnant, the baby wasn't quite real, now he/she is here, they are suddenly very 'real' and she is scared. Encourage her to talk about her fears, take an interest in the baby, they can be fascinating to watch.

Lynda

[Zeal]

Hi Guest,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm glad that Tony and Lynda have already given support and advice.

I'd like to direct you to some online resources that could be useful.

https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/ This site has sections for new parents like yourself, there's a Dad stress test, adjusting to parenthood section and more. Check out the links under the Seeking support section on the green menu bar. Within this site, there is a section especially for Dads: https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/pregnancy-and-new-parents/dadvice-for-new-dads

As Tony mentioned, Relationships Australia is a helpful organisation. Here is a page within the website that has many useful links: http://www.relationships.org.au/relationship-advice/usefull-links

The Relationships Australia helpline is available on 1300 364 277

http://www.mindhealthconnect.org.au/ This site has a wide range of resources and links, including to info on post-natal mental health difficulties.

I hope this forum is helpful.

Best wishes,

Zeal

[geoff]

hello Guest, by having only one real relationship, just like I did, makes it difficult to know what is there outside in the real world and what could have happened before you got married, and perhaps what you missed out on, what other females were like, how to know and understand what they like and dislike, and to experience intimacy with other ladies, so now you're at a point where there is no romance and certainly no intimacy, so all of these questions come to mind.
To have just sex would mean you going to a club which organises for paid sex, but that's not solving the problem and personally it's something I have never done nor would I ever want to do, it doesn't interest me at all, but if this is what you want to do it's not going to solve any problem, because you still have your wife plus you have a baby.
There could be every chance that your wife is suffering from PND which would mean that she is depressed, so any thought of being romantic or the thought of being intimate is way out of the question, and won't happen until she feels better, so there are a couple of things that you need to do, show her that you love her and that you want to help her out with your baby, plus book an appointment with her doctor, plus make contact with a registered nurse at the local community centre, who will organise to come and see her and for her to come to a group of new mothers suffering from PND.
Your family will need you which well and truly overcomes any desire of having sex with another women,there maybe time to catch up later on, if you want to keep this realionship to be a romantic one. Geoff.