Never alone always lonely

[So_Lonely]

I have never felt so alone and worthless in my life. Almost 40 with 4 kids 18,14 and two year old twins. I have no friends in this place I have called my home for 6 years. My parents live 45 minutes away and have watched the twins for me twice for 12 hours. My 18 year old is supportive at times but lazy. My 14 year old plugs into his game and back chats me constantly. My almost 2 year old twin boys don't sleep and when they do I am cooking, cleaning, mowing lawns or doing stuff for the teenagers. I am always going on 4 to 5 hours sleep with people wanting and needing me constantly. So why is it i cry myself to sleep every night wondering why no one is here for me?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi So Lonely,

I really felt the loneliness and sadness in your post. You sound so down, drained and exhausted...thank you for so bravely reaching out here...

I’m not a parent myself but I do understand that looking after children is no easy feat, and you have four too. Even if you love them very much, I feel it’s still not easy...

I wonder if maybe you might need company and support closer to your own age? Your 18 year old sounds very caring, even if not always as helpful as s/he could be. But at the end of the day, s/he is still your child and may not be able to give you the type of support you need...

I understand that sleep deprivation can be very rough. In particular, I feel insufficient sleep combined with the pressures of raising 4 kids is its own kind of draining...

Sorry, I realise this might be a silly question. I hope it’s okay for me to ask. I’m thinking, aside from you parents, is there anyone else you can call on (e.g. friends) to visit you at home, etc?

I don’t know if that’s what you need, but perhaps having a compassionate person to listen to your struggles/ more “adult” company might help...of course, I know this won’t help with the sleep troubles or make your fatigue go away. But maybe it might help a little with the feelings of isolation at least...

I don’t know if I have been very helpful. But I realise you’re hurting and struggling and if nothing else, I’m listening and I do care...

It would be lovely to hear from you again when and if you feel up to it. Of course there’s no rush or pressure to reply, but just know that if you want to vent or chat, there are many very compassionate people here 🙂

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[So_Lonely]

Thank you for your reply Pepper. I really have no one and most days I struggle to leave the house. The only thing that keeps me going every day is the fact my kids need and love me. I use to be such a happy fun person now i am just a machine. My husband found some side action and left which is probably for the best he wasn't a very nice man, I left my job of 11 years and moved 3 hours away for a fresh start. Now I have nothing but 4 boys and a broken heart. I am sure others have it worse so i feel so stupid for even typing this.

[geoff]

Hello So Lonely, and can I welcome you to the forums and we can't judge one person to another one, because each one of us needs the help in our own particular situation and these are on different and separate occasions.

I'm truly sorry you are in this position because from what you have told us, you have little support, and it seems to be an enormous amount of responsibility.
I empathise so much for you and feel the pain you are going through.

Can I suggest you contact your local council and/or your local community centre for people who provide services which will help you around the house.

Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 are available to talk with kids between the age of 5 up to 25 years old.

Please keep us in touch.

Geoff.

[Birdy77]

Dear So Lonely,

Along with lovely Pepper and Geoff I am really glad you've come here. Although in your day-to-day life it feels like there is nobody there for you, to listen to your struggles or to be a supportive presence, now you have us here - we are here for each other and you will always be welcome to talk and get some support here.

You are Superwoman: two teenagers and two toddlers at the same time. Two of the most challenging stages of childhood all at once and double whammies with both! I feel tired just thinking about it.

On top of that, feeling isolated - that makes everything harder because you don't have that fallback position of someone to help when you need it. I am very sorry to hear your parents aren't more supportive.

My neighbour has 4 kids and has recently moved here from interstate, knowing nobody, and I know she feels isolated and like a machine as well. She connects with others through her kids' activities mostly I think - nippers, kindergym, stuff like that.

However, she doesn't have twins like you have - and I was talking to a friend of mine last week who has twin boys who are almost 4, and she has only just started being able to manage them by herself outside the house. Because they are such a handful. Well, two handfuls. So I can understand your struggle to get out of the house with double trouble on your hands by yourself.

I think I might be rambling, but I guess I'm letting you know that your story is not a weird one, and it's not silly of you to talk about this stuff because it's really, really hard work and you're doing it tough dealing with it on your own.

14 years old is a difficult age to deal with, but I reckon he's old enough to start stepping up with some chores. Maybe he and your 18 year old can take turns mowing the lawn? They should both definitely be helping with things like doing the dishes, hanging out the washing, folding the laundry. You shouldn't have to do all these things without some help from the older ones. What do you think?

🌻birdy

[Only_the_lonely]

Hello So Lonely.

I am sorry to hear you are so down and feel drained and isolated, but amidst all this, there is still hope. You are definitely a tough woman raising 4 kids. I do have two kids, a 19 year old and a 14 year old and its about time they assisted you in home chores. My 19 year old makes dinner once a weeknight and helps with chores around the house. With kids, you need to delegate work then it gets done, but you have to monitor them. This action will improve your self esteem as well as teach the kids some responsibility. Its time you also have a meeting with them to discuss current work trends at home so they can nominate to do some chores without you allocating it to them. That way, both parties are happy and work gets done, so its a win-win situation. Involve your kids in making dinner and cleaning up as well. If you don't, you will grind yourself to a burn-out. Let your kids know its a challenging time for you all so best to stick together and get jobs done. Once there is peace and uniform at home, there will be good vibes at home and that will eventuate to positive vibes outside the home. I hope this helps you out, so lonely! Also get to know your neighbours, its a good way of starting a relationship with people around you. Its like the old neighbourhood watch program as well. I do hope you feel better and get encouraged by reading responses to your post here.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi So Lonely (and a wave to all)

You do indeed sound very isolated and unsupported. Thanks for explaining a little more of what you’re going through. I feel sad that you’re feeling so alone, but you do have us here even though I know it’s not the same as offline support...

I’m glad some of the other lovely people here like Geoff, birdy and Onlythelonely have joined in with their compassion, gentle suggestions and understanding. I feel that I don’t really have much to add to their beautiful words as they have covered it all very nicely.

So I’ll simply say that I’m thinking of you and if you feel like writing in again (no pressure though), we will be listening and caring.

Warmth and kindness,

Pepper